Cat, I'm so relieved to hear that you have a plan what to do, and then a backup plan if it doesn't work.


Cat, in Alanon we call that the 3 As: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I've also heard it as We can't change what we don't acknowlegde. Where's the roadblock here for you, cat? Are you mad that you have to find new skills at this stage in life? Do you need more support?

I'm mad at myself for letting my FOO fears take over even when I know what they are. I want to be able to shut it off, that fear.

Cat, they say courage is having fear and acting, anyway. You have done this before. What's changed?

I'm thinking it's that all of our stressors are gone, those weekly/daily things hanging over our heads, which have driven our lives for so long. We got married and spent our time remodeling that house. We had D18 and moved and spent our time selling our old house and getting the new one the way we want. We took on a remodel to flip house that took the first few years of D18's life. We had the scandal with SM and moved because of it. We spent the next 4 years remodeling the house we left before selling it, accumulating bills out the wazoo, and H got laid off and went into a supposedly great job running a company, which turned out to be a disaster. Sell that house, he gets another new job which gives him grief immediately and doesn't pay what they promised. And we start working on his old car to give to D18. And taxes.

But the job is going ok, not great but ok. D18 got the new car so we're not in a rush to fix the old car. The taxes are finally done, and we got that money in, which will pay our taxes in January. I'm starting to get the bills in order.

So it's kind of like the empty nest syndrome. Chaos is what kept us going for 30 years. Now I'm finding hours at a time on a weekend where I don't have to be anywhere. I don't know how to deal with it. I have a good 100 projects at home I want to do, but I have to fit in doing what H wants. I end up just wandering around piddling at jobs but getting nothing finished. Part of the depression, I guess.

I guess it's so non-chaotic, that it's causing stress because we don't know how to deal with it.

Would this be a good time to set a goal of 15 hours playing together? What do you two enjoy doing together for leisure? Maybe something that doesn't involve much driving, since his side trips are an LB for you. Or maybe you could drive.

Your H sounds depressed and angry, what about some active things to destress? Tennis, going to the gym together, basketball, walking or running?

He won't do sports. The sports we did do, he quit because I always beat him. He did do tennis sometimes; I'll work on that. I have a hard time with it because of my feet and the arthritis in my hands - can't hold the racquet for more than 15 minutes. But I'll make it work.

Good idea, though.

How could I forget about your feet! What about bicycling or swimming?

Uh...so why did you wax her car? If she didn't want to help, I would have gone inside myself. Is it your car or hers? If it is yours, take away the keys. If it is hers, then let it go and let her treat it how she wants to, knowing that is the last time you help her buy a car.

You have taught her that this behavior works for her...you have to show it doesn't if you want it to change.

I can see how you'd think that, and in a normal house it would work that way. In our house, my H decides when something needs to be done and he usually gets us to do it with him by being PA about it. I'm working on that.

In our house, we buy a new car and H decides it needs to be waxed before anyone drives it. It's just what he does. The car will get waxed. And he expects us to join him and rearrange our schedule; if not, he does petty things like storming into the house and slamming doors in the kitchen or making general noise or making belittling comments to inform us he's angry.

So I help him to avoid that and because it really did need a wax. I asked D18 to help him because it's her car and she needs to learn about such responsibilities, and because I don't want the purchase of her first car to turn into a bad experience just because we are so dysfunctional.

Your husband sounds a bit like me when he gets new stuff. I'll buy a piece of computer equipment, take it carefully out of the box, carefully place the warrenty in the filing cabinet, place the item gently where it will go, hook it up...and then let it gather dust until it dies.

The stomping around your dh does is just for effect. Hard to ignore though.

I was so excited yesterday. D18 worked all day, so H and I went shopping, spent the whole day together. Somewhere along the way, I mentioned that I was going to want to paint the kitchen some day, cos it looks so bad (cheap paint, 5 years, etc.). Next thing I know, we're at Home Depot and he's telling me to pick out the paint I want. So I did! And I didn't pick the cheapest paint, like I usually do, but what I really wanted. Today, he worked on his river in the back 40, and then did the yard, and then worked on car parts, so I was getting distressed, but he just finished and came in and started taking down the switchplates and all, so we could get on with the painting. Yea for me for not complaining or getting resentful!

Wow that's awesome!!!

Hey I am back and I am happy to read your happiness on this page.

Echo

Wow, cat, you continue to inspire me, thanks for sharing!

Thanks, but you all spoke too soon.

So we get up at 7am to go to early church, thinking (so I thought) that we'd have all day to paint. It's one of those two-step processes, where you paint, wait 12 hours, and then paint again with the finish paint. We stop at Denny's, we stop at Lowes, get home at 11. So I start taking the curtains down, and H goes outside and starts to work on sanding the car bumper. A few minutes later, he comes in and growls 'are you going to help me or not?' So I go out, we spend the next 3 hours sanding the bumper. Then he gets the power washer out, and starts washing the driveway. Then he goes to the cars and starts power washing the wheels. It's 2:30. Now he's back to sanding the bumper again.

*sigh*

I wouldn't despair just yet. IMHO, if the painting gets done within a month of your first mentioning it, that's pretty good isn't it?

Before you started taking the curtains down, did you check with H to see if he had other plans for the day? You said you were thinking that you'd have all day to paint; is that what H was thinking also?

IMHO I'm pretty impressed that he helped you buy the paints after just mentioning it once that you were thinking of it. That doesn't necessarily mean that he was going to set aside whatever he thought was higher in priority for the weekend. KWIM?

Yeah, I know what you're saying, but he was acting totally like we were going to spend the whole weekend painting, told D18 we were, commented on it. I think he's just finding ways to avoid it, since he hates painting. We got through sanding and painting the bumper at 4, so he says, I need to go to Home Depot and buy that chain saw that was on sale, and I need spackling for the wall. Let's go.

I said why do I need to go? He said, I don't know. Let's go. Then we're on the way home, and he finds the DVD that came with D18's new car, and he gets home and puts it in and sits down and watches it. Now he's watching tv; it's 5:45 and dark outside.

I'm gonna go paint it myself whether he likes it or not.

So I start and he gets up and starts helping, like I expected; he always takes over when I start a project because he doesn't think I can do a good job (yes, that is what he says).

Thinking about it, I guess what I'm po'd about is that I'm a morning person; he can work all night. And with my feet in such bad shape, I can barely walk by 6 or 7pm, my feet hurt so much. So I'm stuck cleaning walls and painting for another 5 or 6 hours tonight, staying up past bedtime, getting 3 or 4 hours' sleep if I'm lucky, for following his lead, and not being willing to confront him about it.

What if you started the job when you wanted to, nd if he wants to join in fine, or if he wants to wait until after he watches the video fine; then when you get tired you can stop, and he can keep working if he wants?

I know, it's prolly one of those things where the solution sounds so simple but it's easier said than done. If you started first and then you stopped when he was tired, would he guilt you? Would you be able to not let him guilt you?

You're right, it's complicated. We've been painting for about an hour, and he has to do all the trim work, if I start some, he comes and takes the brush from my hands. If I use the roller, he comes behind me and redoes it. If I start somewhere where he isn't, he gripes because the edges have to be painted first, and the roller used second. So basically, I'm going along behind him as usual, and doing whatever small tasks he trusts me not to screw up.

I'd forgotten what it was like to do house repairs with him, it's been so long.