not feeling well today and will only be on the computer for a few minutes
But I wanted to say PLEASE take Mels advice on your Plan b letter. The one you wrote was way too long and you made way too many excuses for him. Stop it. He is a full grown man acting like a big baby. Quit trying to cover up the bad and make excuses for him.

also - I just read that you never read any of the Harley books. You most certainly need to do that - I assumed you did that long ago. Have you read the articles on this site? If not, please do that right away. and also read "Surviving An Affair" you should be doing that right away, and continuing your Plan B at the same time. You need to understand the whole Plan B scenario better.

At times I wondered if he was really in an active A still. It seemed more like he was chasing her, and she did not even realize it. But obviously that is not the case. Her messages to him "miss you, send cake" and "meet you at the Casino, same place" is a load of crap. Everytime you accused him of being in an A, you were right. She is carrying on with a married man, and she knows it. Her comment about "acid" and his comement about starting his "Fakey" - they are playing you for a fool. Plain and simple. She knows he is married, and knows that he has children, yet she continues to secretly see him, and send him messages. she is an adultress. Plain and simple.All of those times that he said they were "just friends" was bull crap, and he knows it.

Also - quit worrying that every little thing you do or say will be the death of your M. You worry that you made one LB that will kill your M - you worry that you should have read only MB in the beginning, and you keep woprrying that you still need to "fix" your plan A.

Look - you do not have that power to destroy your M in one day - or save your M in one day. It isn't that simple. You will make mistakes, we all will. But THAT IS WHY THE M VOWS SAY THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FAITHFUL ALWAYS, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. You are not destroying your M - your sick H is. Full stop.

You need a plan - for your own sanity. You are falling back into your old patterns with the bulimia. Your health is suffering over this man! You wonder if you are "good enough" for him. Please! that is ridiculuous. You are good enough for any man - but your WH beat you down so much you even question that. Your WH, as he is, should not be in a R with anyone. He is poison to a womans soul.

and finally, I don't know what books you downloaded that advice you to "date" but dont do it. Married women dont date. Any book that tells you to so is feeding you lies straight from the bowels of he11. If you date - you will teach your WH that it is perfectly OK for married people to date. And you will involve some poor guy, who may fall in love with you, not realizing that you are not truly available at this point.

DO take care of yourself
DO show your WH that you are strong, and you are buuilding a new life for yourself
But DO NOT date.
No messages to your old boyfriends, no "harmless" conversations with other men. Nada. Pursue friendships with women who are strong, and stay away from men until you are completley divorced and fully available.
You need to heal yourself first - quit falling back into your old patterns of accepting abuse.

Do you realize that in most marriages people do not walk on eggshells all the time??

I'm sorry you're not feeling well WOF - please rest well!

Agreed. I have gone with the suggested version and will email it this afternoon when the locks have been changed. I want to send it now, but I wonder if I should stay patient until I am organized. We spoke this morning and he told me he wants to come to the house tomorrow night to see the kids. He said that it doesn’t matter if they are asleep etc. I didn’t respond either way. He told me I need to take responsibility for all the trouble I’ve caused and give him his money back. I told him he needs to take responsibility for his affair. He hung up.

He just sent a message “Why don’t you just leave me alone to go to work in peace. I took responsibility. If its not about the kids don’t ask. You have a lot of nerve telling me it was my choice to leave. Every single member of the band attacked mutual friend for being totally out of line and hold him and you responsible. You created this outcome and ultimately hurt your own children with your selfishness. Also, I bought and sold every car with my knowledge. You did nothing more than be a bystander. You constantly pissed away the profit and now your doing it again with no rollover.”

He is sending me copies of text messages that I sent to mutual friend which say that I hope things will work out but WH is in a bad mood and is back to trying to control and manipulate. Great. WH checks mutual friends phone and mutual friend does not delete messages.

I will only respond with my PBL.

I will try to purchase one on Amazon today. You can’t get the books in Australia from what I can see. I did read the articles on the website but I need to again.

It makes me feel so sick to think of their lies. Do I need to expose to her parents again on the eve of plan B? They would be mortified and would apply pressure from her home.

I wish my husband was a man who could honour his vows too.

I have actually been trying really hard health wise and getting stronger every day. Mentally I still struggle with being good enough for him. Every day away from his toxic words will be a blessing and a chance to believe in myself again. Today’s text message is another example.

I will – I don’t have any desire to date and am dedicated to this marriage or myself only.

Must get back to reading!

Actually, I didn’t realize that until you and other MB’s started posting to me. It sounds crazy, but I really always found a way to blame myself.


Should I send my letter now? Alarm code is changed. Locks at 3:30pm.

I did it.

Letter has been sent to his personal email account. He's at work so I sent him a text saying "you have email, always remember I love you".

I don't know the order that events will take, but he's going to be really mad. He's going to be furious when OW's dad talks to OW and she will call him and blah blah and OW's dad will talk to him too and then he will be off the charts furious. He won't want to lose us both at the same time!

I'm pretty scared of the reprecussions, he gets really mad. IM can handle him, IF he contacts her. I expect abusive text messages or phone calls or emails or all 3.

I know I need to be strong and not respond or read anything. Just forward it to IM and let her deal with it.

His family will get their Christmas cards tomorrow. It will be one day into plan B but I couldn't arrange it any earlier and I surprised myself by going into plan B so soon today.

I think he is staying with his dad or his brother on the other side of town. Not that it matters...

I checked his email and he hasn't read it yet. I promise I will stop checking once he gets the letter and we officially start plan B.

Ok, darkness. Might be time to change the topic name again.

ok, you should not read ONE SINGLE email or text message from him. Texts should be erased and emails should be BOUNCED to your IM without reading them. Are you prepared?

Good job!

WELL DONE ROCKY

YOU BEAUTY

Phew - updates...

I was ready, but he still got to me.

I was having a wonderful lunch with a group of clients so it was perfect for me to have my phone on silent. There were 10 missed calls at the end of lunch. (2 hours)

And, a text...

Now, I wasn't going to read it BUT you can only forward it when you open it which sucks because I am not that strong, yet.

So, it said "Thanks for your email. You arranged with me to see the kids tomorrow night and now the email? Its not fair to mess me around in this way concerning the children. Putting visitation in the hands of T is not acceptable. She isn't even available to me in business hours. Your parents would be acceptable".

He replied to my email, twice.

One said "OK"

The next, said "Would you still like me to come and see the kids on Wednesday night? I can be there ate around 5 or 5:30pm?"

IM had also called me and asked for his number. He had left her a message with no contact details. She called me back and wants to chat with me tonight. He told her that he would not accept her as the third party and wanted his brother or my parents. He thought it was ridiculous and would not talk to her at all about visitation etc. He mentioned our arrangements for tomorrow night which was him telling me he was coming and me saying the kids would be sleeping. Not a visit!

He said that she is in Sydney so this wont work. She calmly explained that family is not appropriate for this. It was up to 2M2L not him. She would give him email and phone contact.

She is a bit shaken, but determined. I will tell her to email you tonight ML. Actually, I might email you with her address and you can send her something too.

I wonder if he thinks that we mean she needs to pass the kids over to him and therefore she can't be interstate or if he just wants my parents or his brother so that he can push his weight around. Anyway, I get that this is not for me to worry about.

I told IM that this is completely normal. He wants to control the situation and is pushing. But, if he wants to see the kids then he has to abide by my rules.

He obviously hasn't heard from OW or her parents yet, but when he does and when he realises that he is missing out on rock and marshmallow, oh brother!

I forwarded all texts and emails to T and she is dealing with him. I have not broken the plan B. YAY.

Actually, I am so proud of myself so far. It's been almost 6 hours and I am ok and even feel stronger

OW's mum called me back to discuss it all. OW had told them that nothing is going on, she doesn't see him that way, she calls all her friends babe and tells them she loves them, he only hangs out with her after work when he's free, they just really love the same things blah blah blah. I set her straight, told her it was an affair and that her 19 yo daughter was an adultress in my book and one day she will understand that she has destroyed a family and prevented any chance for reconcilation. I made it clear that OW was the reason I was cutting of WH. No other reason exists.

OW's mum and dad have got the message and will be working hard to stop it and make it professional or off. I told them it has to be no contact and they would have to work it out between them. He has chosen his friendship over our marriage and if he wants his marriage, he will have to choose it over her.

YAY!!!

So, I LOVE YOU GUYS

You Rock!!

Good job!

It's tough to give up texting once you are used to using it - but consider giving it up on your phone plan for the time being. I shut texting off on my husband's cell when he started getting spam texts from advertisers - it was costing me $.25 each time they did that. So I removed his phone from texting privileges. You can remove yourself too and for your peace of mind, I'd suggest it.

good job, hang in there!! Please have your IM call ME when there are problems like this instead of telling you. You should not have seen his messages about his displeasure of her as a choice as IM.

See how he is trying to dictate the terms of your Plan B? It figures!

Oh yeah! Just saw mum and he called her today too. She told me the story about how he wants to use her and dad and I'm not listening or taking his calls and its unfair blah blah blah.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I said that she should say to him that all messages to 2M2L will be passed through IM and if it is not in accordance with PBL, it wont happen.

Anyway, he's being very sneaky as expected. I told them to expect more before it improves and why so I hope they stay strong.

What should I tell my family?

What do I tell his family?

What do I tell friends/work etc?

I have not responded to him at all and am being really strong. I feel the control and it feels great.

Got your email, thanks

I'll see how I go. I do love texting but I will just delete and not even forward it next time. I can let IM know that I deleted a text and she can follow him up that way.

My locksmith hasn't turned up yet and he finishes work at this time. Nothing like cutting it fine. Lucky he is on trains from work, but I'm still a little nervous to say the least.

www.koorong.com.au - they are in Brisbane as well. You can get harley books in Australia.

Fabulous work BK!

Thank you

I'm in Sydney - let me know if I can help you with any of your relatives or parents who don't understand the plans etc.

That would be terrific BK. I can give them your email address unless you have another idea.

Yep - email works best for starters.

Brilliant. I will give them access to my email: toomuchtoolose@yahoo.com.au

Cheers
2M2L

My email address is in my signature.

New message from WH:

"You are leaving me no choice 2M2L by making it this hard to see my kids. It is unacceptable. I am going to go to the courts tomorrow to file for custody of the children. You also have an intervention order on the way to you. I'm sorry but you chose to make things unfair and difficult."

I sent it to IM and she called. She is going to text him and tell him that he cannot get messages through by using mum and dad and I did not get the text message etc. He has threatened her with an intervention order too.

This sucks. He is very toxic today.

I am not being affected but I wish people would stop telling me things. I have explained it to parents and IM but I think everyone wants me to be informed.

How do I tell them what I need without sounding crazy?

I am going to order SAA tomorrow.

I half expect him to turn up at the house tonight actually. I hope he doesn't. I don't want this to get any more messy.

You can't file for in Australia. Everything is about mediation and then a court order based on what we both decide. We can do mediation separately so if he instigates it, we can do it that way.

He did call to speak to the kids tonight and asked my dad if he could speak to me too. Dad said he was really polite. Yeah - no wonder.

Keeping calm. Need to eat and clean.

See ya

Just remembered that her dad said that WH was planning to go on her international tour with her band later this year. That was the passport number question and the one WH denied. The QLD story was a cover.

OW's dad is fully on side and a lot of his mates (early 40's) have gone down this path with younger OW and ruined their lives. They are trying to explain it to the naive 19 year old and struggling. They are persistent and I can only hope for the best.

Ok, back to peace and tranquility and non-manipulation and control.

I want Aaaaahhhhhh not AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

So it begins...

WH has called mum, dad, IM. He refuses to use my IM and said he will take an intervention order out on her if she contacts him again. Has asked them all to get me to call him.

Then got his brother to call IM and then me. Boy was he abusive. He called IM and me names, threats, interventions, he'll go for custody, solicitors, b1tch for keeping kids from WH etc.

Would not listen to me at all. Constantly screamed at me. I hung up 4 times and kept it calm except for 2 times. I'm not proud that he got to me. I think I told him that he was a child and abusive etc.

The cheek of it was that he screamed to me that the visitation was ok for tomorrow and wanted me to agree with it. I stayed calm and firm and said that WH would need to contact IM and let her know. Battle...

In hindsight, I wonder if WH was listening.

I called his mum & explained it. She said it sounds like M is over and this has gone too far. Said WH has probably fed WH's brother all the info. I told her my reasons to do it (peace and space) and WH's reasons for space and that I wanted the affair to stop before anything would change and that he was mad at me for taking control of my life. I did ask her to mention to WH's brother that he is not to contact me or my family or IM if he is going to be abusive. Talking is ok, listening is necessary, but being a scary bully is not.

WH or WH's brother called his mum so I hung up the phone.

Now, I'm sitting here all wound up and nowhere to go.

At least the locks are changed

Maybe tomorrow I'll have some peace...