failing at plan A in all aspects. in stable. thinking about kicking her out and going straight to plan B with a short jump to play D.

From this boards i feel like D is the least pain and most likely anyways because
1) it is a WW not a WH, apparently those are more likely to go D
2) no kids as a lure to bring WW back
3) i am too much of a wuss to expose
4) the A is in full swing and she is lying about it still (i guess that is completely normal in fog)
5) Church, faith, god is not in our lives

i am really depressed. should i just tell her to get the f out next time i see her?

What do you want to do?

Do you really want to go to D or do you want to try and save your M?

Charlotte

I'd expose.What have you got to lose? She'll be pissed as hell, but that is normal.
Then, start doing that 180 thing described on www.survivinginfidelity. Start living as if you will be alright without her.(You will. Divorce for me has been good. Kids are fine and love me.Her affair went south after 18 months.) It is tremendously freeing to be away from a cheater, if it comes to that.
No kids will make this so much easier if you have to divorce. Yes, there will be pain, but not continued contact and you'll heal faster that way.
You need to know that there is really no way to control her. Do things like expose because it is the right thing to do. People need consequences for their bad behavior. But, don't expect it will necessarily work. It may and it does give you a better shot. Laying down and letting her walk all over you is the worst thing you can do.
Sorry for all the pain this crap brings.

88life, miracles happen on MB.

What does your Plan A look like?

Nobody is too much of a wuss to expose. What have you got to lose? You have everything to gain.

How old are you? How long married? I don't believe that having no children is any barrier to recovering your marriage.

Well, don't let her lie. Ask her (gently) to tell you the full story. It is the way you ask that will get results.

Is she living away from home? No, don't tell her to get the f out. Plan A does not include telling her to get the f out.

I'm sorry you're depressed. You have every right to be.

Think about this, 88...you may have heard this already and if you have I apologize...I haven't read all the way through your posts, just excerpts. It won't hurt to hear it again, though:

You have nothing to lose because you have already lost her.

Go ahead and expose. Do Plan A the right way. Yes, it is VERY hard. You have to put on your best false face and wear it until it really fits. Do it 'til you feel it. Don't constantly harass her about the A, won't do a bit of good.

Don't ask any questions...just follow the plan. Do a 180.

I think you need to read up on a good thread here by a poster called: "toomuchtoosoon." He did a stellar Plan A and he and his wife are in recovery mode now.

You said you wanted an exposure letter for family?

Just say:

Dear Family,

I need to let you know that wife is having an affair. I am going to fight for our marriage and I am asking for your support.

88

Just state the truth. You don't need anything more than the truth. It doesn't need to be long. Just keep it short and simple.

Charlotte

thanks for all the replies. i feel like i should expose. i just truthfully told a friend - basically the first one. that one is for me, not the marriage cause i am going insane. i also texted a friend of hers that i a semi friends with that i know was alrady in the know. sorta a test exposure i guess. i dont think it was not a mistake but maybe it was. i am thinking about going to her parents house tomorrow.

i feel like exposing and going into plan B right away. it is too painful.

f her, i gave her a month after D day. she is in love. i have email correspondence between her and that friend confirming that they are at the point of making out in public in front of that friend - and she feels awkward about it.

she needs to crap or get off the pot

Charlotte,

I want to save it but i can only control my part. and i am being destructive by drinking, etc cause i cant handle it.

Jen, my plan A sucks [censored]! i did not expose when i should. i try to do the carrot but i only last 2 days before i just go crazy and then when she finally shows i do basically nothing to carrot her to want to stay - i just push her away. i made another post earlier trying to get support on how to mentally deal with the fact that every time i see her i know she either just had sex with him, kissed him goodbye or texted him i love you. i cant figure out how to execute the carrot when my mind is melted.

If anyone sees this post and is in the same boat, i found the 180 stuff Zelmo mentioned at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

going to read it now

#6 on that list in my post above is:
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

this is different then what ppl on these boards say for exposure. quick thoughts? i need to do this tomorrow or at least this weekend if i am going to expose. hell i want to both expose and execute plan B tomorrow.

That's understandable, 88. I hit the vodka pretty hard because my nerves just couldn't take it.

I did Plan A, carrot for about 4 months or so after d-day. Did a lot of research on affairs. Found MB.

I had a keylogger on WH's pc and monitored for a while, then quit on the advice of a friend. That was fine by me, they hadn't had sex yet and I didn't want to know when it happened.

Same stuff he told me when we got together, he told her..."Oh, I may have problems at first but once we do it, it will be okay." Crap like that.

And WH KNEW I knew about the A, but would NEVER admit it. Instead, the two of them demonized me behind my back when talking in IM.

In October something new was in the wind. I had been to MB a few times before but finally posted. I had found out that the two of them had been planning a "trip." They falsified papers to give to OW's H.

I had tried to tell him when I first found out but my emails, were intercepted and they had him convinced I was mentally ill.

So I started monitoring again and printed the evidence out for OWH and met him to give it to him to expose. I exposed to family and friends and workplace at the same time.

It was a great weight to get that off of my shoulders because I had been carrying THEIR nasty secret around for so long.

Things got better after that. I filed for D two days after giving OWH the evidence, November 1st. Went to Plan B on December 15th which is good since the two adulterers had moved in together. They even showed up at the temp hearing together in November. How's that for stupid?!

OWH hired my attorney in May of this year and right now I am still married but set for mediation on December 11th.

OWH is in negotiations but will probably go to trial since he doesn't think that OW will bend in their mediation at all.

The adulterers are still cohabitating. WH has health problems and low testosterone so I imagine it must be really fun over there now. :RollieEyes:

His son told his first XW that his dad has been in and out of the hospital all year. I just got that news a couple of days ago.

I apologize for rambling on--I was trying to relay how it was at the beginning for me.

Well, we'll see what happens now. I'm hoping for a resolution on the 11th.

Take care,

Charlotte

Thanks for the post Charolette. I love everyone on these boards despite getting annoyed my the responses to my post earlier today.

funny thing is WW does not care about the $, in fact one of our issues is that i had paid for most everything for the last couple of years and helped put her through school. We never combined all our $. OM has no $. she has very little. i dont think if we get a D she will not even try to take $$$$. for some reason she has an issue with us sharing our money. i guess that should have been a sign that we werent one to begin with.

i guess i am going to owe it to the forum later when life is good to monitor these forums and help people out in the middle of the night.

You're welcome, 88.

Yeah, OWH has shared something similar because he & OW had separate bank accounts as well. That helped out in the A--she would, (and still does), buy things for WH. Now she is giving OWH the business about "her" money, though. Even though he is the one that helped her invest her retirement money and get out of bad deals so she didn't lose any.

As for WH, well...he was always loose with money, I never really saw it until we split. I'm convinced he has OCD in some form, he always has to buy "things." On eBay, online elsewhere, everywhere he goes, etc.

When it comes down to the money, most of the WS's freak out. I hope it's different for you and you don't have to deal with that crap.

I think I'll hit the hay, now. Keep us posted. It really does help to come here and get things off your chest, but I'm sure you know that already!

Charlotte

thx and happy thanksgiving. i think i will pass out soon myself

zelmo, i thin that is a great list on that other site. 1 question with #11

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

i know what i want in life. i want to be happily married with a life partner and i want to have kids. i wanted to have kids already a few years ago.

so what kind of "getting on are we talking about"?

i am doing it. whenever i wake up from this hangover i will have i am going straight to her dads house and then one of her good friends house tomorrow who lives down the way from her dad. i hope they are home. s**t is going to hit the fan. owell. i just hung up on her. shocker that she made an excuse to not come home.

88life - WHY do you intend on taking this action?

Revenge?

Punish her?

Save your marriage?

WHY?


I hear a lot of anger (understandable) in your posts, but very little of the "for better or for worse" backbone.

Why did your wife think that she needed to "get some of her EN's met" outside of the marriage?

I also take it that God plays no role in either of your lives, so it would appear that you both view things from a "what's in it for ME" viewpoint. If that is true, "what's in it" for her to "give up her plaything" and return to you, KNOWING that she IS an adulteress? And given that, WHY would you want her back and do you intend to keep her affair as a weapon to use against her in the future IF she chose to return to you and end the affair?

I'll repeat what I said on your other thread. I'll also say that if you can not handle doing a plan A because of the pain then you need to still expose then do a plan B.

You will have to man up and expose, then decide plan A, plan B, plan D.

"You want to stop your WW from banging the OM?

Expose. Her parents, siblings, OMW, if they met at work, then there too.

Expose WW's family today. You get them all at once. Print out your evidence to show them. Tell them how she is out spending all those nights in the OM's bed instead of coming home.

Why will you not expose?

Will your WW get mad?

Mad enough to not come home nights so she can bang the OM?

I'm sorry, I forgot, she's already doing that.

So what more can she do?

Cut you off from sloppy seconds?

You can plan A for years but being WW has bonded/boned the OM she will most likely be a fence sitter for years. She will not give up great sex with the OM because you are being a doormat.

What will most likely happen is that you refusing to man up your WW will lose any respect for her. Weak men turn women off. So when the OM get's tired and dumps her. She will look for a new OM then most likely dump you for OM2."

As far as asking the family for help, I think just exposing is enough. You do not have to enlist them. But, they may take that upon themselves.
I really think that "moving on" means taking care of yourself without worrying about her. Does not mean you can not leave the door open for her if she wants to work on this. But, you cannot cajole her. She needs to take the inititiative in this.
I also think it is good to realize that the majority of marriages do not survive this. Even Dr Hartley says this.You increase your odds with his plans, but they are still stacked against you.
So,if it doe not work, do not feel you did anything wrong. Most of the time, infidelity is a fatal blow to a marriage.