This has been a bad week. Work is crazy, kids are crazy, husband has multiple personality disorder. He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not....

It's not easy to believe someone loves you when they don't want to see you. I've really tried no to do love busters, I've really tried to do plan A, albeit I've probably done a poor job of it. But I'm really not coping well with anything about this now. Believer, Chrysalis, I appreciate your support a few weeks back. I'm must seem like an idiot, not seeing the truth in spite of it kicking me square in the face again and again.

I know plan B is what I should be doing, but I just don't know if I can do it. Or I'm really feeling that if I do it, it will be the last time we ever speak to eachother.

He leaves for a tropical vacation on Monday for one week (will be gone for my birthday by the way), with a bunch of guys golfing. All single guys. Booked a "Breezes" resort (couples resort??????). I'm almost scared for next week to come I think if I called these guys they'd be at home, and "she" wouldn't be. (i.e. she'd be with him)

This is absolutely killing me. Killing me. Killing me. Plan A is hard to do when he lives an hour away now and barely "fits" me into his life. And it's obvious that our communication skills are awful, because NOTHING we talk about is easy. Nothing.

Why do I think I still love him?? God, I don't know. History, how I feel the moment I see him, the sound of his voice, how everything in my world is perfect when I fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me, how good it is when we actually do "connect" and communicate properly. All of these things occur rarely or not at all now.

He leaves Monday, and has only a hour or so to see me this weekend. Wow - do I have any dignity left here at all....

If I could just follow the MB principals, plan A, plan B, etc., would it really make any difference. Would it help me not to rollercoaster up and down, would it help me sleep at night, and stop obsessing about the pictures in my mind of them together? I feel paralyzed. Obsessed. The pain is like a permanent feeling now. I know I should work on me, I keep telling myself take baby steps, reach out, keep busy, but everything I do is shadowed by the loneliness and the hurt.

How do you find the strength and the peace to deal with this?

Wow, Chryss, I am so sorry you are going through this. FWIW, I went through a 2-year plan A that just about killed me. It was way too long, though I had my reasons for doing it that way.

Yes, he is probably going away with the OW. He is out of his mind right now, and it is not about you.

Know what the problem with a really long plan A is? The cake-eater gets a better and better life while the BS suffers. Even if the marriage is saved eventually, the BS still has to wade through a ton of resentment over the long period of mistreatment by the WS. And the resentments are overlaid on some very real PTSD. When(if) the WS comes back to the marriage the WS has been mired in selfishness for so long he doesn't know how to be anything else. And it takes a very long time to learn to be unselfish and caring. The WS doesn't necessarily have motivation to return what was stolen to the marriage. So I think a long plan A portends a very long recovery timeline. JMHO, I have nothing but my own experience to back it up.

I do think it is time for you to set some limits and protect yourself from exposure to his mistreatment of you. He is not a single man, and he doesn't have the right to act like one.

If you think you might be ready to consider plan B, let the good folks here help you use this week to put your plan into place.

{{{{{Chryss}}}}}

I would wager that the tropical vacation is with the OW.

Time for Plan B.

ditto

start plan B strategy while he is away -

Well, it's been quite the weekend. Friday night was terrible. I'm not a drinker, but had a couple and that was all it took for me to make an LB phone call to him. He had his son overnight, and I know I was interrupting much needed time with his son. But I couldn't help it. The conversation went badly. The next morning we were supposed to meet for breakfast, but he didn't call as he said he would. So - I got in my car about 2pm and drove an hour to the city where he lives to drive by his and her houses. Drove by his house, no one home. Drove by her house - and lo and behold, his exact make, model and year of car was in her driveway. My hands were shaking so badly I had to pull my car over. Then I saw the license plate was not his. I didn't know what to do - did he change his plates???? At precisely that moment, he called me on my blackberry - from his parent's house an hour away. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if he was at her house, or where he was. Turned out he WAS at his mother's finishing a bathroom renovation all afternoon, and invited me to come see his work. I drove back quickly (didn't tell him I was actually parked outside HER house. There was his car in he driveway (no way he could have been at her house.. what are the odds - same car????)

His mother was wonderful, very warm hug, and invited me to stay for dinner. All in all, a really wonderful time. He asked if I would spend the next day with him to celebrate my birthday before he went away on his tropical vacation. Then I witnessed several calls to his groups of friends (men friends) that are going on this golf trip with him. Seems legitimate...

Then.. 11pm last night he calls me and asks if I had just called. He heard the phone ring, was asleep, and ran to get it because he thought it was me. Then the person on the line hung up after hearing him answer. It wasn't me who called - I would imagine it was her. BUT, he told me about it. And if it was her, and she called and hung up, I am happy because it means to me that she didn't feel that he wanted to talk to her - she just hung up. He told me there have been a few calls like that. It makes me very uncomfortable that she is calling him, but if she is in the position of calling and hanging up, then SHE is on the outside now - don't you think?

I said to him on the phone that I want to love him for the rest of my life. He said, I WILL love you for the rest of his life....

Okay, so I'm holding my breath .... maybe there is a beginning here. He said the reason things never evolved into anything with her is because when he is with me, I make him "crazy". Just a kiss, makes him crazy. And there was no "crazy" with her. Nothing... just a person, but no spark.

We had been having a really rough time the past few years, and we were living separately. As much as I thought we were still a "couple", he thought it was over. He says he thought that this was his life now, that I threw him away, and she came along and was just someone to talk to. He had told her that he didn't have a lot of time, and only saw her when he felt like it. She was actively in pursuit (I know, his side of the story).

Anyway, I'm beginning to see flickers of his guard going down, and I'm on hyper alert for inconsistencies and lies, but it seems over weekend we got somewhere. I'm happy today. First time in a long time. We're meeting today to spend a few hours together, and then he flies out tonight. I'm taking a leap of faith here. And I'm very happy that if I come crashing to the ground again I can come here.

Maybe this is really going to work out for us.... thoughts???

I'd definitely ask to see his holiday snaps of him and the guys.

You better believe it.... I'll be asking to see all of them. AND will be checking up on her while he's away. Unfortunately my car is VERY distinct and there's not many around so if she sees me she'll notice it's me. Oh well. She's a real estate agent, and I've been thinking of calling and asking to see a house she has listed - without her knowing it's me, just to see what she is like up close. I just don't know if I can pull it off without coming unglued....

Borrow a friend's car or rent a car.

I'm thinking if I go in the evening after dark on a weeknight I will be able to see if she's home and she won't see me. Probably tomorrow.... God, I don't know what I'll do if she's not home. Oh well, trying not to borrow trouble...

This is not the behavior of a solid married man who wants to please his wife - going off on vacation with single guys and missing his wife's B-day.

Are you sure you want this one back?

I think your focus on OW is keeping you from seeing the scummy way your H is treating you!

Well, that was my immediate reaction as well. He booked this before I came to him to reconcile. We also didn't have a lot of time to take vacations the last few years - due to my life, not his. There were a lot of issues on my side, and we never had time away together. He didn't travel at all, although he could have. It was dificult because I have my children 24/7, and he has his 50/50. And money was always an issue as well. Now that I bought him out of our house, he has had time and money to do things that he couldn't do before. He wants to know if I can plan a trip with him to go to Cuba in February. I would be scrambling to manage this, but we have NEVER had a holiday alone. Yes, he is being selfish to a large degree. But I was pretty crappy to him on his birthday last year - I was angry with him and blamed him for a lot of things that I see now were not his fault. I was very insensitive for the past couple of years, but our circumstances were very, very difficult. I can see that he gave up a lot to be in our marriage. I have to recognize that - I worked a lot, I didn't listen very much, I was jealous of a lot of things. I guess I took a lot and gave very little. Looking back, I am very verbal, he is not. From reading on here, I could say I was verbally abusive in many ways. Always twisting his words, looking for ulterior motives, not trusting, demanding. He was there for me, and I wasn't there for him. Never got involved in his hobbies, yet he always took time for mine. Didn't help with issues with his kids the past few years, he was beside me in dealing with mine. I dont' know why it got that way, I just always felt "ripped off" somehow. Like his life was so easy, and mine was such a struggle (I have issues with mental illness with my ex, and my son. No child support for my kids, always been financially responsible for my kids alone. My husband was there financially, but had his own obligations to his ex-wife as well, so we were always 50/50 financially, and it was harder for me until I built my career up enough to relieve the financial pressure. Now I make more than my husband, with a lot of opportunity to increase my income. But the price has been high.

But I do see his sensitivity to me coming back. And his commitment to me is becoming more obvious. I think I really hurt him in ways that I didn't realize. My words - he quotes me on things I've said that he never responded to back then. Now he remembers them and says to me "you always said I was "this", or you always told me "that". I think I put him down a lot, without realizing it. Now I see that he communicates less with words, and more with actions. Like making me coffee every morning although he hates coffee. Like bringing me rare plants for my garden, although he doesn't garden. Like helping me cope with pressures at work for hours on end, and asking for nothing. Like making sure I eat when I am sick, and rubbing my back when it's sore. Just not words. I think I put more value on words because they are my way of expressing love. They are not his. I think his way is more meaningful, because words are easier.

I want to believe in this. I'm cautious, but I want to believe in this. He seems sincere. Cautious, but sincere. He talks to his mother a lot - she is a wonderful, warm lady. And she was great to me the other day. Gave me a hug, and asked that I not be a stranger to her. She always welcomed my kids and I into their family - Christmases were insane - the gifts they gave were like we were a part of the family right from the beginning. They've been married over 40 years - he always said I was the only person he'd ever known that he wanted that with too.

We've been together ten years. We were apart on our anniversary and he sent roses to my work. Never one for sending flowers, but he sent them with a beautiful note about my being the first thing he thought of when he woke up, and the last thing he thought of when he went to sleep and he wished we could be spending our anniversary together. At the time I was coping with so much, and blamed him for a lot of it. I didn't even respond to his flowers. It was within a month that he met her. I can see how he would move on - kind of. It's just that we had said that if we reached the point of wanting to see other people, we would tell eachother. And he didn't tell me. Then I called on day, and said I wanted to see him and that I had realized that all the sunshine in my life had disappeared and it was because he was gone. I needed to separate all the issues in my life to see what was really there without him in the equation. And the problems were still there, bigger than ever. Kind of like a self-imposed plan B, I see now.
Except he had moved on. I thank God I called that day, as I think any longer and their relationship would have become more serious. That night I called and we met, he called her to break it off. Told her he still loved me. And told me that ending it with her was the easiest decision he ever made. The next few weeks were crazy, as he said his heart wanted to be with me, but his head was saying no. He didn't want to get hurt, didn't know if I was legitimate. I didn't have an affair or anything, but I did completely eradicate him from my life for two months.

In my heart I didn't say goodbye to him, just needed space. Told him that. But he just saw no response from me, nothing at all to indicate there was any hope. To me his moving on with another feels like an affair, to him it was over with us and she was very available to him.

Not justifying his actions, just seeing reality. Owning my part in this. We both hurt eachother a lot - lots of defenses left over from our previous divorces. But the strength he has given me just by holding my hand through many, many terrible things couldn't have been faked, I don't think.

Time will tell. I'm sure I'll be here sobbing again soon. Who knows what tomorrow brings. But this week away will tell me a lot. If he is still entertaining the thought of starting fresh with her, I'm out of this. Can't take the rollercoaster anymore. What a hell of a month it's been.

Just saw your post. Could be you're right about my focus on OW. Makes me absolutely crazy to think of her. She's beautiful, younger, no kids, successful, accomodating. But he says there was no spark - she was very available, listened to him, accepted what he offered with no expectations.

That hurts, as I always wonder if he is comparing us.