My husband has recently become a completely changed person. He has an extremely stressful job that he often carries over into his personal life. We are high school sweet hearts and have been married for almost five years now. We have been through many ups and downs but always seem to get back on track. But this time seems different. I think he needs to seek professional help, but he doesnt want to. He has spoken with a department at work about the depression and they say they will help but they have done nothing up to this point. He has left and stayed with a friend a least four times over the past two weeks and just wont open up. We have always been each others best friend and now I feel like he is just letting go. What can I do to get him back? He hates to talk and tells me that I am just nagging him. I just dont want it to be too late and us split up. Not only is it putting a strain on our marriage but our two young children see it as well. I just feel helpless and dont know what I can do, if anything.

Hi KSQ, welcome to MB. How much of Harley's site have you read? A great place to start when trying to improve your marriage is sitting down and just putting in the time to read and understand what Harley says about what makes marriage work. Reading his stuff can really help demystify the illness in your marriage and help you understand what makes you and your husband tick. Instead of this seemingly unsolvable problem you'll find that there are lots of things you can do to get your marriage back on track.

Basic Concepts



First off, if your husband is depressed he really does need to see a doctor. Depression often requires medical treatment along with counseling. It is not a problem people can or should just try to manage on their own. But remember, this is your husband's choice. You cannot control him and should not try. All you can do is express your opinion and respectfully request he see a doctor about his situation. Once you have expressed this desire and he has responded to you - you need to drop it. Don't keep bringing it up. He knows how you feel. Saying it again doesn't do anything positive. He probably doesn't want or need someone to parent him.


Next I would really get in to understanding your and your husband's emotional needs. If your husband isn't interested in talking about his needs now, do your best to figure them out and become an expert at meeting them. You need to learn to put much more in to your husband's lovebank than you take out.

Emotional Needs
EN Questionnaire


Also take time to figure out your lovebusters and completely eliminate them. Only you and he can figure out what those are but he has already given you a hint - he doesn't like talking about the situation and he feels like he is being nagged. You have to stop doing things that are irritating or otherwise produce a negative reaction for him. Everytime you do something that produces a negative response in him you are punching a hole in his lovebank. When being around you is unpleasant, he will desire to be somewhere else.

Love Busters
LB Questionnaire

Depression is a challenging situation and it certainly can put a strain on a marriage. But I get the impression there are things you can do, adjustments you can make to the way you respond to him and this situation that could take the negative focus off your marriage. Sounds like stopping the lovebusters is the first thing you need to do.

Finally, no good member of this forum would fail to at least ask - any chance he is having an affair? Spending time at someone else's house seems a little extreme. I just throw that out there for you to consider.

What exactly is he depressed about? Is there something you can do to alleviate some of the stress he feels at work?

PS
You may want to move your thread over to Emotional Needs as this area doesn't get a lot of traffic.

Thank you for all your help. I will take everything you said in consideration. I have asked several times if he is having an affair and each time he has said no. There have been times when I have thought that this might be our problem but this time I think it is depression. I just feel so hopeless at this time. Everytime I talk with him I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I have told him about seeing a doctor and at one point he was fine with it, now he thinks he can handle it. I just feel so helpless at this point.

ksq, I also see many red flags here that lead me to wonder if he is not having an affair. It is very unlikely that a person would go stay with a friend several times because he is "depressed." That is out of the ordinary for a depressed person because such a person is more likely to stay home and not socialize. Depressed ppl are very anti-social.

My suggestion to you would be to start doing some snooping and have him followed the next time he stays with his friend. Your H does not act depressed, but DISTRACTED.

And stop asking him if he is having an affair. A person who is having an affair is not going to tell you the truth.

I smell an affair. He is depressed but "staying with a friend"?

Talk to the "friend" and see if hubby was even there.

Affairs are usually with old loves, someone who works closely with him, or a good friend of the two of you. Check around and see what you can find out.