Hello all: Very difficult to seek advice but from previewing the posts I can see the heartfelt respsones and advice and hope to get some of the same. I have posted below an email I sent to my therpaist who met with for the first time last week, this summairzed my marriage about 12 days after I found out which was 11/6. Currently, we both agreed conversations were goign nowhere and we should have time alone, I am staying in our house she is at our friends. I have recently read HNHN and just ordered SAA 10 min ago. Before siging on a swore I needed to implement plan b, now am rethinking. I told her two nights ago we need a total separation. We are suppose to talk this weekend, today or tommorow. The day after I confronted her she indicated she spoke with OM and indicated they must stop for so many reasons, he is married with 2 kids, they work together in rather high profile positions (each make 6 figures). she told me that day she does love hi, but in a strange way. Two nights ago I told her obviously it isnt over, she recently went out of town wit hcoworkers and him for several days, beofre that she stayed at ahotel two nights, texting me and also texting him and calling him next day. I have expressed my love, desire to fill her unmet needs and she mine, she refuses cou;ples counseling, and is seeking a therpais in two weeks but perhaps sooner if something opens up. She says she loves me (also the "not sure we're in love) and that I keep pressuring her for an answer. She said if she had to give an answer she does not think it will work, to many bad times (we did have quite a few) but way more good. Since I told her family all the torrid details she said that has added layers and is pushing her awy further. She even indicated if I approached his family she would leave me, and since my friend in law enforcement knows and is our best friend she said she would wreck his marriage with things she knows. where do I go from here? Everyone that knows she will 100% divorce me if I tell his wife, I love her so much, realize I have been enabling and protecting her but I am very scared they be right and I lose her for good. Here is the email:

I am looking for the best possible course of action, and am willing to consult with you privately if you still maintain a private practice. We have reached a point where divorce/reconciliation are on the table. Key issue we both agree on is a total lack of communication, most likely there since the beginning, dating 3 years and married for six this 23rd. Infidelity on her part (drunk moment of weakness( i was acutally there, and admitted I had her friend come on to me twice kept future contact with individual hidden) about a year and a hlaf ago. She freely admitted to this, indicated it was over. I hacked email, he portrayed a different story to her, "looking forward to seeing her again" etc. Most recently, I had suspicions of infidelity over the last few weeks, purchased software tracking and became aware of affair with a coworker, been a little over a month. Appears and from her words that shared a similar connection (boring, dull lives, unmet needs in their marriages). She indicated it is over for numerous reasons (pain she caused me, fear of losing job, family/friends on both sides). Asked if she still loves him, she said in a "yes, but in a different and weird way".

I compounded the problem by not having anyone to talk to, I approached her family who places her on a pedestal (beautiful, intelligent, successfully, athletic) and they placed extreme conditional love on their children. I admitted everything she did to her mother, who she already has a tumultuous relationship with. She resents me very much for doing so, citing my need for punishment to her ( probably right), and she places such a high value on how people perceive her she is disgusted I placed such a strong emphasis on this affair that I muted the root causes: our now poor relationship based on the unmet needs below. At this juncture without further detail she acknowledged the affair, apologized, expressed her embarrassment and shame, and regret for the pain she has caused me and wishes she could do something to make it go away. She says she loves me and knows I lover her, not sure if we are in love. She does not wish to engage in couples counseling but first feels she needs help in identifying who she is first and what her needs our. IN reading your book so far I am very frightened in potential outcomes and want to ensure she gets the best possible hope and realizes this is worth fighting for, or at least provide her with clarity to make the best possible decision for her, which I beleive resides in recommiting ourselves to each other.

I would value your insight greatly into this matter. We have talked more in the past 10 days than we have in 9 years. We are living together in the same house since I confronted her about 9 days ago (few hotel nights for her and friends house once). We are in separate bedrooms but are cordial yest awkward.

Her viewpoints:
no communication ( I agree)
no romance,passion, intimacy (maybe never existed, acording to her. I disagree and say rebuild/build)
I can never trust her again (don't beleive that)
forgiveness (she can not forgive herself, and thinks my forgiveness is worthless until she reconciels that)

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you have found us.

Plan A is your starting point, where you show her what a great husband you can be. It also includes exposing the affair to her job and to the other man's wife. That is your best bet to end the affair.

i see that as the common next step, however she is not in my house so how can I show her this, I have told her repeatedly I will do everything in my power to meet her needs, and as far as the communication we both acknowledged we have spoken more in the past few weeks (truly speaking and listening) than in 9 years.

As for exposing, folks in my circle know her very well, and beyond her own words of me telling her family put up a huge barrier, they all think she will leave me for good and she has echoed similar. She is is very strong willed and resilient, I fearfully do not doubt them or her. Still think that is the best route, and if so do I tell her I am planning to do this, or just do iT? Any recommendations as to discussing with hr, how do they approach this with employees, and when she finds out and confronts me do I admit it was me?

Everyone thinks that exposure would be the end of the marriage. But that is the best way to end the affair.

Just do it, without warning your wife. She will be very angry, but your marriage can survive anger better than an affair.

i hear you, again though I can't meet her needs right now because we are not talking since thursday and my last convo was we need a complete and total separation, how do I backtrack from that and again solve meeting her needs when she is not in the house?

No time to write more, expose OMW, and human resources at work.

WW must have NC with the OM for the affair to end and lose her feelings for him.

Expose now without warning.

It's like this: Affairs thrive on secrecy. Yes, that means that you have ALREADY lost if you keep this from OM's wife.

Affairs like fantasy. The antidote is reality. Expose to every relevant contact and especially her workplace. Use the guide letters and suggestions in the first four posts of this forum.

Please understand that what you are experiencing is a well worn script that WW use. Threats and bluster are routine. Trust us, these are the least of the atrocities that will take place.

Contact the Harley's for immediate and personal advice if you want to fast track solid professional direction.

Meanwhile, read, read and read the articles. Click on "articles".

Any questions... we are here 24/7!

Just write a letter to HR and let them know about the affair. Tell them that this affair is breaking up two families. Ask them what they plan to do.

Tough to put faith in strangers, but as of right now I plan to call OMW at her office on Monday, unsure where to start. I spoke with WW tonight after listenign to people on here clearly I skipped a few steps and went right to plan b. Whoops. she is coming over tommorow to get some clothes. I explained again my love for her, she said she loves me too and sa you would suspect was very bitter and angry when I said I will do anything to meet your needs and a wonderful and fufilling marriage. Again, she said all this existed prior to the A and that was a symptom of the underlying problem, "couldnt talk to you because we didn't talk". Also added that adding the whole fmaily and friends issues "I" brought up. Again, she said there is no way I am leaving this job. I asked if the affair is over, 20 second pause followed by we are still talkig, and talking about what is going on. I didnt bring up anything. She did admit that I may be right that she is clouded in her judgemet because of the situation and did not see it that way. Again, professe my deep love for her and tell her everything I am doing is from the heart and is only to provide us with the best possible life, which is together. She said I love you, and again into the issues. Told her goodnight, love u, she said same and we will see each other tommorow. Also, tommorow I am telling the husband of her best friend whose house she is staying in, he only knows we are separated but doesnt know of the affiar. Her friend is a great girl and very supportive, but I think has been very envious of my WW's success and life, and somehow lives her life through her in many ways. She even had the gall to say I f'd up by telling her family because of the tenous relationship WW has with her mother.

As for work, still not sure how to approach, why not a phone call to HR? They are under the same mgmt team, my WW three levels below a director and OM 2. Thinking I should inform this person as well as I have spoken to him at functions. Again, some clarity on what I would say to him would be very helpful. Thanks again folks.

For work - expose via email and/or letter to his boss, her boss, VP of HR and President of company. That should cover all the bases. Again, no warning or notice to WW. Send the email tonight. Call the OMW at home now, not Monday.

I have contacted the harleys for an inital one on one. I am having dinner with my W tonight. We are 3 weeks in, I am making one last ditch effort to see if she will at least agree to be on one call to hear their story. If not, I see my therapist tommorow and will advise of my intent to do the above.

Your goal for Monday is to complete a full exposure. WW's family, OMW, and at work.

I invited her to dinner tonight and she came over. Went well for about 30 minutes (well, as well as it could be given the circumstances). Most of what she said involved me telling her different thinks over the past 3 weeks saying I am confused as she is. I told her at one point yes I was unhappy, but not to the degree she was. She is now saying that I keep flip flopping. I made several blunders tonight, though I keep expressing everything I am doing is out of love, and I only want us to work through this. I made the mistake of telling her that the firend she is staying with is bad news for her, and seeing the therpaist this gal went to scares me. She responded by saying MB's its all data just like everything else, skewed to the hosts perpesctive to getyour buy in to counselling $, or books $. Can't disagree there. Biggest blunder was bringing up the A, and that she has to stop all C with OM or we stand no chance. She said it sounded like I was threatining, and we were done talking. I persisted for an additional 20 and kept going over that they are destroying this marriage, and OM's by his refusla to tell OMW, and by not communicating at work. She said they report in the same group, and that was not possible, she wold never leave this job, especially now, and how dare I say he should.

Since I have nothing but LB's building up here why on earth would I contact OMW and employer tomorrow without first consulting the Harleys?

Well - the Harley's are going to tell you to expose fast and to everyone. Especially the OMW and employer. Read the articles here, written by the Harley's. Expose now. Everything your WW says right now can be considered a lie - she is in the midst of wayward fogbabble.

Be strong and get it done. Exposure is the best tool in your arsenal to end the A.

noclue2, you are now in the middle of a war, and the person you considered to be your closest ally, your W (now your WW), is actively working AGAINST you and the M.

You need to (1) have a proper plan, and (2) execute it.

Do not try to "reason" with your WW. She's a WW... immune to reason. Begging, pleading, expressing love, etc. will not work and will lead her to have even less respect for you.

Giving in to her intimidating comments about there being no chance for your M if you expose to the OMW will also cause her to lose respect for you.

And guess what - women don't like Hs that they can't respect!

If it helps, look at the situation this way: Your last M basically ended when your WW decided to commit adultery. So in the face of that, threats of "ending it" if you expose are basically empty threats - the worst of the damage has already been done.

So, expose as suggested here by others. If you want to recover your M, make sure that your exposure is done with this in mind, and the targets of your exposure understand your position, otherwise it will look like jealousy and vindictiveness in your part.

Also, it's difficult, but not impossible, to "Plan A" while your WW is living elsewhere. I suggesting mentioning that you'd welcome her home, but don't push the subject as it will come across as begging and pleading, and you don't want that.

Exposing is not LB'ing.

The letter/email to WW's HR should it make any mention to my intent to repair my marriage? The only one I saw on here seemed rather cold and vindictive in nature.

You are best to be cold. Just state the facts. Nothing gained by being emotional. You can be cold without being vindictive.

KEY POINTS: Employees WW and OM are having an affair.
If they are using company phones, texting, IM's, emails, having affair on company time, on business trips.

I met with my therapist today who was dead set against this approach. He indicated a few couples have tried this very thing and have been met with disastrous results. Right now she is getting only negative feedback from me (dinner didnt go well, we argued, I in her words "threatened her by exposing"). her job right now is the only thing giving her positives. If I am realistic why would she not see this as vindiciative despite me telling her I do not beleive we have a chance if she does not break off any contact with this person. Rational thinking would suggest one wouldn't be to happy trying to find a 100k job in this economy, and destroying the same for OM would do similar.

Since she is not living here now, we have ended every conversation in pain even though my last words are I love you, I just do not see how this helps. Especially when she thinks I am building people to side with me, whch is not the case. I will agree though, right now the only enjoyment she is getting is talking to him as in her words "i feel he is the only one who can understand what I am going through". Very tough to decide between this and some form of segregated separation.

The Harley's and other experts say's it works.

I've seen it work countless times here on MB.