I am in Plan A. I guess you could call it that. I am failing miserably, and I am just not sure how to deal.

D day was Halloween, well that is when i confirmed. The next day was when i confronted.

Here is the bottom line, i have not brought it into the open. I do not want this thread to just be a bunch of people telling me to expose. I know that just about everyone on this boards say to do that. I know, so don't bother to tell me that.

I have access to text messages. If anyone wants to know how to get access to text messages from an iphone, send me a PM or start a new thread and let me know i will reply.

This is how i confirmed. I confronted, she admitted after i would not give up. I did not tell her how i knew so I could continue.

It was the typical fog. It was only one time, he is just a friend, if i cant see him i cant see any of my new friends and you are taking away my life, blah blah blah. she continues the lies (no a shocker). She is seeing him almost every day. sometimes she tells me she saw him at the bar. some times she lies. she was not staying at home much.

text messages i got today confirmed that they are still close. texting daily and talking on phone daily. seeing each other maybe 5-6 out of 7 days.

So here is the deal.

Last week she did what she considers a step. she slept here for 3 nights. by sleeping here i mean 1 day staying here in the evening and then sleeping here. the other 2 it was the show up at 2am, sleep and get up for work. In both those cases i slept in our 2nd bedroom. i did not want be in a bed with someone who gave a goodnight kiss to their honey 20 minutes ago.

she talks about how this is a step and i basically disagreed. i really pound her (words) when she is here. that is what she says. and she is probably right. i have so many questions. i want something to change. i cant help myself.

i think from her side. she is staying with this guy almost every night. then 3 nights she comes home and does not sleep at his place. well, yeah i can see that is a big step. but she tries to lie to me and tell me she is not with him. i wrote her a letter last night when she was driving around after she left in tears. in that letter i pointed that out - that if i dont have the complete picture then i dont see that as a big step. but if she were sleeping in his arms every night - heck yea that is a big step. basically said stop lying to me if you want me to understand what you are doing and what steps you are really taking.

anyways, i am rambling the bottom line is - i see her text messages. i know she is lying. i know that when she is not here - which even after this new change still is 95% of the time. of that 95% maybe 60% with him that is my guess.

i know that i am driving her away. i know that we are at the wits end.

how do i make this a good home for her? How do i make her happy that she is here when she does come? i believe that if i do it has a decent chance at working, but it is so hard. i am so hurt.

from what i know things with him are not perfect, but i do know that she is closer to the madly in love then the one night stand from the book.

how do i stop being a jerk when she finally comes home? does anyone have any tactics that have worked for them?

PS - i am supposed to go to her family thanksgiving. she wants me to go. i wanted to say no because i dont think she deserves that from me. but i decided that i want to go. i want to be the perfect husband and show that i get along with her family - which i do but am typically reserved. i know she has been shunning her family but i know she is big on her family and i hope that is a positive thing if i go and make good. plus i get to see her grandma who i love and wonder if i will ever see again (due to us potentially splitting)

hope i can get some replies tonight but worried it is too late on the east coast with a big holiday.

Hey 88life,

to put it simply, meet her EN's, stop all LBing, expect nothing.

i know. it is hard. i am so hurt.

You want to stop your WW from banging the OM?

Expose. Her parents, siblings, OMW, if they met at work, then there too.

Expose WW's family today. You get them all at once. Print out your evidence to show them. Tell them how she is out spending all those nights in the OM's bed instead of coming home.

Why will you not expose?

Will your WW get mad?

Mad enough to not come home nights so she can bang the OM?

I'm sorry, I forgot, she's already doing that.

So what more can she do?

Cut you off from sloppy seconds?

You can plan A for years but being WW has bonded/boned the OM she will most likely be a fence sitter for years. She will not give up great sex with the OM because you are being a doormat.

What will most likely happen is that you refusing to man up your WW will lose any respect for her. Weak men turn women off. So when the OM get's tired and dumps her. She will look for a new OM then most likely dump you for OM2.

I know you specifically asked not to be advised to expose, but if you are really opposed to it, then why even bother? You might as well go out, rent them the best room in the best hotel and hand them the keys. Better yet, send them straight to Vegas, pay for their shows and their limo. It will be cheaper than the divorce, which is imminent as long as you continue to enable it.

Basically, if you aren't going to expose, why torture yourself with Plan A? Even if she comes back to you when the A ends on its own (which could be years from now), she will know that you fully support her infidelity and just find someone else.

never mind

My post and question I am asking is around mentally dealing with the pain while at the same time presenting myself in a manner that stops LBs and meets ENs. Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with it mentally without breaking down, constantly confronting,etc?

I know about exposure, i know what needs to be done, i know the pluses of exposure, i know the need for it, etc. That is why i tried to specify up front what i am looking for advice on. in this post at least, the question is about dealing with all of this mentally while presenting myself in an attractive way in terms of when we physically see each other.

would you like me to remove my post? There is not much anyone can help you with if you won't even do the most basic, fundamental things to help yourself.

deleted

How do you deal with the mental aspect?

The very first thing you do is realize that this is not your fault. It is not your character that is flawed, but your wife's. If your wife is a trollop it is because of HER lack of morals, not yours.

I'm not a Plan A kinda guy. Nuclear exposure and kick her a$$ to the curb. If she comes to you on her knees begging forgiveness then you have a shot at recovery.

So sorry, I will remove my posts.

MelodyLane, if you get a chance can you please delete the post above this one as well?

I would still like to keep this topic open if anyone out there has advice on dealing with the mental stress while trying to make it through Plan A?

I was reading Musings from Mark which is a phenomenal thread, and there were a few things jumping out there that I see myself struggling with on a mental level.

From Marks list:

Not Supposed to:
1a) Discuss the state of the relationship and expect a commitment from the WS.
2a) Not Simply sit around, worry about the A and wallow in pity for yourself

I am definitely 100% doing #2a. I basically am trying to pass time as quickly as possible just to get to the other side of her decision. I find myself trying to sleep as long as possible on the weekends and just get it over with asap so i can get back to work monday/forced to stay busy.

I am also doing #1a. I am so distraught in the head, that whenever she comes around, which is maybe every few days...i try to not discuss the state of the relationship/A but i dont last very long before I blow up with questions about where she has been, why she is still lying to me, etc.

Supposed to:
1b) Exhibit care, compassion and concern for WS’s well being
2b) Make changes to yourself that show the WS what you can be and what is possible.
3b) Make the home, with the BS, a safe place for the WS to be and a better place than the A.

I think pretty much #1a is stopping me from doing 1b,2b or 3b.

I see the advice coming about getting off my butt and doing things, go have fun, be with friends, etc. ok, i buy that i just need to do it.

but #1b....where do you take your mind when the WS is gone away with OM and you know from snooping that they are together. how do you deal with that and then give 1b,2b&3b. I think it may be the hardest thing for me to ever deal with in my life.

MelodyLane, its ok if you want to jump in and tell me how exposure will ease my mind or produce other positives. I am not sure that is the case, but i am open to any ideas to help me around my mental state when she finally does come around - i want to do all those things but the vision of the OM kills me.

Later in that same thread it is said:


This is exactly what i am doing and i believe it is driving WW further away. I know I need to change it, but how? seeing a counselor? anti-depressants? I know what to do, but my crazy mind is in the way.

Also said


I am not sure when i said this timing or circumstance wise but i know that it was before D day, maybe months before. I literally told WW the exact opposite.

I told her that if we are going to work on things (we knew there was issues) i needed to be able to focus on that and not worry about there being an OM for me to compete with. I would lose in that case because i would not be able to overcome the feelings and actually focus on the task at hand.