I may re-write this post with a little more thought to it.

To be re-posted at a later date.

Can you skip ahead to where there is something relevant? Pretty lucid for a four year old - psychoanalytic ability and all! When I was 4, I think I stuck an M&M up my nose - but then again, I'm not really sure. After all, I was only four.

If you are trying to state the case for legacy affair - okay. Your point. Move on.

Don't worry - I just put you on filter.

That's what I thought too.

Skald911,

Please know my words are not meant to be harsh, so I hope you do not take it that way.

As a Former wayward I would like to make a suggestion to you. Tell the story without all the drama.

Waywards tend to apply drama to situations and not always see it.

If it helps in your healing to tell the story, good, but do it in the least dramatic way you can.

BTW, people here don't hate former waywards, they just don't like wayward thinking (and rightfully so). You are early in all of this and will see the difference someday.

One thing I learned early on after I ended my A was to read what people have to say to you more than once, especially if it is upsetting. Sometimes reading it a few times allows you to see what the person actually meant vs what you first thought.

I did not post here right after I ended the A, but did on a similar board. The best thing I did for myself was learn to listen to people. I didn't always agree, but I did listen to what they had to say.

LC

I pulled this out of my journal and wanted to share it with you. Someone said this to me a loooong time ago when I was posting on the other board.


I found it to be true.

Good luck in your journey.

I do have one more suggestion, it will be fairly easy to recognize the difference between someone giving difficult to read advice vs someone being rude. I would highly suggest if you find certain posters being rude on a regular basis, you simply utilize the ignore feature, save yourself the aggravation and use your energy to help the situation, not make it worse.

LC

L/C thanks for the advice. I will reorganize my thoughts and repost without the drama if I can.

skald,

I'm glad you started a thread of your own.

I didn't get a chance to read your post before you wiped it out.

I know your a professional writer, and it might even be hard to shut that off, but just try to keep it as simple as you can.

The details of your M are really what is important to focus on.

I also like the idea of keeping your story in small parts as it is easier to read that way.

FYI

skald is the husband of drgnfly

here is her tag line:

BW(me)- 30
FWH - 31
DD - almost 4
D-Day 10/14/08
M 7 yrs (together 14 yrs)

(I am doing this so I don't lose track of who's who)

Skald,


I hope I didn't offend you and that's why you removed your posts.

I was telling my DH about your thread and what I said to you. I told him one of the best ways I found to acknowledge and work through the issues in me that led to my choice to have an A was to put them out for others to see and give me feedback. (this along with IC, which I would highly recommend for anyone who had an A.)

Early on I can remember having specific thoughts about things and other posters would say something like, "LC, yes we understand what you are saying, but if you look at it this way you may see things differently."

After a while and a lot of guidance I started to have many lightbulb moments. I am so glad I had people (mostly BS's) guiding me so I could really understand all the dynamics involved.

LC

L/C - Not offended in the least. Just capable of recognizing good advice when I read it (usually.)

Had a rough night last night is all, and the post reflected that too strongly.

Tst - a nearly irrelevant distinction, but for clarification I am not a professional writer. It's a hobby - I've never tried to receive payment for what I do.

I will re post with less drama when the fog of last night clears some.

I agree with this and believe it is one of the reasons this forum is so good for many. As a former wayward minded person, I was awakened in AA by fellow members who were quite shocked [and amused] by the fogbabble I spewed at my first AA meetings. [one member even mimed a violin player to mimic my expressions of self pity ] Their reaction caused me to rethink my own thinking. No one had ever challenged my fogbabble before!

So, I do think it is very effective for posters to see how others react to them.

Yeppers!

My husband started going to AA meetings at the same time he was de-fogging from his adultery. He was a real piece of work back then :RollieEyes: . His AA guides had to tell my H to "quit whining" and start reading The Big Book instead, one of them BOUGHT the Big Book for my H.

I was told to "take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth!!" ...by a DOMINICAN NUN!!

FWIW my father was a drunk and an adulterer. He died when I was four. My mother thought we needed a father figure so she replaced my dead father with an alcoholic stepfather who abused us all, tried to kill my mother but was too drunk to succeed. He did burn down a small house in the garden, killed the dog and totaled the family car.

Oh, and I didn't cheat on my wife.

FWIW

I have nothing against you personally - yet. I don't hate former waywards. After all, I'm married to one.

But one thing I believe to my core is that there is no excuse for an affair. Waywards always rationalize/justify their affair behavior - always.

Well that pig don't fly.

Former waywards don't. They accept that they chose to do what they did. They own it.

Nobody pulled your pants down but you. It wasn't your dad, your mom, your first grade teacher, your little league coach or your wife - it was you.

If you can start with that, you'll get a lot better a lot faster.

There are three solutions to problems in a marriage:
1) live with it
2) fix it
3) divorce from it

Affairs are not an option.

Really? My justification was/is I did something incredibly stupid. There is no rationale for it. There is nothing that makes what I did "OK".

Please don't base any argument on your assumptions about people - you missed my point completely. Which was helpful because it made me realize that I did a horrible job on that post and it needed to be deleted/re-written if it is to help me or anybody else.

Just as this post gives me a format for what I was trying to say.

Lets start over?

Skald calls for a do-over ....

Bygones...

I agree with the "do-over" idea. No hard feelings...

Skald, we do want to hear your story. We do value the input and insights that ONLY former waywards can provide. So, thank you very much in advance.

Please, please (friendly advice here) be honest but also be CAREFUL in telling your story. We BSs have become very adept in detecting even a thinly-veiled layer of fog-justifications or excuses and find anything less than FULL RESPONSIBILITY, COMPLETE REMORSE, & TRUE REPENTANCE to be EXTREMELY HURTFUL AND OFFENSIVE.

You and I were talking about WS fog on a different thread and I noticed you became touchy when this subject was brought up and enforced by myself and one other BS poster.

I know that you are a former and recovering wayward and I heartily commend you for truly "walking the walk". Thank you again for your efforts and understanding of this sensitive issue.

With respect,
SD

Skald,


Great job recognizing this. Now you have to come up with better coping skills for when it happens again. What are you going to do next time that will be more productive for you and Drgnfly? Recognizing stuff like this is when you will start to see how the escape from reality plays such a big role in A's.

For me early on, I had a hard time really seeing what was a justification and what wasn't. Don't worry if you post something that's a justification because you may not really realize it at the time. It's for sure someone will call you on it and then you will know. Those are the posts I was telling you to read more than once. Also read with an open mind (not always an easy task)

I cannot tell you how many times I slammed my laptop lid down and called the other posters names because I was so sure they didn't know what they were talking about and/or didn't understand anything I said. Early on I read their words as harsh, when they really weren't. All they were doing was pointing out justifications that I honestly didn't believe were.

After I finally got my act together they asked me why I kept coming back. Originally I think it was a form of self-torture, but I also knew they were triggering things in me and helping me see the errors in my thinking even when I didn't really want to. I am very lucky they were patient and took the time with me. I knew they weren't obligated to help me, but was thankful they were willing.

Every single thing, good or bad, that has happened in your life will never, ever change the fact it was all about your choices when you decided to have an A. (this one took me a loooong time to understand)

Just the fact you are here is big because a large dose of reality, although hard to read, will help in your recovery.

LC