Allow me to correct one BIG huge error here - she is NOT a great mom. Great moms don't cheat on their children's dad!

Please be careful about how you color your own reality right now.

You cannot see things as they really are when you try to put any "but" on a description of her.

No, she's probably not ALL bad. But until she gets help for her problems, her adultery and need to cheat ranks way higher on her priority list than the need to be a good mother.

My mother cheated - with me - the baby, in the back seat - and even now is totally blown away that I really remembered what she'd done - I was supposed to be a baby - not aware!

Good moms don't cheat. Remove the illusion.

She can redeem herself, but my mother spent my entire childhood trying to convince me my memories were just dreams... That is NOT the mark of a good mother! Forcing me to question myself, my feelings, thoughts, memories about the things I dared describe, let alone the secret that I couldn't dare describe because even my child's innocence knew was wrong - therefore, thought I was bad for remembering those things...

you haven't caused this.

Let me know if I can be of any help to you as it pertains to custody issues.

Fight for your kids...you will NEVER regret it.

I am sorry for what you are going through. You don't deserve it.

Great post.

i just want to agree with medc and the others.

1 NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT

2 YOUR KIDS NEED YOU TO BE THE STABILITY AND THE BEST FATHER YOU CAN BE. THAT WON"T HAPPEN BY LAYING DOWN AND TAKING THIS GARBAGE FROM YOUR W. YOU NEED TO SHOW THEM THAT THERE ARE RIGHT AND WRONG WAYS TO LIVE THEIR LIVES

3 YOUR W IS NOT A GOOD MOTHER. A GOOD MOTHER WOULD NEVER TREAT THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN WITH SUCH DISRESPECT

and stop with the "there's plenty of money to go aroud" stuff. geez paul mccartney and donald trump have "plenty to go around" but still faught in court. let me tell you your business may be doing great right now but there are no garuntees (sp?, sorry it's late or early or soemthing) about tomorrow. someone else will steal your idea and cut your prices. things could be tight before you can blink. by the way constuction is kinds slow right now. what was this business anyway? just kidding.

and trust me when your kids get older money will flow thru your fingers like water. they definately don't get cheaper.

you are hurt and distraught right now and understandably so. but pick your head up and and face this head on. quit with the "oh i'm not good enough crap". either that or start wearing pumps and a mni skirt. uhhh, sorry, the visuals i just had of that were scary.

you are good enough dude. i have several friends who have dealt with this exact issue. long time repetitive cheating spouse, they loved them and knew they would change back, couldn't imagune life without their h/w, blah, blah, blah. they all said the same things you are saying.

fact is once they had finally had their fill and made the break, everyone of them felt an enormous calm come into their lives. they are all happier now and have started living full lives again. they have seen that life can be good and they don't need to have this misery around them. many have met nice partners who respect them and support them.

hadbetterdays you better give this some thought also. what will you do if, God forbid, your w comes home pg from one of these backseat love fests? it's quite possible.

your w has a serious problem that will take years of couseling to cure. are you willing to wait on that?

she is telling you everything you want to hear right now about loving you, truly committed, will do anybody, oopps sory i meant anything. it's all bunk because she wants her cake and to eat it too. she also knows that you are a mush bucket and will accept her lies.

buddy you had better set some heavy boundaries or you will end living this nightmare for a long, long time.

You, sir- IMHO need PC right away.

If you have no insurance, look at the local church or hospitals or places who might offer this.

Why do you feel this is a reflection of YOU?

I believe your wife is a sex addict- and, just like bieng married to an alcoholic- the cause is not from a spouse or a child- or a freind or a situation. The cause IS the disease itself. That means she is ill, HAS AN ILLNESS...and she did not catch it from you.

Does not mean she is healthy for you or your kids to be around.

She would have sex with many men NO MATTER WHO she was married to.

BUT the spouse/family can be enable an addict to continue behavior. In fact, most addicts can't survive without them.

Think through your past with her, do things fall into place now?

DON'T continue to be part of the problem. A GOOD PC will show you how to save yourself...save your kids...give her the best shot at saving herself.

I understand you don't hate her. That does not make you weak or stupid or "not a man" or anything else. It just means that for NOW--you don't hate her. BIG DEAL-- that rollercoaster ride is going to change daily.

MB is not really set up for abuse or addiction relationships-- but YOU, Sir can and will find support here.

Please look into Sexual addiction; the causes, and how family members can react.

I am guessing there is a check sheet questionere that you will find on many SA sites that will either confirm or deny this addiction in your wife.

Is there an ALANON program for SA?

IMHO, you should proceed as though this is strictly an affair and NOT a SEX addiction. Too many cheaters lean on this crutch. Unless there is conclusive evidence and a diagnosis by a reputable doctor, continuing dealing with just the affair.

If money is not object then do EVERYTHING you can to fight for full custody of your children.

You are devastated right now, understandably so, and I do not think you are thinking very clearly.

You need to take every step possible to protect your future with your children. Your family assets, fight for them, if not for yourself then for your children.

Take a look at Jamesus' thread to see the missteps he took early in the process. There are many things that medc and others told him to do that he would not do. Many of the same things they are telling you to do now. He recognizes those mistakes now and his situation would be much improved had he followed thier advice.

You are in a battle now, one that you did not want and were not ready for. You are at a disadvantage because you are still trying to pick up the pieces of your life. WE GET IT! But you have to do some hard things now and do them right. If you don't the consequences will be felt by you and your kids for a LONG time.

Get over this "she's a good mom" stuff. She's not. She's had 3 affairs, two of them in recently. She's a liar, and she is not a fit parent.

Do not freely give her ANYTHING you are not legally required to give her without a very good reason on the advice of your attorney. Be agressive in protecting your rights. You can always back off later, but ground given is much harder to reclaim later.

Recognize that the people here have lived this, they have seen it all. Your situation, it is NOT unique, it is saddly all too mundane. You see it from your narrow perspective and it seems it must be so much different and so unique to only yourself. This is NOT the case. So from within your hurt, you have to be able to step outside of it and do what needs to be done.

I'm sorry you are here, but make the most of the good advice you have been recieving. You are embarking on a long hard road right now and these early steps are crucial.

Did you know that in my state the recording I got out of MY car with MY wife having sex with someone else is illegal and cannot be used to prove adultry?

I used to live in a state that has similar laws. Recordings are only admissible evidence if the parties consent to the recording.

How about a lie detector test? In many places they aren't admissible because they're not 100% certain but I think in some places they are. You should at least look into it.

What about one of those sperm test kits where you get her panties tested for semen? I don't know if they can tell that it is/isn't yours or not, but I'd look into that as well.

It is illegal in EVERY state in the country. Some states allow one person consent...others require two. NO states allow both parties to a conversation to be recorded without their consent.

dude your not listening. and who cares if the recording is inadmisable or not.

YOU know the truth.

FACT - your w is a multiple cheater and a liar. (whether she is an addict or not)

now what are YOU willing to live with and/or do about it?

if you are willing to live with these truths then have a great day if possible. but your being here says it bugs the crap out of you.

so what are you going to do aboout it?

i am no attorney and far from an expert on family law. but it would seem to me that if.......

in this day and age

in this country (USA)

should you be of a mind to D your w you should be able to do so

and ok so you can;t use the tape as evidence against your w

you still may be able to have the judge listen to it alone in his chambers so he will get an understanding of WHY YOU are seeking the D

not trying to tell you what to do BUT listen to this and listen good.....

your kids NEED YOU

your w is NOT a good mother. the morals she would/is teaching YOUR kids are plain WRONG. protect those kids

for their sake you need to work thru the nightmare and protect YOUR finances and THEIR future legally

the attitude that there is enough to go around will only get you someone else squandering YOUR hard earned cash with your ex

better days we are all on your side. quite frankly you need to get a little (actually a whole lot) ticked off and and put your foot down. if it's in her backside so be it

Being dark is so hard.

Don't know what to say, but I didn't want your cry of pain to go unacknowledged.

Your children are pretty big... can you get out and do something with them? Put up holiday decorations, or go hear a concert or chorale or something? It's a little early for some of that, maybe, but you could still pore over the announcements in the paper and start filling up your calendar.

I am out of town for the next few days. I just went dark this morning. The LSA is all done and signed, and when I left this morning, I told her good bye and that we only needed to talk with our counselor or the attorneys going forward unless it is an emergency.

She has called, texted, is going crazy. Switches from crying to yelling to threatning, to begging.

It's so hard not to respond.

Not sure what I am worried about her doing. We are no longer living as a married couple, so what do I care if she takes revenge on my and sleeps with someone again. I guess this period without talking to her is for me to remove myself from that and realize what she does now is her business, not mine.

My house won't be ready until the 15th. I am going home Friday morning, and she is leaving for the weekend for "work". When she gets home Sunday, I will be in the driveway and leave to be out of town until the following weekend when my house is ready.

It's hard to not respond.

It will get easier as time passes .... best of luck

I want to call her and tell her I will be home Thursday and forget the whole thing happened.

HBD, i understand how hard it is to be "dark" as you say.

stand by your boundaries.

your w has already started feeling the lose of "you" thus her irrational behavior.

things will get better soon. trust me.

I quit. Done.

What happened?