I guess it is just frustrating because I tried to expose to OMW and she asked me how I knew it was not innocent, and I told her what little I had at that time, then she says I believe my H and basically hangs up on me. i guess to her it is out of sight out of mind. I am not so sure she would even listen or answer the phone this time. that is why I want to be able to tell her that I have something that she may want to see. Leave her the video with now do you believe your H.

WHAT VIDEO? What if she is just like you and will do nothing to stop him? You can't assume she will take any more action than you, hogfan, no matter WHAT evidence you have.

What you do have is a RIGHT TO expect that your wife end her "friendship" with this man. You don't need evidence of an affair to expect that. You need to tell the OM his "frienship" is not acceptable and if it does not stop you will file on grounds on ADULTERY and have him hauled into court to TESTIFY UNDER OATH. He will have to give SWORN TESTIMONY on the stand.

For crying out loud, go scare the hell out of the man!

You call your parents, WWs parents, OMW, and toxic friend. You say:
"I believe you should know that WW is having an A with OM. I am determined to do everything in my power to repair my marriage and make it the best it can possibly be. I'd appreciate any support you can give WW, myself, and our marriage."

You go through the whole list, all at once, and expose to everyone in one fell swoop. You do NOT warn WW that you are going to do this.

Then you write the HR manager and the CEO of their company, and you send a certified letter saying that WW and OM are having an affair and potentially using company resources to conduct the affair - ML has a great prototype letter you can use.

That's because you are focused on her, and what she's doing, and what she's saying. You're trying to control HER, and you can't control anyone but yourself. You have to focus on changing yourself, and do what you can to make the A difficult and uncomfortable for them. And wait.

What are her top three ENs and how are you meeting them?

Her top three EN woul be in this order

comapnionship
admiration
support

I am looking at a least that the last counselor had us make of the top ten things that make you feel loved. Here is the list that she made out.
1. gives me massages
2. makes me bubble baths
3. takes care of the girls so I can do something for myslef
4. go palces together and have fun
5. compliments me on what I am wearing and how I look.
6. does not get upse or say anything when I want to go shopping
7. appreciates the things I do to show him I love him
8. is a hard worker and an excellent provider for the family
9. does little things to help me out (oil changes on the car, washes my car, gets groceries, runs erands)
10. helps me out around the house (washing clothes, vaccuming etc.)

just take a look at my posts. I do all of the things on her list and even more, but yet she still is doing what she is.

I have video of her and OM in her car together on the parking lot at work.

So what are they doing in this video?

That's an interesting list, HF, thanks for taking the time to find it and type it up. That says less to me about her ENs than it does about her Love Language - if you haven't read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" then I highly recommend it. It looks like your wife's top love language is "Acts of Service".

What this means is you can send her flowers, cards, or chocolates until the cows come home and all she'll think is "Hmm. That's nice, I guess." Her love language is not gifts.

But when you DO something for her - massage, run a bubble bath, watch the kids, help around the house - those things say LOVE to her. This is very useful knowledge for you. It tells you that you should continue doing little acts of service for her whenever you see the opportunity. You have a huge advantage over OM in this respect because he's not living w/her. He doesn't get chances to vacuum, do a load of laundry, get the kids into the tub, and so on.

As far as her top ENs go, if Recreational Companionship really is number one on her list (unusual for a woman) then you definitely need to stop going hunting by yourself and you need to accompany her on her shopping trips. Ask her to a comedy club, a concert, to poke through flea markets, take a walk, do a jigsaw puzzle... basically do what you can to spend all your "entertainment" and "sports" time with her.

Admiration - compliment her a lot. Be specific, like "I love the way your hair sparkles in the sunlight" or "Which shirt do you like best with these slacks? You are so good at pulling an outfit together." Admiration is even stronger when you admire her to someone else when she's there to hear. For example, you say to a group of friends, with your wife present, "My wife cooks the best chili in the world. I always over eat when she makes chili, I can't help it, it's so good!" or "You wouldn't believe how great the bathroom looks with the wallpaper my wife picked out. She has a real talent for decor and design." This is an EN that OM is probably meeting a LOT, because it's easy for him to do so.

Support - do you mean domestic support or financial support?

I think it's a grand idea.... for her. You play right into her hand. Really, cake AND eating....PERFECT!

But you keep coming here and ask these silly questions! I can already see your next one...."Why do you think my wife's footprints are on her windshield"?

I swear HG I'm so GD frustrated now! You will be the one who manages to get me banned from this site!

You're not alone in your frustrations with this poster iam. There are lots of us who see so MUCH potential and HF is just throwing it all away.

HF is not throwing away anhything. HFW is throwing it away with the A.

turtlehead - all of the things that you are saying in your post I am doing. I did it all weekend long and, and for a year. By the way made her a bath last night. But nothing I do seems to matter. After helping her all day Sarutday putting up Christmas decorations, and then cooking super for the family I caught her texting OM. I actually seen a couple that she sent to OM.
1. W sends OM a reply "that is what I love about you"
2. W sends I love you to.
I can do all of the things that she claims makes her feel loved, but what she is doing is BS. When I seen those two texts I yanked the phone out of her hand. She went crazy. tried to get physical, and my kids and their friends were around so I gently gave it back to her. She tries to protect that phone with her life. The that night after talking about her and OM she wants to come to bed and get intimate. I don't think so. Then today she still leaves notes in my lunch box and messages on my phone.
So to everyone that thinks I am just setting back and doing nothing your wrong. I did take her phone, but with her reaction I can not very well get physical with a woman.

iam - you ahve blasted me the whole time I have posted on this site. I did not come here for that I came here looking from help from those that have been through or are going through what I am.

you are acting ridiculously.

STOP.

Call a lawyer immediately.

Seek temporary custody and get your wife out of the house.

I disagree 100% with trying to meet ANY of her needs right now. You should be on the offensive with a lawyer.

Stop this disrespect in its tracks.

Lock her out of the bedroom.

Lawyer.

Get tough.

Look HF,

Iam is tough on you, but dang it - you've got it coming. You are a doormat for this woman.

If you want our help you make Plans to remove her from your home and begin Plan B NOW.

What are you looking for - a whole bunch of people commiserating with you about how crappy your wife is. That's not going to change things.

In order for things to change with your wife, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE and stop griping about how bad it is for men in Arkansas. There are men who get custody in Arkansas too. They have less evidence than you have and less reason (she's handed you grounds for divorce and custody).

Grow some big brass ones and start taking action.

Your conflict avoidance is going to lead to slow but agonizing death of your M. I suggest talking to your kids about why you did what you did, and what led to W's reaction.

And destroy the phone already. Toss it into the pool, or flush it.

The MORE conflict the throw into her A, the better.

I have spoken with my kids and told them what is going on. My oldest daughter says she does not want to hear it and is not getting involved, and all my youngest daughter says if mom does not have a bf. They really do not understand. It is so easy in this state to get charged with domestic violence. And with her reaction of me taking the phone sat. night it could have gotten to that point from her side. I have to be very careful here from the advice of my lawyer.

What did Bonnie or Laura Robertson have to say about your case.

STOP with the stuff about your state. The domestic violence/custody laws are NO DIFFERENT in Arkansas than anywhere else. It is simply an excuse for inaction.

Excuses for inaction and paralysis.

Do you want change? or do you want to complain?

This web site was built for action. And the encouragement of action.

Whining about laws in Arkansas will not get you any slack. If your lawyer is advising inaction, find one who will take action to get a separation agreement in place right now and get your wife out of the house.

Until you legally snap her head around that she cannot treat you this way in your home, she will continue to walk in the dog-doo-OM and then wipe her feet on you any time she pleases! And rub your nose in it for good measure!

Come on Hogfan...it is a simple question. What did they say about your case?