Hello:
I am new here so please pardon in advance for my lack of awareness of the entire rules. I will read through all of them later.
Quick and very short version about me. My husband of 4 years is in 2nd year of law school. We are broke as heck and are both stress out about a lot of things. We've been having marital problems. You name it, we have it! From money, chores, parenting, communicating, trust etc.. This only is a short version of the problems. Oh yea..sex life is bad too. We have sex 2-3 times a month. I asked him about this and tried to talk to him. His reasoning is--this type of things happens to couple with a toddler in the house. Whatever. This is another topic that needs to be discuss but it will take an eternity to explain the whole thing.

I want to talk about what happened tonight. Tonight, we were attempting to communicate about our financial situations. We are almost out of money and we're waiting for the student loan to come. Meanwhile, things are tough!

We were basically having a discussion about our situation. I expressed my frustration about being poor all the time. He expressed his frustration about me not seeing that we don't have any money. I told him I completely do see and well aware that there's no money. I guess I have to show my awareness? Nonetheless, it's frustrating to live off 8K for 6 months.

Then, somehow the conversation moved on to something more serious. I started making comments on how I think him going to law school is mainly to fullfill HIS dreams. He responded by saying... that he's doing it for all of us--have to a better future etc...

We have a 2 year old (very active) son. I am a stay at home mom. My husband commented on how he thinks I don't have a GOAL and that is why I get frustrated and depressed at home. I don't know what he means by this. He also added by telling me to stop "camping out" here. Just because I am not in law school and I am currently not doing anything to persue a career, it doesn't mean I am camping out. He later explained that he didn't mean those words to be mean and hurtful. But it did hurt me. I told him that I might not be in law school or chasing a career at the moment but I am doing the most rewarding thing to do which is to be here for my son. MY GOAL is to give our two year old an undivided attention, be the best mom as possible, focus on raising him and put my career plan for a while. And for the record, I had a full time career as a mortgage consultant and a real estate agent before we had our son and before we moved from CA to Alabama so that he can go to law school.

And I even paid off our car, credit cards bill to make it possible for him to attend law school. I came from a very poor family and I managed to work my way up here....So yes, I have done well for myself. Someone who had been dealt a crappy cards to begin with. I came from a third world country, could barely speak/write English when I first came here 10 years ago. I came from a family who plants their own food. Dad was a farmer and we had no electricty. My point is, I came from the bottom. I have not been camping out at all. Just because my career move is on hold right now, doesn't mean I am camping out. I promise myself to be there for my son. He is only going to be this age for very short period amount of time. I chosed to be here and stay home with him. MY goal is to NOT divide my time doing something else.

My husband explained his reasoning why he said those things. He said he wanted to send a message to tell me to stop getting angry, frustrated, mad, about our situation. He wants me to suffer with him and NOT against him. Well, be that as it may, but I still think his words are hurtful. I feel like a pothead/weed smoker camping in my parents garage waiting for a hand out everyday. That's not the case at all. I am raising a 2 year old and taking care of the house while he spends 90% of the time ignoring us because he has to study. He said he used those words as a "metaphor" only because he thinks I should be doing something else to distract myself from this hardship and his suggestion is for me to have a GOAL!

Hope what I wrote made sense.We've been having problems for months now. Most of them started when he begun law school. This stuff that I am writing here tonight is NOTHING compare to most of the stuff that had happened in the past. We have major problems and I just hope that we can work through it. Oh yea.. I suggested marriage counseling but he's too busy to attend. Plus, we don't have the insurance and money to pay.

I guess my question is...After months and months of having problems, and sometimes the feeling of desperation gets worse to a point that you want out, can the marriage be salvage? Anyone else going through this? And should I just take those comments and cry myself to sleep with it again? Considering that this one is relatively minor compare to our "usual" fight I guess I'll brush it off? Last but not least, am I camping out?

Thanks a lot in advance!

Oh by the way, I am 28 and he's 29.

I think it serves no purpose to complain about lack of money when it was you who made the choice to not earn any.

You could easily be the hero here. Be creative. I'm also a SAHM, and while my H makes good money, it's spotty. Being strong during trying times and being able to look at your husband and say, "Don't worry about it, I've got it handled" will go a long, long way to protecting your future.

It is easy to fall into the trap of being jealous of a partner who is 'making something of themself' while you (we) are home with spit-up in our hair, and I think that's where your comment of 'chasing HIS dreams' comes from. Be honest with yourself. Heck, at times I've been jealous of my H's COMMUTE. Oh, to have an hour alone in the car, to sing along with the radio, or actually be able to HEAR Clark Howard...sigh. Get over it! Okay, feel it for a second if you must, but then remember all that YOU are contributing, look at all the blessings YOU have.

And admit it, his saying you were 'camping out' hurt because you see the truth in it. You quit working and then complain about lack of money. C'mon, you're smarter than that. There's a solution, but you'd rather complain than act. There are some months where my H brings home $400. For a family of six! He used to worry about it, but he doesn't anymore because he knows I can handle it. He knows that I stash cash when it's flowing, and when the flow stops, I like the challenge of seeing how long I can stretch what is there before tapping into the stash. We're both very proud of that.

You can do this. Money is one of the biggest marital problems, and it's also one of the easiest to solve.

Was it your goal or a marital goal for you to be the SAHP?
We don't have a ton of money (not like your situation), but we before we were engaged, we discussed being a SAHP family. We're fairly close to living the lifestyle, even though that means that I don't get to be the SAHP (which is what I originally wanted.) I could insist on being the SAHP, but then our household income would be less than yours.

How close to three is your 2 year old? What you see as the benefits to giving your child undivided attention? Why are your parenting needs more important than the needs of your family in total? How does your husband feel about all of this?

When's the last time you talked to your husband about something other than money or your child?

ETA:
Perhaps it might help you, right now, to remember why you married your husband in the first place. You must have seen something good in him.

And, you could probably find a counselor for free or low cost. The school I went to had student services for such things. After that was done, I found a counselor and made payments. I was only supporting myself in graduate school, however I made 10K a year (and paid for tuition in cash, no loans), and had a therapist that was willing to let me make payments at a level I could afford. Yes, it took me a few years to pay off my therapist's bill. But it was worth it.

Cawemakeit- for clarification, I was not ONLY MY choice to stay home. It was both of ours. Actually, I HAD to stay home. When we moved from CA to here AL, husband and I had no choice. Both of our income disappeared. He can't work due to him in school neither can I. Daycare is about 800 a month here. If I work and put my infant (then) on daycare it would not be ideal. My husband would suffer too because that means he will have to help out more on our son while he could be spending time studying. PLUS, putting my child on daycare and let someone else raise him is NOT my style. He is only little for a few years and this time is very vital for me to be there. And my husband and I both agreed on this. Just my opinion.

Now, HE explained to me why he thinks I am camping out. He also hears me complain about our situation. Darn, right I have every rght to feel unhappy about this and sometimes complain. And yes, I sometimes get jealous that he's in law school. I always wanted to be a lawyer since I was a kid. And we even had this discussion that once he finishes and our son is in school, it will be my turn. I am going to go also and with his help, I can I know be successful. I asked him to be specific, what goal does he have in mind he he said those things last night. He told me to basically have something that will occupy and distract me from all this hardship so that I don't sit at home getting all depress. He can't even tell me what goal that he have in mind.

Inrecovery- What is the benifits from giving my child undevided attention? Well, I am sure tons of good parents can tell you this and majority of society will agree with me on this. Undivided attention for your small children is somewhat vital. It's not in my nature to do it ALL--being a mom and a career person. I can only do one at a time to be the best at it.

You have to ask what's my goal for being a stay at home mom? Wow, if you have to ask this then, I really don't see and expect you'd understand my explanation.My husband and I both agreed that it will be best for our children to have their mom around up until they are old enough to be in school. There's a lot of dysfuntional family nowdays and children growing up without having their parent's full attention. They are being shove in the daycare from infant. That's not my style. Being a stay home mom is a JOB. We're just not earning salary. So in conclusion, this is not just MY parenting needs. This is what we agreed on and I even asked my husband if it'll be duable if I can get a partime job. Answer is no, it will not benifit anyone except it will only take my time from my son and having my husband do MORE instead of spending that time studying.

I'm right there with you on not wanting to put your kid in daycare. I have been so where you are right now, and I want to help you through this.

How much more money would it take right now for you to not be stressed over money? I'm not talking about having the money for monthly massages and weekly pedicures--right now ALL unnecessary spending must be cut. That means cable, phones, name brand groceries, you name it: anything you can do without or can be had cheaper must be done without (or bought cheaper!).

Write this stuff out. How much goes to rent, utilities, cars, groceries, etc. and add it all up. Don't have enough money to pay for the month's expenses? Then you should take a hard look at your expenses and see what you can cut. Still short? How much short? Brainstorm ways to make up the difference. Maybe you could take on a part-time weekend job. Or do a bit of babysitting for others. Set up an Ebay shop to sell your son's outgrown clothes, or crafts you make, or textbooks your h no longer needs. Pick a topic to blog about and put adsense on the page. Do you know that I answer surveys in exchange for magazine subscriptions? I don't have to, we can afford magazines, but I'm cheap and if I can get them in exchange for a few minutes of my time, why would I pay? Point is, there are a lot of creative ways to either bring in money or get the things you want for free (google freecycle), and still be home with your child. Don't look at this situation as just a problem. Look at it as a problem that has a solution.

And why oh why would you need your H to define a goal for YOU? You have a great goal right now, and that is to find a way to survive and thrive during this difficult time. I can tell you, your H is going to have a difficult time finding the will to support you in school if you did nothing but gripe and whine the whole time he was in.

I'll also suggest looking into any additional benefits that may be available to you and your family.

Hi and welcome to MB.
Financial issues are very high on the stressors of North American society. You are feeling those pressures now, and it is hard to live "short term pain for long term gain". I understand the desire to raise your child and not put them in daycare, an admirable goal. The issue is you are extremely tight on finances right now. How much extra per month would it take to ease the pain?


My nephew is took a job with a financial institution in Canada because they would allow him to work from home. This allows him to work around his daughters schedule. I am wondering if it is possible for you to pick up some part time work in the mortgage field that would allow you to work from home. Telecommuting is gaining a lot more visibility these days and if you have specific skills in your career perhaps you might be able to ease the financial burden on your family if you were able to work from home?

Just a thought. It is difficult. Read the articles on Love Busters so you and your husband can work together through the issues without hurting the relationship.

Good for you for seeking solutions early on. What you are going through is very typical for your situation and there are creative solutions to help ease the strain.

Good luck

I've thought about you all day.

Everything I can think of that you could do would take attention away from your child. Like taking in another child to watch, working a part time job on the weekend.

The only thing I could think of was your husband selling plasma. He could make about $200/month after repeat visits. He could study while he's doing it.

Are you using social services (WIC, food stamps), food banks, and the like to help? What about your place of worship? Have you applied for energy assistance? What about low income housing in your city?

I do value the SAHP lifestyle. We nearly live it. And, we intend to remain in the lifestyle through our children's high school careers. If I could figure out way to support a family of 4 on 600/month without public assistance, I surely would quit my job.

Does it pain me that I miss many firsts. Yes. It makes me feel better knowing that my husband was there to see them. However, it would pain me more to not have their basic needs met: food on the table, shelter, some (new to us) clothing, and health insurance. I don't believe family life must fall along gender roles. I believe each parent has the duty to provide for the child. I don't believe dad is responsible for finances and mom is responsible for the emotional stuff. I think each parent is responsible for all the needs of the child.

The reason I ask what your goals are is that I interpret you giving your child "undivided attention" as you doing nothing all day except take care, entertain, interact with your child. I interpret your statement as you doing housework when your child naps. I interpret this as you doing absolutely nothing for yourself (never reading a book, giving yourself a manicure, a hot bubble bath).

However at age 2,3,4 I personally think kids need to have some independence from their parents. At two, your child can dress themselves, wash themselves in the bath, and get ready for potty training, no? Your child is beginning to assert their independence, and your undivided attention all day long is not needed as when your child was a baby.

At four, might you think about enrolling your child in preschool? Your child won't be available for your undivided attention. Your child's preschool teacher won't be able to give them undivided attention.

I can imagine how frustrated you are, taking the brunt of the child and home duties while your husband does nothing in this regard. But something has to give. If it won't be your husband, it has to be you.

Canwemakeit:
No, no massage or any privolous expense here. We stretch every dollar. All the uncessary's already been cut. I sold some of my designer stuff (which I hated doing but I had to).

I've applied for partime job at several restaurants. But after reconsidering, husband didn't think it would be plausible because this will require me to leave at night and on weekend. Times when he should be studying instead of watching our son. Which by the way, I never got a call back. See, we live in a small college town. I am competing against other college students. And with today's dreadful economy, it's not helping me either

Thanks for the suggestion on Freecycle? I'll look it up. Thanks for the insight on how to stretch and budget the money. I am so bad with money. I admit it. Also, I have a professional camera that he bought. I plan on doing some freelance photography business. I just need to find some clients around this small town. I know it's hard and there's no money. But is implying that I am camping out necessary? As much as he wants to back paddle, I still think it was intended to hurt me. Jerk!... He's been nice all day and all night. Let's see tomorrow. I always tell him that I am a roaring tiger and to leave me alone but instead, he says mean things!!!

Inrecovery:
Thanks for the knowledgeable and helpful suggestions. Wow, donating plasma is a bit extreme. I think I would feel bad if I see him donating plasma. Sitting down and getting a blood sucked out of him? Oh no....Maybe I can do this instead?

Yea, I understand about basic needs for my family. That's why this is so stressful because we are having a hard time getting those basic needs provided. I hate being broke and it's even worse because I complain so mcuh about it..

We are currently on Medicaid. Husband have his own insurance through the university. My medicaid only cover's the OB. This is another issue--I have been wanting to visit a regular Dr. but I don't have the insurance to do it. I've been having this weird sensation on my throat. Feels like I swallowed something. I think it's stress related. That's what my husband found on the internet. Some kind of Globas Sensation. Regardless, I wish I could go to the Dr. It doesn't hurt but I am curious why it's there.

Oh yea..when my son naps during the day, I am working on my photography business. I am also writing a book. This is my husband's idea that I should write it cause I have been through the experience.

My son is not quite two yet. Although he is very smart just like his dad, very active, stubborn just like his mom, and creative--he is not capable of dressing himself. He is very capable of a lot of things but this one, he hasn't mastered yet. I am looking forward to some break when he can do that. haha.'

bcboy-Thanks for suggesting the love buster. I will look it up. About working from home. Oh yea.. I have done that for few months last year. It never worked out. My son was and still is very demanding. A lot of my work when I was mortgage consultant required me to be on the phone. Talking to the seller, buyer, account executive, underwriter, etc...and during this critical conversation, my son is screaming on the back. Yes, I can work while he naps. And that last for an hour or so. After that, I have to drop whatever I am doing and get to him.

Also, finding a new clients sometimes require me to cold call. I did this last year when he was not even as distracted and was not mobile. It was such a hassle. I tried conducting/practicing business from home under my old broker's name. Butsince his business went down along with other businesses, I can no longer do that. I have to be employed by a broker. I just cant act as an independent. And yes, I can find a broker to employ me here in AL--but that will require me to pass an AL license which for me is not worth getting. I am still license back in CA but not here.

I HAVE ALSO DONE BABY SITTING AT HOME. I did it for about 3 months. That didn't work out and it only put more stress on me. The baby was getting drop off whenever her mom wants to. And I was not getting paid the amount that I am supposed to for the work that I did. 200 a month for working 9 hours a day 5 days a week sometimes weekend. It was my husband who decided to have me quit because he would always come home with an angry and stressed out wife.

Although....JUST TONIGHT..we have come up with another idea...I think I can work for a daycare while taking my son with me. Where I live, they have a waiting list for a daycare because they are short in staff. I called around last year and someone told me that I could work there and get paid and take my son with me. They will deduct my son's payment for being in the daycare with me from my salary. Brilliant idea! I didn't think about this until 3 minutes ago when I was talking to my husband about finding a way to earn money...

I better go to sleep so that I can make some calls tomorrow. After all, I have been in the kitchen trying to make this stupid soup that I ended up destroying. Ugh!

Sorry for the long rant..Just want to get that all out there!

Congrats on finding a workable solution! Much luck on making it all work out!

Unless your H has a habit of degrading you, you may just have to let the camping comment go, write it off as a stress-induced comment. You've both been a bit biting of late, right? Kiss and make up.

You're writing a book? Cool! Have you thought about freelancing? It takes a while to get established, but I know a few folks who went from selling a couple articles the first year to making $40k the next, working very much part-time from home. You've got lots of talents to exploit! Photog, writing...see, i knew you were smart and could do this!