My W is having an affair. She claims it hasn’t been going on long I think it started about 4 months ago. We have been married for 6 years and have 2 children ages 5 and 2. Just on our last wedding anniversary, Sept 3, she told me "I can't do this to you anymore I want a divorce". Five days after this I found out and confronted her about the affair. But now about a month latter she filed. Threw out that month I have done a lot of reading, and have been doing plane A as much as I can. She told me that she had a hard time filing because I have been so nice lately and that coming back to me is the correct thing to do also that she feels more of a friend to me now then the last 5 years of our marriage. Yet these things she said also came with I don’t want to give you any false hope, and that it's gone too far I don’t want to try, and why now, why not 5 years ago?<BR>The news of the affair got out by the W of the OM, BTW it was her best friends H. Eventually it was going to make it back to my parents threw friends so I decided to tell them first. After I told my W that my parents and now whole family new, she swore she could never face them. My mother then went over and talked to her telling her she hopes things will work out between us.<BR>Now her family knows of her affair and is telling her not to give up on her marriage. But she seems hard set on this divorce and not wanting to try.<BR>Since she filed we are now living in the same house together. We talk when she is home, she cooked dinner we eat as a family, we even watched a movie together one night. But she wont let me touch her, or take her out to dinner, except one night she let me rub her back that was hurting. I thanked her for letting me do that and she said “Well it hurt”. I try to spend time with her but she avoids me at all costs.<BR>She started to see a councilor for her problems, one of them being an adult child or an alcoholic and is reading a book on it.<BR>She says we are not getting a divorce because of OM but because out marriage has to many problems and she is done trying to fix it. Sadly enough our communication was so poor I didn’t know we had that bad of problems and that she was trying to fix it. She never sat down and told me this she just tried different things and told me we had to go out more.<BR>I know we have grown apart in the last year or so me being addicted to online games and her buried in school and going out all the time with friends.<BR>She says she is done trying has filed for a divorce 2 weeks ago. I am not giving up yet, but with her saying she doesn’t want to try I feel little hope.<BR>

There is always hope.<P>read the other posts here, actually All the info here nad DO NOT TALK YOUR WIFE OUT OF IT. Let her decide..it sucks, i know.<P>chance are, she'll probably stall also- you stall anyway you can. if you dont want it..dont cooperate. my wife was supposed to forward a settlement in Aug. it hasn't happened yet. you decide when its over.<P>also, try <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.com</A> and read the book , all books dealing with this.<BR>good luck- welcome to the roller coaster.

Don't feel you are alone.<P>Except for the names and a few other difference your story is just like mine.<P>Married 11 years, 3 kids, her not telling me her needs...<P>My W's affair started on an Internet chat (slight difference...)<P>I have to say emphatically... hold back the divorce as best you can!!! I had to file since I had 3 kids I didn't want moving out of state to live with W's OM (sponge that he is.)<P>My W has moved out almost 2 months ago (her OM moved into the apartment that I paid for!) But most importantly... NOW... I am holding back the divorce!!! <P>As the days go on... custody is being guarenteed more and more AND there is now a draw to bring her back (the kids... she only sees them every other weekend)<P>I am in Plan A... but without her being here she doesn't see the good...<BR>But... because we're apart, and she procrastinates... I'm pretty safe on holding back on the divorce.<P>That "don't touch" was very painful to me too! VERY painful... and it is continuing for me.<P>Keep the faith.<BR>Hold back the divorce!<P>We'll all be praying for you.<P>Jim

Agony - there is hope! I think right now your wife is terribly confused and feeling guilt over what she has done. Is she still seeing the om? My H also said his wanting a divorce had nothing to do with the ow. My H also started the divorce process during his affair. He was adamant there was no hope for our marriage whatsoever. He did not want to try and said he had tried for too many years. He said the marriage was dead and he was leaving. That was ten months ago. We are now recovering but still with lots of ups and downs. I think it is a positive sign you are still living together. If you want to save this marriage do not move out. You will have to be incredibly patient and try not to throw the affair in her face. Unfortunately, it was a mistake to tell family and friends what she did. She probably now needs to justify her actions to the world by being convincing that the marriage was so miserable that she was "forced" to have an affair. <BR>It is a positive sign that she is in counseling. (Its also probably a good thing the om is married) You both owe it two your two young children to do everything possible to make your marriage work. I hope she will go to counseling with you. And I hope this brief glimpse of my story - that I was where you are ten months ago - helps to give you some hope.

Yes she is still in contact with him. still running up a $300 monthly cell phone bill to talk to him. But of course says they only talk on the phone now and they are only friends.

Agony, quite interesting reading your post, because it reminds me somehow of what happened to me.<BR>When the affair was discovered one of the things that came out was the fact that things had been really bad with us before ( not as much as he tried to convince me, but yes enough to need better communication). My H was completely sure he had been trying to fix things and doing it on his own for so long, he he didn't think he could do it anymore. Well, all that was news to me. Yes I was also feeling our marriage was not at its best, but since we were working so hard in more than one job, and were doing our best at parenting at the time, I tended to take the lows as a result of exhaustion and lack of energy ( not to mention lack of money which entered the eauqtion as well ). My H kept telling me of all the "hints" he had given me, and that I never ackowledgeor responded to. If he did give me hints, I supose they weren't good hints, because I never got that message. And he never sat down with me and seriously talk about what he was feeling was not working, or what was upseting him so much.<BR>As time passed, and we went trough an effort to tebuild that as all can tell you was a very bumpy ride, a lot of highs and low, I did my best to fix what seemed wrong, but was at the same time confused by the whole thing. I was feeling so guilty for not having noticed any of those hints before, and not understand things were that bad. Listening to him talking I had been awfull for at least 4 years. The person he described didn't even ressable me in the least.That's why I was so confused. I could recall some of the things he was talking about, although in a different way, so I had to assume they were true, and yet it didn't make sense. I couldnt have done them the way he was telling me. Little by little I started to understand the whole process. Yes things were not at its best. Yes there were problems serious enough to need to be talked, but no they weren't exactly the way he was telling they were.<P>See, he had been struggling with the things that were not good - as I had -. Untill he met her, and things start to take a new perspective, he wasn't really feeling they were that negative, at least not to the point where he needed out of the marriage. But when he met her, and attration started he knew it was wrong.However he still wanted it. SO little by little, all those things started growing inhis mind. His perception of anything that had hapenned to us, changed,and any weak point was zoomed him, distorted a bit, and used to justify his actions that he knew were wrong.So words, actions, or anything took different proportions, and grew in his mind. AN inocent comment abou this job would mean to him that I didn't respect his career, and didn't support him.A day where I was tired ( and there were many holding 2 stressing jobs ) and didn't wait awake for him ( he was working untill 2 a.m. then ) would mean I wasn't interested either in talking to him ( when things were calmer and we didn't have that many jobs I used to wait for him, and we used to talk after he came from work )<BR>or in sex ( so I probably didn't care about him anymore ). A remark about how expensive the new shoes for our daughter were, would become a low shot at him for not making enough money. I think you can get the idea <P>In any case, thsoe things were real for him after a while. He believed it was exactly as he was recalling it. And because of that, he felt justified in his affair ( as if ).<P>AFter the affair ended, and yes we both did our best to improve whatever was not that strong before it happened. We talked about many of those things. He could finally see where he started exagerating my reactions to him, and even agreed that even though there was a need to work some things out, they hadn't been as grim as he had felt while the affair was on. But that took time.<BR>And agony, not always it ends quickly and easily. Most times it takes some back and forth motion untill they're able to let go of the fantasy.<BR>Don't lose up, and as covenant said, if it's something you don't want to happen, don't iniciate it. You don't want divorce, don't file. Changes are she probably won't either. and even if she does ,you stall it as much as you can - if that is what you want.<BR>Do take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.