Q. WHat is the sound you hear before every NZ sporting defeat?
A> The haka.

My personal favourite was Pio's rendition of how to avoid getting a traffic ticket in Mexico. A pity that gem has been buried.

Have I mentioned the search facility on MB sucks since the "upgrade"

All Blacks vs. Wales

Where does the term "welsh on a bet" come from?

I thought I posted that on another thread. I can't know for sure because the "database error is only visible to the administrator".

Getting a traffic ticket in Mexico (La Mordida)

The following accounts are true stories from my time in Mexico and can help save you some money in case you are "stopped" by the police. Now, being stopped by the police in Mexico is not actually very easy so, if it happens to you, you should already be embarrassed. The reason is that most Mexican traffic police do not actually have vehicles. They stand by the side of the street and flag you down. Now, if you don't stop, you are thinking that he will write down your license number and track you by computer. Rest assured that this would never happen - mainly because they either don't actually have computers or, to track you down, would require additional work with no compensation. So the trick here is "eye contact". If you avoid eye contact with the policeman, you can continue driving with no consequences. If, however, you happen to make eye contact, you must pull over. Failure to do so would be disrespectful and respect is very important in Mexico. If you are stopped, there are four directions you can take the conversation. I have personally tried three of them and all are equally good and effective.

The fourth option is to actually accept the ticket. Now, please understand that this is an option that neither you nor the policeman actually wants so both should work together to avoid it unless absolutely necessary. Accepting the ticket will not cost that much money but it will cost you one to two days in the police station and in court where you will suffer the additional indignation of being ridiculed for actually having gotten the ticket in the first place instead of opting for one of the other three options.

Option one - the bribe or "mordida". Once I was driving along in Villahermosa with my future wife (Gemela) and her sister and I was probably speeding although the policeman had no radar gun to support his case so technically it was his word against mine (advice - never argue with a Mexican policeman). I already knew to avoid eye contact but, what can I say, this man just had a "presence" about him. He was a magnet. I could not have avoided looking at him if I had tried. Oh well - damage done. I pull over. He walks up to the car and I roll down the window and he asks me for my license and tarjeta de circulación (registration). He makes a couple of notes and SLOWLY walks back to his motorcycle. Meanwhile, the three of us are in a panic and wondering what to do so we come to the consensus to try to offer him a mordida. My fiancée taps the horn to get his attention so he turns and comes back. Well Gemela says to him something like: "excuse me officer but isn't there some way we could resolve this situation which is an obvious misunderstanding" and reveals a 50 peso (5 U$D) note I had given her. He calmly says "double it". Well, I am thinking $10 dollars is not a bad way out of this so I pull out another 50 peso note and he says with slightly more emphasis "double it". Now I pull out a 100 peso note and he says "double it". Now I am starting to weigh the pluses and minuses of the bribe versus the actual ticket and am also starting to get a little perturbed at this guy's audacity but I now pull out a 200 peso note and hand it to Gemela and he is now becoming very angry and once again says "DOUBLE IT". Well, I am now out of money and also a little angry myself so I pull out my bank card and am about to say "here - take this to the cash machine. This is my PIN number. Take what you want" when he reaches in the car and takes the original 50 peso note and nothing else and folds (doubles) it so he can hide it, hands me back the license and registration and walks off. Obviously it was a language problem.

Option two - the language barrier: Another option to avoiding a ticket is the language barrier but does not always have predictable results - especially if, it turns out, that either he speaks English or you speak some Spanish. Remember that neither one of you actually wants to end this in a ticket and that usually won't happen if you both do your jobs. The problem is that it requires significant concentration to maintain the façade. If either one of you breaks down even for a second, the whole gambit is lost. It works like this: you start with "sorry officer but no habla español". This is bad grammar. It should have been "no hablo español" but you knew that - this is all part of the ploy. If you start conjugating your verbs correctly, it is your first sign of weakness and he will catch it. Once he does, he knows he has you and will try to "up" the negotiation. Now, if you hold fast and he cannot break you down, he MAY try to start speaking English because he doesn't want to let a fish off the line. If he does this, get a perplexed look on your face and say "WHAT?". Many Mexicans are embarrassed about their poor English so, rather than face further shame, he will give up at this point. If, however, his English is better than yours, it is now just a matter of negotiating price. You can get by with 50 pesos if you live there but if you are a tourist plan for something like 100 pesos. Trust me - he'll know the difference so don't haggle. If you have both been able to maintain your ignorance of the other's language and this is dragging on for an extended period, one ploy which I have successfully used on several occasions is to get out of your car, appear very agitated, throw down your keys and start to walk off. You won't get very far. The policeman will pick up your keys and motion you to get back in your car and just drive away. The LAST thing he wants to be stuck with is your car and you'll see why in option three.

Option three - be logical: I used to ride a Honda 1100cc motorcycle in Mexico. It was far bigger than any other motorcycle in the south of the country so mostly people left me alone. I never used to ride with a helmet which is strictly against the law in Mexico but is, as we all know, a safer way to ride because you have better visibility, better hearing and generally better awareness of all that is around you. Because Mexico has a helmet law but most people cannot afford helmets, it is not uncommon to see people riding around in hard hats or even imitation baseball batting helmets. Sometimes I used a "doo rag". I rode for years like this. Even the "federales" never bothered me and they are generally more strict. One day I got pulled over by two police in a patrol car. I got off the bike and they approached and asked me where my helmet was. I explained I did not have one. They countered that I had to have one because it was the law in Mexico. Flawed logic at best but I let it go. One of them even went back to the car and brought back the book of ordinances and showed me that it said so in the book. He said that helmets were necessary to prevent injury. I told him that, if I had an accident, one less "gringo" would actually be an improvement. He had no argument there so realized I had him trapped so he goes back to the book again and asks me for my license. At this point I am oozing with confidence so I give him my license and registration. He looks at it and says "no - I mean your motorcycle license". Uh-oh. "What motorcycle license?" I ask and he says that, in Mexico, you need a special license for a motorcycle. I told him that this was the only license I had and knew nothing of a "motorcycle" license. He then adds "and, by the way, this license expired two months ago". (This is not going as I was wanting). I got out my cell phone and called the office and asked the secretary to send a car for me. I start unpacking all my stuff from the saddlebags and hand the key to the officer. He says "what are you doing? Do you really want us to impound the bike?". I told him I was in violation of several ordinances and I would just have to sort it out later and that I had to be at work right then. He said that I needed to follow him to the impound yard and get a receipt for the motorcycle and then I could go to work. I explained that a) I had no helmet b) had no motorcycle license and c) had no valid license at all so I could not possibly drive the bike to the impound yard - he would have to do it. He said that if he were to drive it and any damage occurred that he would be liable and I could sue him (he needed lessons in negotiation). I said that was his problem so he had better be extra careful with the motorcycle and not damage it. Poor guy. He was really frustrated. Things were not going his way. He finally handed me back my license and registration and said "I am giving you back your license so you will just......GO" but that I had better go buy a helmet. I got on my bike, left and never bought a helmet. I have to admit I think I got a little lucky here but I took a position of weakness and made it into a position of strength and got away with it.

Note: the above-mentioned price ranges apply to the "locales". If you get stopped by the "federales", the price is more in the 200 to 500 peso range depending on the infraction. Just remember - they don't want your vehicle either.

As I said - a classic

My personal favorite was the hypertrophic pyloric stenosis. Good luck finding that one.

I tried and ran across some old posts from BubbleBath and got side-tracked.

I really did get the whack jobs, didn't I?

And Austalia lost what to which country just recently???

I do believe you got your arses handed to you in cricket by us just yesterday. Lost the series 2-0 as I recall.

The sharks always smell the blood in the water. I did try and get some of them off your back from time to time as I recall.

I have found a word the censor won't allow......s c r e w - - those threaded metal fasteners used to attach things such as hinges to doors.

Er....why is "hat" a censored word?

Okay that is just plain scary. How on Earth did anyone think to add THAT word to the list? IT'S NOT EVEN ENGLISH!!! ...well...not REAL English, that is...

Affair = Marriage Lite

All of the pleasure, all the taste and none of the calories.

Not exactly guilt free though is it?

Hey bartender! Give me a [censored]driver.

Honey, please pass me that [censored]driver.

He sure has his head [censored]ed on straight.

Darn! I need a cork[censored] to open this bottle of wine. (doesn't apply to boxes Pep)



Man! This is a real problem!

STD's

OH so many benefits of Marriage Lite you missed.....

Affair partners never have STDs. They are perfect. Don't you listen?

Oh yeah - I forgot that bit!

Buggery bollocks, knackers and knickers!!!!!!

Tossers!!!!!!!!

(heh, heh, heh)