I just looked back to see how long it had been since I was here. It was in March! I thought everything might be going ok.

Well, obviously I was wrong. I haven't really trusted my husband since his affair almost 3 years ago. He made contact with the OW a year after the affair and attempted to set up a secret meeting. I caught him and he didn't go through with it.

Anyway, he tried to be open and honest for a while after that---telling me if he saw her,etc. Eventually, he stopped telling me anything and when I asked he would say that he hadn't talked with her in a very long time.

He tried to convince me that it was over. I kind of believed him because of the way he has been acting with me. But.... I have never really trusted him so I have snooped off and on just to check up on him.

I really didn't think he would be dumb enough to use his cell phone to talk with another woman because he has been sitting with me when I have checked the records for our daughters' cell phone communications.

Well---just last week I began looking at his cell phone records---I don't really know what possessed me to do it--I guess just a hunch. Well it just so happens that it shows him texting a number that never appears on the call records. I guess he thought that I couldn't check on the texting or something. There is a 9999999999 number that shows up, so I think it may be her blocking her number when she calls. This all started 2 weeks ago.

It was eating me up to find out who the number belonged to, so I blocked my number and called it. Luckily, I got a voicemail and low and behold the person said this is******** It was my husband's ex-wife! They have been divorced for over 20 years! We have been married for 16.

I was needless to say in total shock! I checked the records again and saw that they had texted over several hours 3 days out of the 2 weeks. Now, I just am not sure what to make of it. In a way I feel like he is just talking to her because there is an unresolved past between them--she left him and remarried soon after but never really gave him a reason other that she didn't want to be married anymore.

The divorce had a terrible effect on him. He waited 5 years to remarry(me). So, I feel like he may be using this opportunity to get the answers he has wanted all these years. The problem is--he hasn't said one word to me about it. I feel so betrayed and I wander what else he is hiding. He may end up having an affair with her!

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't confronted him because I am trying to figure out how to explain how I know. I don't want to reveal my sources so that I can use it in the future---if I have a future with him.

I usually look at a person's history when I read stories like yours ....

here is your tag line history

BS(me) 40 FWH 45 M 15 years EA ( around July '05) PA (around Feb until Mar '06) D-Day Mar '06 continued contact til May '07 Discovered plans for secret meeting May '07 May '07- present recovery( I think) D 13 & 14

married 15 years with 2 kids

problems with infidelity 2005, 2006, 2007, and now 2008

Is this information correct and complete?

Insecure:

I'm not caught up on your story, but your wrote: "FWH now texting ex-wife after 20 years".

Did you and/or your husband start dating while still married to your previous spouses?

Jo

My tag line history is pretty much correct other than there needs to be a year added to all the numbers.

And---No my husband was not married to his ex when we began dating. They had been divorced for several years before we met. Actually I said that he waited 5 years to remarry, but we dated for 5 before marrying and he had been divorced almost 3 so he really waited about 8 years to remarry.

Do you think your husband would go for counseling with Harleys?

He's love-busting his way out of your heart!

Did you ever ask his X wife if he cheated on her when they were married?

Sounds to me like his ex-wife cheated on him and the affair caused the divorce.

Have you discussed his secret communications with his ex-wife?

Not to say he didn't cheat on her as well though....

I'm really not sure if my H would participate in counseling. He is kind of a "tight wad" when it comes to spending money. Although he did use that as an opening when revealing his A. I asked where he wanted to go for our anniversary and he said to see a marriage counselor.He blames me still for "pushing him into the affair". He says that he takes most of the blame, but he really doesn't.

As for his ex---he says that he never cheated on her--he was in the service during that time. I believe him because he has no reason to lie about that. He feels however that his ex did cheat with the man she started seeing immediately after they split and then married.

I just don't know what to do. I know that it is wrong for him to talk to her without my knowledge, and it makes me angry,but---- we are getting along so well. I don't feel that he has done anything other than talk, but I also know that talk can lead to other things, especially with them already having a past together.

When I confront him about this, everything will change again between us. But I don't know if I can just let it go and see what the outcome is either. I need openness and honesty, but I'm not getting it.

Liars lie. Often without reason.

I know. I think he enjoys telling me lies. How should I handle this secret texting without letting him know how I found out?

"H, I've found out that you are in contact with your XW. You want to tell me what that's all about? I thought that there was to be no secrets between us?"

That sounds pretty simple. I just know he will try to focus on the "how I found out" part.

I know this sounds totally ridiculous, but I keep checking the phone records every day to see if they have texted each other. It's like I want to confront him at just the right moment.

He had to work Sunday , and I saw where they had texted each other all afternoon. He called me in between one of their texting conversations, then texted her right after.

I'm imagining that he said something like, "Hold on , let me check in with wife". I remember when he called me several hours after that he said something like, "I would have called you earlier but I just haven't really thought about it. Well no wonder H---you've been texting your ex all day---no time to think about your wife right now!

I saw where she texted him Tuesday, but he didn't reply. He also did't reply to mine. He had a hurt back and was highly ticked off at me because he thinks that I implied that he should work---which I didn't--so he went in with a hurt back.

Then, yesterday he was home with me all day--I had my wisdom teeth out, so there was no communicating yesterday according to the records.

I don't know what I am waiting on. There isn't a right time and if I keep waiting, they may develop an emotional connection again--especiall since they have such a strong past.

Respond that how you found out is not important - what's much more important is why is it happening and why he is keeping it a secret. If he tries to deflect again to how you found out, repeat the previous statement, and carry on as if he hadn't tried to deflect the discussion.

It's a simple technique called "broken record".

You come up with 2-3 ways to say the same thing and you don't wander off script.

You: "I know you are texting XW. What is going on?"

H: "What do you mean?"

You: "What is going on between you and XW?"

H: "Nothing. You're crazy."

You: "Tell me about the texting."

H: "Are you spying on me?"

You: Tell me about the texting."

H: "Are you on your period or something?"

You: "Tell me about the texting."

STAY calm never raise your voice, make your body language completely relaxed....

If H will not give up the truth after about 5 minutes of "broken record"- say:

"I'm going for a ride to think things over."

Drive to a motel and rent a room. Text H ONE TIME saying:
"I need more time to think about the dishonesty and secrecy between us. I'll see you tomorrow".

Then turn off your phone and watch movies and order room service.

Return home the next morning and say:

"Tell me about the texting."

If he does not come clean after asking ONCE - just nod you head and say "I see."

Come back and tell us what happened.

I just want to ask if I can be first in line for the Pepperband Fan Club?

That was AWESOME!!

That was awesome! I will do it and let you know what happens---don't know about the staying in the hotel part--I have two daughters and really don't want them to know what's going on.

Maybe it won't come to that. I think he will tell me about it because it will be obvious that I KNOW.