I need to help my friend. My friend and her husband have been going through counseling because the H is addicted to talking to women on his cell phone. Their therapist says that he gets some sort of self esteem/endorphine boost by becoming friends with other women and talking to them on a daily basis. I know first hand this man is a very verbally flirty person, but has never crossed the line.

My friends problem is that one of the women he was talking to turned out to have feelings for him. My friend advised OW and the H that they are not to speak to eachother anymore. Well now there is a new woman he is talking to.

My friend just doesnt know what to do. She confronted the H and told him that she doesnt think its healthy for either of them. I told her to tell him that due to her insecurity, every time he starts talking to women, she feels that any moment an Affair could start.

I advised my friend to call the OW and tell her that she has had problems in the past with her H speaking to women and that the women sometimes get the wrong impression.

What can she tell her H. How is she ever going to get him to stop. He wont admit to doing anything wrong and says that she has nothing to worry about. She has gone from a very secure feeling person, to not knowing one minute to the next whether her marriage is going to make it. H told her that she is driving him away from her by acting like this. He said that if she keeps this up he is gone. Because he is not going to continually be accused of something he is not doing.

Any advice is helpful. By the way, they are already doing he marriage builders program with Love busters.

Yeah? This is what my WH-Gray used to tell his first wife. After she found out what he did to me we started talking and guess what? He was having an affair in their marriage and walked out on her and the kids when she asked him one too many times if he was having an affair.

Charlotte

I think your friend's WH is addicted to women that he happens to call on his cell phone.

There's more going on here than a high cell phone bill....

Your friend should make plans to go into Plan B. He is a serial cheater who is openly pursuing emotional affairs with other women. OF COURSE she would be insecure when her H purposely torments her like that. He is driving her away with his thoughtless, cruel behavior. Her best course of action would be to read up on Plan B and start making plans to separate.

She cannot change her husband or force him to do something against his will, but she can protect herself from his ABUSE. And yes, his behavior is ABUSE. It is about as cruel as you can get.

This is the same problem I've been having in my M for the past two years...dealing with a man who doesn't think its cheating if his penis isn't involved. I really don't have any advice except to tell you a couple of things from my experience.
First, contacting the OW probably won't help (unless she's just trying to get facts). If he's anything like my H, finding about the OW will just lead him to find another. Second, he is probably lying about EVERYTHING. If she needs evidence to take action she should probably get a keylogger for the computer and start checking out the phone bill a little more closely. There's lots of tips on the boards about snooping. Also, the kind people on these boards have taught me that MB does not work on people with addictions. If that is the problem he will need to see a therapist who specializes in SA. I think in these situations its really hard to determine if someone is addicted or just completely disregards their SA feelings, still not sure which is the case with my H....

As far as your friend's self-esteem, I completely identify with that as well. You get so caught up in what he's doing you lose focus on taking care of yourself and making yourself what you want to be. After steadily feeling worse and worse about my self, last week I finally decided it was his problem to work out on his own and threw him out. I'm tired of focusing so much energy on saving a M he obviously cares so little about so I'm going to let him fight for it for once. I feel so much better about myself already...

Why don't you ask your friend to post here?

I wish you luck. You are brave. I wish I had your bravery for my own situations. But i have forwarded your message to my friend and she is contemplating the same move. I have also suggested she sign on to this website to read posts. Thank you.

Thank you for your kind words but I am not very brave, just more scared of what will happen if I stay than if I leave. And any strength I do have has come from the support I have received here from everyone. Your friend really needs to come here so she can get that too...

I also want to make it clear that I did not kick him out as part of a plan to save our marriage, I did it with every intention of divorce and although I haven't taken action yet that is the path I am heading down. If he wants to jump through hoops to try to save this then I may let him try, but I have no desire to put in any more effort on my part. I wanted your friend to know that in case she is still focused on saving the marriage. If thats what her goal is she would probably be better off getting advice from someone else like inrecoverynow....