I need some advice. My story in a nutshell, married 15yrs two kids 8/5. We have been separated for a little over a year. The separation was my fault I had an addiction problem, the addiction wasn’t the reason it was the fact that I hid it from her. She had no idea till I got clean, I’ve been through rehad and have 18 months clean. The problem now is in June she filed to have the separation converted to a divorce. Since then it seems like we have gotten along better than ever. I give her her space, which I wasn’t good at during the separation phase. I know she has the final divorce papers and has had them since the end of June. I haven’t brought up or talked about it at all until this weekend. It was my weekend with the kids and she called to talk about some presents for our son. I asked her if we are doing presents for each other, she said she thought so. Then comes the “bad” part, there was no arguing or anything she just asked what my plans were for Christmas. Last year I went over in the morning and spent the day there with her and the kids and her family. She said well this is your year and it’s going to be like this in the future where we switch for holidays. I told her I wasn’t sure what to do since I wasn’t sure what she was thinking as far as the divorce went. She said she didn’t want to talk about it now since she was in the middle of the store. I said fine, normally this would have brought up an argument. This was Saturday morning, we talked a few times after this and I didn’t want to bring it up and she didn’t say anything. I dropped off the kids of Sunday we talked had a little fun with the kids and I left, nothing said. I will not bring it up again, but I can’t figure out what her plan is. Obviously she is not sure about wanting divorce, but she is still planning on that being the final outcome. Any advice or ideas?

Thanks.

Have you read the material here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs and Plan A? If you want her back, there are things you can do to make yourself look more (emotionally) attractive. What is your goal?

Read up on plan A. Then do it. Best to leave D topic alone. Why push her to make a decision when she is leaning away from you. Stalling will only allow her the time to see that you have changed and to plan A her.

That's what I have been doing for the past six months. I NEVER bring up the D. It just took me by surprise when she brought it up in a roundabout way.

Have you seen any change in her since you started this?

Yes we get along better don't fight at all, she's been inviting me to the house more. That was what was so confusing about her saying it was my turn with the kids for Christmas this year since that is the way it will be in the future us switching each year.

I think she will probably continue to hold up being divorced as a shield to protect herself. She may eventually decide not to proceed with it, but she's afraid if she says that, you'll jump on it to mean she wants you back. Just chill and take what comes.

What are you doing to improve yourself? Exercising? Classes at community college? Join a sports team? Hobby? Such things make you more attractive to your mate. (as long as you don't dump her to do them, lol)

I agree...walk straight and see what comes. Be patient....continue to plan A....she may be experiencing some ambivalence that, with time and evidence, you may win her...

This weekend was good, I had the kids.

She had set up the Christmas tree and asked if I wanted to help decorate when I dropped the kids off on Sunday, trying to not get over excited I told her I'd think about it...Of course I was going to .

As we were decorating she for some reason I got the box that had all of our "married ornaments" (we have hundreds of Hallmark ornaments) didn't put any of those on the tree, she did. I was surprised that she put my Christmas stocking up, stocking are big in her family. She asked if I wanted to stay for dinner, sure. Stayed helped clean up then told her it was time to go.

Why, why, why, why are you playing games with your W?

"She had set up the Christmas tree and asked if I wanted to help decorate when I dropped the kids off on Sunday, trying to not get over excited I told her I'd think about it..."

Straight for question deserved a straight forward reply.
Polite, calm, pleasant repsonse.

I can see you stalling if she asked for you to come over and sign divorce papers.

Are you trying to win her back or play games. I may be overreacting but I don't think coming out with a yes would make you look desparate.