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I need your help with my plan B letter please. WH moved out tonight He left rather suddenly and I need to have the letter ready ASAP. Thank you! Dear WH,
I don’t really know where to start as this is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I have written this letter from a place of true love. Please read every word I have written and be present.
I would like to acknowledge and apologise for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed so many times. I'm sure this helped create a void in our marriage that allowed your other friendships to happen. I won’t go into it all again as I couldn’t word it any better than my forum letter to you.
I want us to build a life together that is built on meeting each others basic emotional needs and to avoid the things that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I know I have hurt you in the past and I never want to make you feel that way again. We cannot begin to rebuild our marriage until you end all relationships and emotional commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship, for once and for all. I love you WH, I want you to be my husband, forever.
In the past I have endured the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, or when you'll be home or the way we argue so hurtfully with each other. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. Therefore in order to protect my feelings for you I can no longer see you under the current conditions.
I now see that it is draining my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I cannot have any communication with you, except regarding the children and finances, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there will be nothing left.
I will still need your help financially in meeting all of our current obligations such as the mortgage and childcare fees. My earnings do not cover our commitments and we need to work out a way to cover them between us until I can rent out the house in January.
To this end, I agree that it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your relationship with the children to suffer any further and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative who you are happy with. (I might suggest L or T). I will no longer take your calls or read any SMS messages or emails that you send.
The children are home each night by 5:30pm and bedtime is around 7pm. I would like to suggest that you can call them during this time and DD will answer to speak with you.
I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my love for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. You must know the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW. I feel my love for you slipping away.
I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our harsh feelings and frustrations and see the good, and see the hope. I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this.
I have tried the best way that I know how to express my love for you and my desire to have you in my life as my husband again. I don’t know what else to say. I could hold on, make myself a nuisance of myself but I love you too much to cause you anymore pain than I already have. I just really needed you to know how much I still love you and how sorry I am for all the mistakes that I made. They say that we should learn from our mistakes, and I know that’s true but I just wish the lesson didn’t cost so much.
When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.
God be with you, my love. I am dedicated to make our marriage a place you will really want to be.
Your loving wife,
2M2L
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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That's beautiful. I can't speak for it in the context of a plan B letter, but it is a beautiful letter.
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2M2L,
I've never posted to you, but just read through much of your other thread. It is definitely time for plan B.
I'm not an expert at plan B letters, but want to say this. It is a very lovely letter, but IMO it's too long. Most waywards have the attention span of a 2 year old and I have a feeling your WH will only read part of it.
I think you should remove the part about having the IM be someone he is happy with. You are in control, he has no choice in who you choose. If he doesn't like it, too bad. IMO
I hope others with experience jump in and tell you exactly what you need to do.
Once you do this, you cannot waiver. Plan B won't work unless you go very dark.
Good luck, you can do this.
LC
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I noted on your other thread - you are leaving the door open to him for direct contact and you cannot do that - especially with this wayward. Who can you get for an intermediary to filter out his cruelty and disrespect of you. And his attempts to get you engaged emotionally. This is no "Plan" for no contact yet because it depends on him respecting a boundary and this is why you are having to resort to Plan B in the first place. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
Please take precautions to prevent him from disrespecting you!
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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2M2L, I am so sorry you are in this place.  I would take this part out, though: Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I cannot have any communication with you, except regarding the children and finances, and I will avoid seeing you. ALL contact, except dire life threatening emergencies, should go through your intermediary. Even this minimal contact completely defeats the purpose of Plan B. The goal is for you to DETACH from him and that can't be done if you are in contact with him. Additionally, I would get the locks changed so he doesn't come wandering in. The letter is very good, but you might want to condense it to about a half of that. A distracted, detached wayward is not likely to read a long letter, so it is better to pack it all into 3-5 paragraphs if possible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would also like any communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative who you are happy with. (I might suggest L or T). I will no longer take your calls or read any SMS messages or emails that you send. Lifechoice is right, I missed this part. He does not have any say in the intermediary. You pick out the IM, ask them to be an IM and then tell him that is how it is. Then if wants to contact you, he has to go through the IM. And I think you can cut this down because there is alot of repeated information and too much sentimentalism. He is detached so you don't want to go overboard with the lovey dovey stuff. Also, he should not set foot in your home while in Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The role of the intermediary:
1. a SPAM filter who only passes on ESSENTIAL information in his/her own words, such as "WS will pick up DD at 2:00 on Saturday"
NOT
"please send Sally's pink tennis shoes"
OR
"you are real jerk for not co-parenting with me! how immature!!"
2. remains completely neutral
3. thanks the WS for his communication but tells him if it won't be passed on: "i am sorry but I can't pass this on because it is not in accordance to 2M2L's letter"
4. notifies the WS of any intercepted/erased messages that were sent directly to you:
"2M2L did not read your text message sent today at 2:00. Please send all messages through me as per her request. Any direct communication with 2M2L will not be read. Thank you"
5. the IM agrees beforehand to abide by your Plan B and does not try to persuade you to do anything which conflicts with that plan
6. the IM does not debate with the WS. She just says, thank you for your communication. I will pass on anything that is accoradance with 2M2L's letter
7. the IM DOES ALL NEGOTIATING FOR A RECONCILIATION TO TEST THE WS'S SINCERITY - THIS IS NOT DONE BY THE BS
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you all for your comments and for the instructions too ML  Would someone like my brother-in-law be ok? He is completely tired of the crap and doesn't want to be involved, BUT, wants the best for our kids at all times. He would be a great filter for me, but hopefully the best one for WH too. He is also the only person on the planet that WH will not get away with being nasty too. He's an older brother by 10 years and doesn't put up with the bullsh1t of WH. I don't really want to subject my family to his venom or my friends for that matter. My Landmark friends might be ok, but I'd rather not have someone who could waiver. Mutual friend was always my first choice, but as he is WH's boss in Band#1, it could backfire as WH wants me not to involve his work. I don't want him to call my boss... Should I also put IC and/or anger management in the conditions to return? I will also try and condence the letter in the morning with a fresh set of eyes. Unfortunately, long and sentimental is my speciality
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Would someone like my brother-in-law be ok? If this is WS's brother, I see this potentially being a big problem. He is completely tired of the crap and doesn't want to be involved, BUT, wants the best for our kids at all times. This line right here concerns me. If he doesn't want to be involved, asking him to be your IM puts him heavily involved. Secondly, him wanting what's best for the kids could interpret as telling you to stop being so difficult and just talk with WS. My FWS's family started telling me I needed to be nice for the kids' sakes. He would be a great filter for me, but hopefully the best one for WH too. This is about what's best for you...not WS. He is also the only person on the planet that WH will not get away with being nasty too. He's an older brother by 10 years and doesn't put up with the bullsh1t of WH. Let me say this again.... IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER WS LIKES WHO YOU CHOSE OR WILL BEHAVE WITH WHO YOU CHOSE. The only factors you should consider in choosing your IM is what Mel posted above. I don't really want to subject my family to his venom or my friends for that matter. You have got to choose the person who will keep you protected. This isn't about protecting your IM. Your family and friends aren't going to have a nervous breakdown because they hear WS's fog babble. But if you continue to be unprotected from it, YOU could very well end up there. Mutual friend was always my first choice, but as he is WH's boss in Band#1, it could backfire as WH wants me not to involve his work. I don't want him to call my boss... It doesn't matter what WS wants. But it sounds like this person is a close friend to WS...that would not be a good choice.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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AGree with SMB!
2M, is he still having an affair? Did I read this right that he was just with the OW?
If so, the path back should read like this:
When you have ended your affair with OW and are committed to recovery, we can discuss reconciliation.
Then leave the details for later. Is there some reason he needs counseling? Anger managment?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel - he has abused and gaslighted her into denying that there is an affair, even though his relationship with the OW is more important to him than his marriage right now.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Thanks Kayla. In that case, she definitely needs to mention it:
"When you have ended your affair with OW and are committed to a program of recovery, we can discuss reconciliation."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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They work together in several bands and he has clearly chosen his "friendship" (close EA up until 3 weeks ago) over me and our marriage.
I just don't think he'll giver her up and the work up for me.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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I just don't think he'll giver her up and the work up for me. 2m2l, A solid, well carried out, very dark Plan B is the only way he will ever come around. You will be so much stronger in Plan B.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I was afraid you would say that.
He really likes the new bands though and I would rather she left them. I just don't hink he'll give up the work, and won't give up her as a friend either.
He maintains that it was always just firnedship, but he did put her first in our marriage and moved out because I asked him to stop the friendship.
I don't think it would ever be a PA. Don't worry, I'm just justifying. There is no way he can continue his friendship and dedicate himself to the marriage.
Is there a way it can be done?
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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2much, please don't call it a "friendship," it is an affair. You are asking if it is possible for him to continue his affair and dedicate himself to the marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Quote
I checked his phone tonight and I believe he's deleted everything relevant anyway. He had about 5 photos with her on his phone and 3 of just her in various fully dressed poses. He definately feels more for her than a friend although I agree with posters who said the affection is not returned.
She had sent him one photo where she was holding a sign that said I miss you, please bring cake.
QUOTE
He'd called OW once yesterday morning, and she'd called him early afternoon.
He had sent OW one message at 11pm "I'll never be away from you. You know better. I just need out of here. Acid will be there so unfortunately not. Sweet dreams babe."
2MUCH,
These are quotes from your thread.
You know, this screams AFFAIR!!!!
Why did you call her and talk to her? Why did you apologise? She is having an inappropriate relationship with your H. Do you really think she has the class to stop what is going on? Or care about you? Or your family?
Don't you know your H has told all these people how 'over' you are? One thing I know is you NEVER trash your spouse to other people.
I agree with WOF, ML and Kayla that this man is gaslighting you big time.
Please do an edit of your plan B letter and post it here. We will help. I am afraid you will have a nervous breakdown.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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Draft 2 for comments please:-
Dear WH,
I know that you've been unhappy for a long time, for many reasons, some of which you may not be sure of. I'm aware that my behavior in the past contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional distance between us that lead to the breakdown in our marriage.
You have told me you need time away from me to see if you can restore the love you had for me. I feel so much for you as I know how hard it is to be away from your children. I respect that you have taken time to think about your life. However, you have chosen to spend time with one specific woman and possibly others. You have told me it is just a friendship, but you are still in heavy contact with her and cover up your contact, just like an affair, and I repeatedly feel like you have chosen her over our marriage.
I find my love for you dying. So, in order to preserve the love I still have for you, I must remove you from my daily life until you stop contact with OW.
Until then, I agree that it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue to look after our children. I don’t want your relationship with the children to suffer and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation, but I must ask that you have no contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I have changed the alarm code, so please do not access the house and set off the alarm.
If you must contact me regarding finances or to arrange visits with our children, you must do this through a third party – Y from church on (617) 999-9999 cell (817) 888-9999 Office (800) 777-7777. I expect our current financial arrangements to stay the same and I still need your help financially to meet our current obligations. I cannot meet them on my own.
The children are home each night by 5:30pm and bedtime starts at 7pm. If you can, please call them during this time and DD will answer.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. I could hold on, and continue to make a nuisance of myself, but I love you too much to cause you anymore pain than I already have.
As soon as you are willing to permanently end the affair with OW and are willing to follow measures to ensure total honesty so that this never happens again, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family, and a marriage that will make us both truly happy.
I look back through our life and I chose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.
I hope we will be together again one day.
Your loving wife,
ARILY
2M2L
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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2Much, I condensed this a bit and took out some troublesome lines, such as where you debate whether it is an affair or not, where you call yourself a nuisance and where you tell him you have forgiven him. It IS an affair, whether he admits it or not, you don't want to say you are a nuisance, and there is nothing TO forgive ....YET. Just because he won't admit it is an affair does not mean it is not. I would also send a copy of this to the OW with a little note to her attached with something like: Dear Ho, I will do what it takes to save my marriage. Did you line up an intermediary who is willing to do what we discussed? I know that you've been unhappy for a long time, for many reasons, some of which you may not be sure of. I'm aware that my behavior in the past contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional distance between us that lead to the breakdown in our marriage.
You affair with HoBaggia has caused me enormous pain. It is because of this that I must cut off all contact between us. As a result, I find my love for you dying. So, in order to preserve the love I still have for you, I must remove you from my daily life until you stop contact with OW and commit to a plan of recovery.
I don’t want your relationship with the children to suffer and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation, but I must ask that you have no contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I have changed the alarm code, so please do not access the house and set off the alarm.
Any essential contact regarding finances or to arrange visits with our children, you must do this through a third party – Y from church on (617) 999-9999 cell (817) 888-9999 Office (800) 777-7777. I expect our current financial arrangements to stay the same.
The children are home each night by 5:30pm and bedtime starts at 7pm. If you can, please call them during this time and DD will answer.
As soon as you are willing to permanently end the affair with OW and committ to a plan of recovery, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family, and a marriage that will make us both truly happy.
I look back through our life and I chose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I hope we will be together again one day.
Your loving wife,
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow - you're version reads a lot differently and seems more scary to me...
But, that's why you are the expert! (thank you)
What do I do about timing to give it to him and how?
See my post for the update, but he didn't come home last night.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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