We are coming up on our ten year anniversary. I am a stay-at-home mother of two that hasn't worked for the entire length of our marriage. Three years ago, there was a point that my husband had an affair and actually left home for about a week. He came back and I accepted his return with considerable ease on his part. We have been through so much pain and so many arguments. I watched him like a hawk for a long time looking for signs of infidelity. I have just now began to trust that he is where he says he is and am not constantly checking his cell phone records.
He works quite a lot and in addition to that he is at the gym every day. This past spring, he took up soccer and was playing in pick-up games every weekend. Most of the time, he took the kids with him, so I felt comfortable with trusting him. However, I just was told by a member of my family that someone confided in them that my husband had a secret, private Myspace profile in which he approached a younger acquaintance of my family, in a secret admirer way. This girl has been present during the soccer games. I confronted him and the girl and they both denied it. Now the girl is saying that it was indeed my husband, as he revealed himself with a phone call. He denies it. The girl actually sent me copies of the email and the truth is, it sounds like my husband. I keep thinking that I am only seeing that because I am looking for it. I know that he didn't call her from his cell because I watch the accounts. He could have called her from work. I asked if she could get the records of her past usage and she says she will. In all of this, my husband doesn't seem the least bit nervous or unsure of what the outcome will be. He told me that he wants to see the records. I have even gone as far as trying to hack the profile that the messages came from, but to no avail. I don't know what to do. I know that if this is true, after all that we have been through, that there is no repair available. I also know that unless I get some kind of concrete proof, this will always hang over me as the great unknown.
I love my husband very much and I am desperate to know what to do. Please,help me.

I don't know, sounds very suspicious to me. Your husband may not be nervous because he doesn't think there is enough proof for him to be caught.

I suggest the two of you start spending at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together without the kids. Sounds to me like he has too much independent behavior.

How is the marriage otherwise?

We argue....but we always have. I am very unsure of his truthfulness, as he has often lied to me about really small things. And big things, of course.

I have a real knack for finding things out. I am certainly more computer savvy than he, so he doesn't know what I am capable of....gaining entry to accounts, etc...but what you say rings very true. I know that he is a very confident guy. I believe he thinks he is smarter than everyone around him. He may just be that confident in this area, too. I have said that I will look around for a hacking service. He doesn't seem to be bothered by this.

I feel like everything in my life is hanging in the balance. I am completely dependent on him, financially. I have, over the years, given over control of most of my life. My mistake, but it happened very gradually.

Have you installed a keylogger on his computer(s)?

Do you see the phone records?

Make sure of both of these things first.

Then learn about Love Busters, and stop LBing him

Then learn about Emotional Needs, and start meeting all of his.

Then start discussing the 15 hours together each week and start discussing how much time he should be spending on soccer and all the other Independent Behavior he's doing without you. You have the right to request that it be kept to a minimum. At least, no more of it until you are spending your 15 hours together first! Once you achieve that, then discuss all the other activities he wants to do.

Would he be willing to let you do the same thing to him? I doubt it.

I can't install a key logger on his computer, as it is a work. The profile wasn't opened on our home computer and I am not sure if he has additional email accounts.

This is the road block I have hit. He says I will just have to believe him. How can I do that? Under the best circumstances, it would be hard, and after this....?

I believe you are right about his recreational time. I feel he spends too much time doing things that suit just his interests and enjoyment. Being a husband and father. And you are right. I do not believe he would be ok with my spending that much time on my own, either. But, I have made that easy for him. I am always home and always with the kids if I am out. He has never had to want for my company.

Try this. Tell him Wednesday evening that you have scheduled a mani/pedi with your best friend for Saturday morning, and that you will be looking forward to him helping out by keeping the kids while you make your appointment and have a lunch with your friend. Start slowly integrating him into the childrearing portion. Then start finding other things he can help with so that you have time on your own. Not too much time, but just enough so he stops seeing you as the barefoot and pregnant housewife. Then start finding things you can invite him to, without him feeling like you're managing all his time.

I wouldn't stop until I found out the truth. Have you done marraige counseling? I'm in the same boat as you, with 3 kids and been a SAHM for 10 years and that makes it much harder. My WH is trying to work on things, but lying is a habit that's hard for them to break and I'm worried that he'll start drinking again and slide right back in to his old ways. As far as your husband being confident, they all are or they would be caught a lot sooner. The thing that convinced me of WH's A with the neighbor was his coming back from their house one night (I'd seen their bathroom light come on right before he came home and it was like a lightbulb went off over my head) and I told him to drop his drawers so I could smell him (TMI, I know) and he dropped them right down and said sure [censored] come blow me. I went over and smelled him and sure enough, he'd just washed his privates, which he alsways does after sex. He figured he didn't smell like her, so he was safe. Even after that, he had me doubting myself, and it took 4 more days before I gathered enough proof to force him to admit it. THEY ARE ALL CONFIDENT LIERS!