We have been married almost 6 years and have no children. 3 Months ago my wife demanded we get separated. She made it clear that it was not a "trial" separation nor was it necessarily a divorce. She just "does not know".

My part in bringing our marriage to this point was that I have not had a well paying steady job since 2004 and my wife took on most of the financial responsibility and burden while I refused to do jobs that I felt would make me miserable but would have paid a bit better and given us the security we need to raise a family.

Now and probably way too late, but because of this situation, I don't care what kind of work I do as long as I have my family together.

I am living 3 hours away from her and our phone conversations have to stay small talk or else she cries and still answers nothing.

I want to be with her so badly and I have tried to give her space geo and emotional space but sometimes I break down and feel the need to ask her if we can work on things.

We had a date about 3 weeks ago and we held hands and laughed together and 2 days later we talked and she said she had a great time and was so happy and wanted to grab me and just hold on but she has since refused to see me again.

I know that she has had an affair, It may be still happening, it started after our separation and I don't think either one of us consider it any more than a symptom of other things. I did it too but I did it so that I could never look down on her.
I can't figure out why she has been holding on to our marriage ever so slightly like this while having an affair.

She says she is working some things out on her own. I have asked her about reconciliation but she just says she isn't sure she wants to. I told her I want to be here for her if she wants me but I am okay with divorce too if it is what she needs but she does not want to divorce either.

This limbo hurts me and I am sad and angry I want to be pro-active in rebuilding our marriage but she is allowing me nothing more than a few bits to hold on too.

She does let me know that she loves me and misses me and "sees me everywhere she goes" but she says it through sadness or tears.

I spoke with her today because she knows I am going hiking for thanksgiving and she wanted to know where, when I was coming back and where I was staying. She wanted trip itinerary and everything. Says she wanted to know where to "look for me" if something happened. Wow that is weird.

What the heck do I do with this situation? It is maddening. I told her today that I love her madly but I am sick and tired of her feeling sorry for herself like this but at the same and wanting me there to soothe her anxiety but never being there for me. I told her I to stop calling me for those fixes and only to call me if she wants to get something serious from me.

I do want to be back with her but we have a lot of stuff to work on.

Any ideas folks?

What do you know about the affair?

I suggest you get a job right away. You haven't worked for 4 years?

I have had a job, just not paying as well as my last job. Looking for better pay all this time. I went back to school in that time too and that was even less money but I was trying to set something up for the future but she got so depressed that I quit school and tried to get back in to the work force but where we lived together is a tough market for me with no college degree.

I don't know much about the affair at all and I don't really think I need to yet. We can talk about it later because I don't think that it is what is keeping us apart.

In fact when I told her that I am not going to keep myself from seeing other people anymore and that I will take good work anywhere I can find it. She would have to come to me if she wanted to salvage anything, she seemed a little more motivated to stop wallowing in self pity and guilt.

The affair IS the main problem. Yes, you need to get a better paying job - can you finish school at night?

But don't doubt that the affair is now the number 1 danger to your marriage. And they most likely met BEFORE you and your wife seperated - that is usually the case.

Wrongo!!!

Okay, What am seeing here is that you 2 are telling me that it is a really important concern.

I'll assume it is for now and then counter with.

If it is then where is the solution????


That is all I really want to address.
I'm am not going to spy on her and I am not going to ask her
for details that will only serve to reinforce my anger and sadness.
Sure it is a big deal but It is not making her happy. She seems so miserable and sad right now, even more than before. I think I know who it is and you are correct about them meeting before we separated. So what? We got separated for other reasons, not because of an affair.

Solutions are all I am concerned with at this time.
What can I do about it?

The solution is to go into Plan A, showing her what a great husband you could be.

Also find out more about the affair and EXPOSE it. Tell anyone who could help the marriage. Ask for their support. Ask her family, the job, if they work together, his family, and your friends.

She has given you a clue about what to do, and that is getting a better job. Get busy on that.

WW is a fence sitter.

She got you out of the way an is having an affair. Probably has exposed your kids to the OM.

With the OM doing her she doesn't want you close. Just string you along for when the OM splits on her. This indicates that the OM is most likely married.

You want your WW, move back home, your not separated. Expose her affair. Do a plan A.

Or do a plan B if you are not ready to divorce.

Or divorce.

You are doing nothing now.

No Kids

I drove six hours home and I do not know how to confront her.
You are right this affair is a threat. Ultimatums will lead to a quick divorce. The OM is her ex boyfriend from before we got married. She is away from the house for the holiday weekend.
I know she is really on the fence and I am afraid if I push she will fall to the other side from me.

Add:

YOU NEED TO KNOW. An ongoing A will kill your M a lot more surely than her being upset about you finding out.

Just BTW - she was having this affair already when she kicked you to the kerb.

I'm not sure about that. She had other reasons to do so.

Also, of note, this poster has had his own affair as well.

So, Addidaz, do you still have ANY contact with your affair partner???

How altruistic of you. :RollieEyes:

This poster needs his own actions addressed...the focus shouldn't be on whether or not he is a BS...to do that is not helpful to his situation.

Though, this is only just MY humble opinion.


committed