I'm not falling asleep as easily as I used to be and getting up in the morning is so hard. I am not getting up early enough to fix myself up.

I'm struggling because I feel like I need to move on and get my freedom. And I don't know what to do?

My future isn't really free until I end my M. I can move on, live a life separate, but having someone to be in a relationship with is on HOLD until I D and heal from that.

I feel different inside. I wasn't able to really look at getting a D because in the back of my mind I kept holding out hope. But look at me, I'm healing, I'm learning to really take care of myself and part of that is being HONEST about my M. I was unhappy. Does that mean I would have gotten D, NO WAY, I would have kept finding a way to make him happy.

But I'm not that person anymore. I'm getting stronger emotionally in so many ways. I wonder if my freedom from this marriage is the last piece of healing for me..... He can't control me.

I'm just looking at my options and wondering.

I got your grandmother covered. I almost ALWAYS have lipstick on....

And I still have my tan which gives me GREAT color... It's the mascara that's a little lacking...

IMO..and I MAY NOT be GETTING IT..you have ENOUGH to do just WORKING ON YOURSELF..without worrying about making a decision about whether to DIVORCE or NOT...

Why not just FOCUS ON LOVING YOURSELF???

Why is that determined by whether or not you are DIVORCED?

This focus on DIVORCING and analyzing your marriage takes the focus off of YOUR WORK, IMO...

You can BE FREE without getting a DIVORCE...

You must be wanting to DATE or something...


It doesn't seem like you're ready for THAT...

MMMMM.... I need to think about what you are saying. I'm not trying to get out of focusing on me. I'm trying to move forward and let G-d to keep working on me without me stopping him.

No, I'm not ready to date, but I am ready to be open to what G-d WANTS for me to do.

Now, I won't lie, that guy calling and asking me out on a date, felt NICE and yeah, I wouldn't mind it. But I'm not READY for it.

I hope there is a difference.

So go ahead and keep moving FORWARD...

Remember YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT EXIST...

Y-O-U moving forward...

Queenie,

When YOU have decided it is time to let go, it is time to let go.

I know the question already...

But what if God doesn't want me to divorce?

He has forgiven so much more.

That is why He allows us to divorce for reasons of adultery and sexual immorality. He hates divorce. He hates adultery at least as much and maybe more since one of His top ten has to do with adultery and divorce is only mentioned in passing by comparison.

What if you're wrong?

Ever been wrong before? Did you survive, get over it and move forward anyway? Think God forgave you? (Hint: YEP!)

Part of faith is realizing that if we seek His will and make a mistake, He is willing and able to use even our mistake for His glory.

He doesn't expect us to be perfect. That is His domain entirely. He knows that and loves us warts and all.

God's will is not a place; it is a path.

It isn't an event but a life.

It isn't a destination but a journey.

Why did Israel wander in the wilderness for 40 years? It was because they didn't have faith that God could accomplish His will in spite of their short comings. They were afraid to try to take away the land He was giving them from the "giants" that lived there. It wasn't punishment that kept them wandering but a lesson that they had not learned that they should have known all along since it was by miracles greater than just overcoming giants that had brought them into freedom.

So they wandered around for 40 years until all the doubters were gone. Then they crossed the river at flood stage by a miracle of His hand. They conquered a walled city by having the women and children march around it singing and shouting.

And then they had the worst defeat in the history of Israel. They were utterly routed, lost many men and were demoralized because of one man's sin. After waiting 40 years they still made a mistake.

But God didn't send them back into the wilderness. He didn't say..."OK. If you can't get this right there'll be no promised land for you."

What did He do?

He dealt with that sin separately from all the rest that ever happened, past and future. David sinned many years later. Saul sinned. Even Elijah's faith failed him and yet God used even those sins to establish His will for us today.

What if you divorce and could still save your marriage?

He can and wants to.

But there is one more variable you aren't seeing in all of this.

Your WH has free will as well.

As much as it hurts God, He is letting your WH have things his way.

God knows that the only way your husband returning to you or to HIM will be of any value is if he chooses to return.

So when do you divorce?

When you feel you have done all you can and are ready to move on.

And is it a sign that you are giving up on God if you divorce?

I hardly think so. And even if it is wrong, God can use it for His will and good overall.

And what if your WH has an epiphany and suddenly wants to come home after you are divorced?

Stranger things have happened and I know of a couple that was divorced for almost 20 years and then remarried.

I know another couple that divorced in their 20s, married others before they were 30, both were widowed in their 50s and remarried just before they retired in their 60s.

Is this God's plan for you?

Probably not, since it was His plan for THEM. I don't know what He has planned for you because I am not Him.

One more question I just know you are considering in all of this...

What if you divorce, heal, find someone else and marry them and THEN your WH wants to come home?

It will be your WH's loss.

Will it show that you were too weak to wait for God?

NOPE! It might take you marrying someone else in order for your WH to realize what he has lost and given up and tossed away with so little thought. It will then be a lesson for WH and no longer be about you since that will be his problem and not yours and his lesson to learn.

Does God hate divorce? Yep. Does he allow it? YEP.

How long do you wait for WH? Till you have done all you can.

What if you give up before God does? Why would you even consider yourself to be equal to Him in patience?

Look at the BIG picture here, Queenie.

Was what Hitler did right or wrong? Was his rise to power God's will?

It led to Israel being reborn after almost 2000 years.
It led to Oscar Schindler and Corrie ten Boom.
It also led to the 1967 war and the bombing of a train station that killed women and children.
It also led in part to the war in Iraq and the one in Afghanistan.

So was it God's will?

Psalm 102:11&12

My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.
But YOU, Oh Lord, sit enthroned forever;
your renown endures through all generations.

We are merely here for a short time. God is looking at a much bigger picture than we could ever hope to see. He will accomplish His will no matter what we decide to do.

Will I make mistakes?

Without a doubt.

Will that stop Him from doing what His will for the world is?

Not a chance. I'm way too puny for that to happen.

What you are really asking is this: If I divorce and move on and God wanted me to wait longer, would He forgive me any way?

Hasn't he already forgiven things at least as big?

He has for me...

Divorce doesn't even have to be the end of the story, Queenie.

What if it is God's will that you marry someone else and live a life of joy and wealth with a husband that cares for you the way God intended?

Not saying that is His will, just asking what if...

I don't KNOW God's will from beginning to end through all generations. That is why I have to trust Him, because He does know.

Mark

Mark,

WOW..... thank you.

I'm not there today, but I am certainly closer and this helps me to keep praying for just G-ds will and know that when that time does come, I'm ok for going in a direction towards G-d.

The truth is, I did all I could do before this happened. My H is unhappy in HIS life. He has DEMONS that are destroying HIM, but he can lie and blame ME. And stupid ME, thought I could take that blame, fix it and bring him home.

There is NOTHING I can do for HIM. I have DONE all I can do. It's completely up to G-d. I went into Plan B when I didn't want to, but knew it was the only way to survive and somehow heal.

I don't want a D, but maybe I'm just hanging on because I'm afraid of the wilderness of freedom.

Regardless, you have given me so much to pray and write on.


Thank you, thank you so much

for what Mark said!



Oh, I truly understand this! That's why I lasted 2.5 years from xh starting the insanity until I filed for a divorce and why it took another year to get to court. Sometimes, you just have to heal enough to be able to accept the challenge of freedom.

Yes, maybe sometimes you do...

Hi Queenie,
just been catching up on your thread. You sound good my friend. You have come along way from the Queenie I met when I first came to MB.
Still praying for you

Hi Lil,

How are you? I was reading up on Flick tonight. He sounds good. I miss you girl. How is homelife, children?

I'm doing good for the most part. Have my moments, but that's what they are.... I still love the SOB, and want him to come home, but I don't think about him nearly as often or get that deep deep pain.

Yesterday was just one of those sad days, and I curled up on my bed, cried and asked G-d to hold me. I went to sleep and woke up this morning seemingly better.

Thanks for stopping by... Johnstwin told me you were talking about coming to the PNW. I vote yeah and will move heaven and earth to meet you..

Queenie my love, life is better than I thought possible for the most part.
Homelife is ok, the house is a mess, I cant seem to keep it tidy at the moment, everytime I get close something happens.....right now we have xmas stuff every where. DD12 is great, a bit annoying at the moment, she is obssesing (part of her disability) and its wearing me down a bit. The farm is ok, made hay today. Also backed the tractor into the electric fence :RollieEyes: but DH came and fixed it while I was doing the hay thing

I know that love thing, sometimes you could just about wish it didnt happen but I think that its better this way. I know I (and you) are good people that we can find love for someone who did such a [censored] thing. You are good people Queenie

I am so looking forward to coming over, I am gonna meet some MBers and I will be having a holiday with Flick overseas for the first time since we first started having problems. I worked out it will be just after my d-day anti-versary so i think it will be a good thing for me think on if it is a bad trigger day

Guess what's workin'?

:happyhanukkah:

Shabbat Shalom, Queenie.

Hi!! I am sorry that you had a bad day yesterday.
I had a bad day yesterday too. I woke up crying b/c I was dreaming with my dad. I saw him walking down a road....as he was walking towards me he asked "Have you and your H reconcile? and I told him "Dad, didn't I told you it was going to take time? He said "ooohhh yeah"....then I starred at him and said...."You have no idea what your support means to me Dad....I love you"....I do not know what this means or if it means anything at all.
I woke up crying....and cried all day. By the way, my Dad died in Dec. of 2001, after receiving Jesus as his savior. Praise God.
I am praying that your H will come home... do not give up hope!!

Angie.

Hi Queenie,


QUEENIE

I am so sorry Queenie. If that's how it is...that's how it is. Hang in there.

If we can learn to get 'through' the pain, we can learn to come out on the other side quicker and healthier... the pain hurts, yes, yet it won't kill us... and then, we are continually faced with the question: where to go from here? ....asked to look around and ask ourselves: How CAN I take care of MYSELF, now?

I don't see anything wrong with loving a WS...as long as we can also love OURSELVES enough to know that it would be harmful to be in contact with WS given current state of mind...someone who doesn't really care enough about himself...can't be expected to love or care about anyone else now can they? ...and certainly cannot be counted on for much help...

...and so, forced to learn to COUNT on ourselves!

....at least that's how I see it now...and have still lots to learn.

Shabbat Shalom Mark, :happyhanukkah: This is SO COOL... thank you to the moderators for getting this fixed. I am very humbled that you would do this.. I know it's not just for me, but I sure am appreciative.

Hey Angie, I'm so sorry you are troubled lately. One day at a time, sweets... But go to bed earlier, take a nap during the day or wake up late helps make those days go away faster. I did a lot of them in the beginning.

NO KIDDING.... They are SICK, DANGEROUS, and ICKY!!!!!!

This week's torah portion is on Jacob's ladder. Or staircase as the rabbi mentioned. She did an unusual sermon this week in that she had us meditate as she took us through his journey, but had us imagine it as ours. OK, I was balling my heart out by the end.

It touched me in a way I simply can't explain. Mark, is there some correlation or tie to this torah portion and Psalm 23?

Luna, you are so RIGHT..... we are learning to count on ourselves and doing a darn good job of it.

Queenie,

To me the lesson of Jacob's ladder is that God was there, where he least expected it during his time of trouble. He feared for his life and was alone in the wilderness wondering what would happen when he met his brother only to discover that he wasn't really alone at all, but God was right there with him.

"God was in this place and I did not know."

Q: Where is God when we go through trouble?
A: He's right there with us walking through the valley and experiencing our pain right along with us while at the same time planning a feast at His table when we get through to the other side of our problem. He doesn't just point the way for us but holds our hand as we walk through trouble.

Mark

Just like G-d has been right along with me this whole time. From the moment I got in the car when WH said he wasn't coming home. I instinctively, before I even crawled into the halls of AA, but asked G-d are you there and he responded. "I'm right here B".

It saved my life and helped me walk through those first days. I just kept asking, G-d are you there? And his reply.... "I'm right here". I will NEVER forget those moments and that time.

How truly grateful I am for this to be true, because when the other side does happen, he can be there and rejoice with US for his accomplishments and plans seeing fruition.

Thank you so much Mark,

Thinking of you....