2Much, I thought he moved out???

My suggestion would be to change the locks and then leave the letter for him where you know he will be.

Yes, I thought he had moved out too but he stayed on Saturday night and then told me late last night that he would not be coming home and he would sleep in the car if he had to.

I know where he works 4 days a week so I could send the letter there or to his dads house where he goes on a Wednesday to teach. Ot, send it via email?

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a slang term from the 1950's but is the perfect word to describe one tactic of the abuser. The dictionary definition of gaslighting is to drive someone crazy. This is used to keep the abuser's victim under control. The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity. Be alert to gaslighting tactics that can beat you down and make you think you are going insane.

There was a movie made in 1944 called "Gaslight."

Charlotte

Thanks Charlotte. Is this the same as him asking me to go to Singapore before getting in the car to go and see the OW?

I feel like I cash his 1 million dollar cheques with credit only realising later that there's a decimal point at the beginning - it's a 1 cent cheque afterall.

2Much, Charlotte is correct. Gaslighting is persistent denial of FACTS and the turning of the tables to make you believe you are NUTS. Some of the crueler waywards would rather make their BS think they are insane, insecure or unstable than admit the truth. That is gaslighting.

Yep - that's my WH.

I'm just about to call the intermediary that I discussed with my family. I'm nervous, I saw the thread on intermediaries and thank you for your time and effort.

I've printed a copy for Yvonne so now I hope she agrees and can stay firm etc.

Here goes

Does the letter have to be so harsh?

A colleague of mine who has been through a sep with his wife (9 years ago) thought it sounded like poking sticks at him and will make it worse. Thinks I shouldn't use the word affair etc.

It's confusing.

2much, your friend is wrong about the use of the word AFFAIR. You are supposed to call it what it is. We don't need to start bastardizing the English language to make your H feel better about being bad. That is dysfunctional.

The letter I wrote is not harsh. Your's was overly sentimental and coddling, IMO. The goal is to be firm and LOVING and straightforward.

Even so, it is your letter to write and if your friend has more experience at this, I would defer to her.

Y is not available to be the IM. Said she is too busy with work up until Christmas.

She has suggested someone else through church but I don't think she will be impartial or strong enough to filter.

I'm stumped and don't know who to ask now.

Could a friend interstate do it for me through phone and email?

She knows him and has heard his outbursts etc but she's in Sydney.

I'll give her a call and see how I go.

---------- update

She'll do it, yay. She is an awesome girl who will be right there with the MB way. Will send her the info and chat tonight.

I can finish my letter!

ML - I got your reply as I posted this.

I see what you mean about the word. I don't think anymore harm can come from using the word affair in the letter. It will be what it will be.

I was going to say that there is not much love from me in the letter in your version.

Could I put this para back in:-
"I ask you to respect my dicision to separate from you in this way. I could hold on, and continue to make a nuisance of myself, but I love you too much to cause you anymore pain than I already have."

Too much?

---------

Friend does not have more experience. I will only take the MB experience in this.

2Much, does your collegue think that Dr. Harley, a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience in adultery is "too harsh" in his sample Plan B letter in Surviving an Affair?:



if your collegue has more experience than Dr Harley, I would ask him/her to write the letter for you.

I agree with you, and Dr Harley. I think I just keep looking for that soft plan A option so that I don't risk losing him forever.

Thanks ML for your committment to help me do the right thing.

Don't sugar coat the truth.

That paragraph is not LOVING but is inappropriately self effacing and conveys that you have been causing him pain and are a nuisance. He KNOWS you love him, 2Much, you said this in your opening and ending paragraph. He does not doubt this. Nor does putting yourself down for no apparent reason convey LOVE, it conveys FEAR.

It is a SELF EFFACING paragraph that serves no purpose and warps reality. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. You are going into Plan B because he is ABUSING YOU, so it makes no sense to say I am sorry for causing you pain to someone who is actively abusing YOU.

Now that was crystal clear - thanks ML.

I'm learning

ok, lets be logical here. Has saying some soft, cute, rosy words kept him around? ummmmmmmmmm no.

He moved out.

He is not leaving because your words were not cute or soft enough. He is leaving to pursue his filthy affair. You may be motivated by soft words, but your H IS NOT.

Nor was Plan A ever meant to be "soft." It is not the egg shell plan, girl!

You're so right

I don't want to walk on egg shells in my marriage ever again.

ML, I'm about to duck for cover, but can I put a Christmas photo with the letter? He took one of the 4 for us in front of the tree yesterday. I wonder if it would help or hinder?

I have a great intermediary with T. She has been a friend for nearly 20 years (wow) and we were in high school together.

She has been a lawyer and a finance expert and a musician and can completely handle WH. She also went through an abusive relationship and did a similar kind of plan b (not strictly MB) and her H came back better than ever.

She knows I want this to work and knows the costs of now and before and what it will take to keep the info from me. She also knows he's an actor and will be super in-tune to his lies.

I am going to finish the letter. I think WH will want to see the kids in the next day or so and I am thinking I will wait and hand the letter to him them? He is avoiding me at the moment so I am not really able to plan A.

What should I do?

Brilliant IM appointed - YES
Alarm code changed - YES
Finances - YES, separate accounts and I still have his money
Letter finalised - YES

Locks changed - NO, but they will be at 3:30pm

Letter emailed - NO, I'm patiently waiting for the locks

2 questions to complete this please...

1. Should I do another round of exposure with her parents whom she lives with? Her dad is dying of cancer so her mum wouldn't be happy, but I can't imagine they'd approve of this relationship with their 19 year old daughter and my 38 year old WH. They entertain him at their house and I can only imagine what he has told them.

2. Do I need to mention that the alarm code and locks have been changed in the letter? It seems like fuel in the fire and I wonder if I should just leave it out. I asked for no contact, so, should I need to tell him?

Almost there, I long for the darkness after this mornings text messages from my darling H...

heck yes!! Tell them your H is having an adulterous affair with your H and you and your H have now split over this. Ask them to persuade their DD to STOP her adultery with a married man. But you MUST stop using your waywards definition of "friendship." You cant be saying that.


Nope, just make sure you have in there that he is not to come in the house.

Good job!!