I am looking for a little advice. I have been lurking for several months and thought things were getting better, but now I am not so sure.

Here is my story. On August 22, 2008, I discovered that my wife of 12 years was having an affair that started on July 2, 2008. She confessed and asked for forgiveness. We started to work on our marriage, counseling and started on MB priciples. A few weeks into it, I caught her with a cell phone he had given her and she moved in with her parents for approximately four weeks. She then moved back in ready to work on our marriage again. Two weeks later, I found out she had contacted him and then two days later, I caught them meeting for lunch.

She said she didn't know why she could not stay away. She can't explain her feelings for him. Anyway, she called him from my phone and told him that it was over. She then sent the NC letter and established NC on October 28, 2008. As best I can tell, it is still in place. I have access to phone records, email and a gps on her car.

Her 30th birthday is coming up and she is freaked out. I found out yesterday that the OM's birthday was last week and that she had bought him some birthday cards. She claims she never sent them, that she threw them away. She says she just a weak moment. I am not sure what to believe.

She spent two to three weeks in serious withdrawal and the last week she has seemed much better and things seemed to be improving. She was becoming more affectionate and we had started to discuss long term plans again. Tonight, I confronted her about the birthday cards and asked if she had contact with him. She says she has not. She says that she loves me and wants our marriage to work, but she feels that she has done too much damage. She says that she knows she is messing up, but she still has feelings for him and she can't figure this out.

She feels that I will never be able to let it go. She might be right. She claims that it is not a sexual relationship and has offered to take a polygraph to prove it. She knows that this will be important to me, because she made it very important over the time of our relationship.

So, my question is, are her feelings normal at this stage? I want to feel like that there is no way she could leave a 15 year relationship for a guy she met several months ago, but I also thought we would be farther along than we are.

Please help!!!

CWA,

Sounds right on schedule to me...

Seriously, withdrawal can take as long as 6 months to get through. Six weeks is about how long it takes most to begin to function normally in the marrriage and 3 weeks is when the fog has small breaks in it that allow reality to peek through for moments at a time.

If you both keep working the MB plan and do what needs to be done as far as determining what each of you contributed to the marriage that made the affair possible (not caused it, just made it a possibility) you should be in really good sghape in a couple of years. It really does take that long in most cases.

Bad spells can be 6 months into recovery and the one year annivesaries of discovery and a whole bunch of stuff related to that.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry to see you here for the reason you are, but at least this is a the right place under the circumstances.

Mark

First, it was a sexual affair. Secret cell phones? Continued contact after being busted? Yeah, there was sex, probably unprotected, and plenty of it.

If it wasn't sexual, then why wouldn't you ever be able to "let it go"?

She's telling herself that the damage is already done, and that things are broken beyond repair in order to justify continued contact with OM. The marriage is already finished...why not bang OM, right?

She must quit going to the gym. I hope she has.

Also check to be certain that the other man IS divorced and not hiding a wife somewhere. If that were the case, you would need to notify his wife.

Check out the emotional needs questionnaire here and see if you can identify her top needs and start meeting them.

And by 15 hours a week doing fun things - I mean going out on dates together without the kids.

She hasn't been to the gym since I discovered the affair.

He is divorced, that has been confirmed.

A few dates, lunch together and movies.

Can't tell if it is helping.

Is there anything she complained about before the affair? If so, work on that.

How was the marriage before the affair?

She says it was fine. Claims it has nothing to do with me.

That it is something she is going through.

I am lost right now.

Well, time to get unlost.

The OM was meeting some kind of emotional need - maybe conversation, admiration, SOMETHING.

You need to figure it out and meet that need for her.

I know you will ignore this advice because it takes a tremendous amount of self respect( that most BS's fail to exhibit) to arrange and carry out her offered lie detector test. It makes so much sense for EVERY BS to demand this test both for getting the ENTIRE truth and also so that the enormous energy WS's waste on hiding their fantasy lies is instead channeled toward repairing their M.

Get it out of the way NOW. Just like the futility of M counseling while the WS is still in an active A, it is just as fruitless to try to repair the foundation of your M when one person uses styrofoam bricks.

Best of luck.

The test has been scheduled.

I guess we will see when she cracks. I can't imagine her taking this all the way to end.

Things seem better after the other night. I know my blow up over the b-day cards set us back. Oh well, I am still stuggling with controlling my anger about this sometimes. This trickle truth is wearing me out.

Stand firm. Usually the truth comes trickling a little faster right before the polygraph.

As an update, the polygraph is scheduled for tomorrow at 11:30 am. When I reminded her today, she freaked, saying she did not believe that I would make her do it and it is so humiliating.

I calmly told her I needed it for me and that if she was willing to work on our marriage, she could do this one thing for me. Things escalated and I eventually had an angry outburst. She said she did not have to deal with the accusations. On the way out, she said she would take the test.

She went to stay with her mom, saying she just wanted us to cool down and that she would be back. I know she is with her mom because she called me.

Anyway, we spoke later and she is back to saying she feels she just needs time to sort through this. That she wants to be married to me, but she feels controlled right now and that it feels that I am always trying to catch her doing something.

She said feels like saying they slept together so I will drop it.

I guess I have my answer. Now, if I could just find out if she has broken NC.

In other words, contact with OM persists.


"Don't do anything which will mean my affair really is over"


It will require time and no contact with OM for the rest of eternity. She is freaked out by the reality of having no more contact with OM ever. My wayward, adulterous wife is exactly the same. She went ballistic just yesterday when she found out I had her passwords and had read all the emails between her and OM.


Well, if she wasn't doing anything you would find objectionable and she actually wanted you to trust her then she would have no problem in being completely transparent.

I really do feel for you as all of this seems painfully familiar to me.

by humiliating, I think she is refering specifically to the sexual questions.

I can't imagine how she is contacting him. I have access to phone records, her email and I know where she is 99.9% of the time. I search constantly for a hidden phone, but cannnot find one. She has had one before, so it is plausible that she hides it better than I search.

I don't know what the next step is. Things seem great, but I have a pretty uneasy feeling.

She is starting to repeat herself about being controlled and needing freedom. We are about 5 weeks out form the most recent attempt at NC, so maybe it is still part of withdrawal.

Yes, part of withdrawal, a reluctance to face the real consequences of her actions, and knowing that her own word can't be trusted. She probably doesn't even trust herself.

Anyway, if she has genuinely commited to NC then give her lots of support and reassurance. Don't condemn her - be gentle.

I find my own W is most open with me when I am relaxed, nonchalant and even indifferent. In other words - whatever makesher feel safe.

The test is still scheduled. Last night she said she would take it But, she did say she that if it gave a false reading, I would believe it over her. I just can't believe she is sticking with this story. I don't think she will show up in time for the test.

Anyway, she is now saying that she feels like she needs time to miss me, to miss what we have. Part of me wants to give it to her, but more of me feels like it is her way to get free to go see him.

I have not gone to a Plan B, she has sent the NC letter after 3 breaks in NC and seems to be sticking to it. We are 5.5 weeks after supposed last contact, things will seem good for 4/5 days and then we have a setback and she starts talking about feeling controlled.

The only time I think she could be contacting him is with a secret cell phone while she is in the bath at night. I am not sure how to check that yet.

My WH behaved exactly as yours is doing, with continued contact the whole time. I didn't think mine would walk away from a 35 year M for someone he met in a bar, but he did. So don't get too confident. She needs to be totally open and transparent with you. I would also suggest using the Harleys. If she is serious about R, then she will agree. My WH wouldn't - thought it was hogwash.

I know, I get the feeling that she is still talking to him. I just don't know hot to prove it. She says she feels smothered by me.

I have thought about going to see the OM to see if she has made contact, but I am not sure that would be a good idea.

You can only do so much. There could be any number of ways for contact if she really wanted to. Secret cell phones, yahoo or hotmail accounts, through other people. They just get more creative. She is still very foggy though. They all use that whole "smothered" bit, time away, time for themselves, blah blah blah.....

I'm not saying that she has had contact, but if she isn't totally willing to be open and transparent, then there is still a chance.

Just keep doing your Plan A, meeting needs and showing her that you the better alternative. Try not to LB. I know it is hard, but you will be glad that you didn't.

I would say that she is being transparent. But, she knows I see the cell phone records, the home phone records, her email and she knows that there is a GPS on her car (thanks MIL).

This only seems to pop up after an angry outburst from me. I could feel her tension yesterday and then we had our falling out last night.

Last time we talked, she said she would be home today and that everything would be okay after we had time to sleep and relax. That is was just a bad day.

I know that the AO's make her want to stay away, but her refusal to address the adultery at all makes it tough to stay in control.

As long as I Plan A and do not mention it all, things go well.