My wife has an affair with her boss. It seems they had sex once about one month and a half ago (right after the death of my wife's loved stepmother), and she more or less finished the relationship, besides his wishes. However, she says she misses him so much, and wants to hug him and be with him. Also, they probably mantain phone contact. They see almost daily for job activities.

She confessed me about the affair, and then I had to find who was he. She has agreed to don't look him, change her phone number, don't talk with him except for job business, and had previously requested a job change which unfortunately got on hold for unrelated problems. She also asked me to visit her daily at her job, agreed to marriage counseling and is taking individual therapy, because she suffers distimic syndrome with major depression, and it seems she has serious psychological problems (long story made short: she seems to be repeating her stepmother pattern, who lived with a married man who didn't care about her, and had several affairs with different women. The OM is very similar to my wife's father, both in this and physically, except he is very gentle).

However, she says she doesn't love me anymore, she stays for the children, and she could very well stay with the OM, even knowing he's married, waiting for those spare times to receive his care and "love".

Our MC and my IC don't see the nature or exposure of the affair as something important, and recommend us to concentrate in our relationship, but I keep reading here about the exposure as something primordial. I already talked with several of her friends, asking for help, but have many doubts of going further, because I hope she could just pass this, and I hope his job change comes as soon as possible.

What she says about not loving you is the EXACT same thing all women say when they have an affair. The "love" they feel for their lover is a fantasy; it's like being addicted to a drug. Don't believe anything she says; it's not your real wife. Just stand strong, EXPOSE the affair to everyone, tell their boss so one of them has to quit, and fight for your marriage!

Your marriage will NOT survive unless they NEVER see each other again. ONE of them has to quit!

Thanks for your reply. I've talked with her friends, I know her coworkers know about his (they even saw them!) and now she also knows. I haven't talked with the OM's wife, since I called her and she didn't take the call ("gossip", she said). I'll only call her if the situation doesn't get better. She seems the previous affairs of this man don't allow her to be in a position to hear.

Now what? I'm working in our relationship and just received her emotional needs questionary. I've doubts about giving her mine, but I'll do it.

solitario, you should do an EFFECTIVE exposure. Gossiping to her silly friends is not what we mean when we discuss exposure. We mean a strategic plan where you call/write KEY PEOPLE and expose to them on the same day to create a tsunami effect. Exposure RUINS the fantasy effect of the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

Exposure targets should be:

1. OM's wife [phone call or visit]

2. Director of Human Resources, with a cc to each affairees supervisor along with a key VP or board member. Letter is sent certified mail with cc's clearly noted on each letter. [sample posted below]

3. WW's parents and close family members. Tell them about affair and [very important!--->] ask for their advice in saving your marriage. This seems to movtivate them to want to help.

4. your children. if they are over 4 they should be told of your wife's adultery

5. pastor, if applicable...

This should all be done on the same day - without warning - to get the maximum effect and to prevent the affairees from pre-empting you.

In your case, the OM is your WWs boss so he is placing his company at great legal risk. They will likely have to remove him from his job before he causes a lawsuit.

This was developed by board member, BritsBrat, who is a corporate attorney here:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

I don't think talking with her friends isn't useful. They're her support as she has no close family. And they support our marriage, several of them even activelly act against the affair.

About point 3. My wife doesn't have close family members. All family she has lives in US, we live in Mexico.

Point 4. I talked with my 10yo daugther and told her mom did something bad to me, and I'm angry with her for that. I told my 4yo mom and dad are angry. I told them both we love them.

Point 5. N/A

I liked the letter with cc's. I plan to do this in one week if the situation doesn't improve. She won't work two days to be with me, and we take our MC session thursday.

Is there a time frame for all this? Can I wait this week to see if my wife's does what she says? I wish so.

What mom did was bad to both of you. You could have told her that her mom was seeing another man, that this was very wrong and that you and mom were trying to fix up the mistake that mom made.

Kids aren't stupid.


Time is not your friend. What guarantee do you have that she is not just trying to butter you up while she makes other plans?

Besides, this condition with OM needs to be exposed sooner or later. Rather sooner, than further compromise your relationship.

Also, do you want to look mild and ineffectual?

Weigh these thoughts. You are at the coal face.