WH told me via IM that he is attendind DS11 band concert tomorrow. I'm trying to go dark- do I go? I want to see son, but worry that I'll be a mess if I see him. Veteran plan b'ers, what do you think?
BF439

Is there a way you can be there without seeing WH?

Is there another performance that you can go to instead?

I realized that he's got the kids that night. I can go when it starts and stand in the back and leave before it let's out.
BF439

PERFECT......

Yes.

apparently the concert on Thursday, my day with kids, so I guess I'll just take DS11 and just ignore WH -- unless someone else has a suggestion? T2L?
BF439

Whatever you do.... Don't look at him, don't acknowledge him and not one word.

Stay out of sight if at all possible.

You can manuever around this, you just have to be creative..

I'll have to think about if I can do this -- if I get there early enough, I will probably be fine and I can have WH take son home, so I can go without having to wait for son to see his dad. I'll have to think about it.
He called today, I assume to talk with the kids, but they weren't home yet. I just hung up on him. He can call them on their cell phones and he knows it.
It really does help to know that I don't have to interact with him or think about him on any given day. I've been in Plan B for a week (with the exception of the total masochistic conversations I had with his family yesterday).
BF439

Ello! Well, if it was me and I really wanted to go, i would go to another area where H cannot see you or come in maybe 5 minutes after it starts. Watch the show and sneak out before H can see you. You can then say to you munchkins that you enjoyed the performance and that you saw the whole thing. Grab a program guide so you can show that you were there too!

Staying dark during plan B is so important to me. If were gonna do a good Plan B might as well go for it all the way. Do your very best to not have him see you.

Your doing great, prolly better emotionally than me!

Enjoy the show....p.S. my computer is down I'm actually at a friends using the computer. Hopefully it'll be remedied by this weekend....

I do feel better today, but part of it is seeing my kids doing JUST FINE without WH. It reminds me that although I miss having WH around, I'm doing ok for them and me without him. I also just keep reminding myself that his choices are a reflection of HIM!!! Not me!!
It helps to have holiday stuff to get ready for, since that is something he never did anyway.
I've been trying to mentally block some of the worst thoughts (the stop sign idea helps or saying something over and over in my head) and then I can focus on the present.
I talked with a neighbor whose life always looked pretty idyllic, but whose husband has been gone since 2005 (alcohol abuse; an affair)and it was a huge reminder to me that we all have burdens and it really helped me to talk with her since she has been through so much, but is so strong for her kids. It also gave me some peace (strangely enough) that they are not divorced yet. There is no rush and taking care of me and the kids and trying not to go crazy is plenty to focus on!

BF439

Going to the concert soon -- gping to drop off son and get a good seat. I'll have him call his dad before and have his dad drop him off afterwards; that way I can leave as soon as its over and be home in jammies when DS11 comes home. It will also allow me to get lots of pictures of the cutie playing his baratone!!!
I'll post later tonight!!
BF439 reporting from Planet Awesome (the dark planet...)

If you are going to see him there, I would suggest you don't go. Plan B is not about ignoring him, but avoiding him altogether. Ignoring still means that you have to SEE HIM, which defeats the whole purpose of Plan B. Ask yourself if it would be ok for him to attend events with the OW and "just ignore" her?" If he would be triggered seeing the OW, then you will be triggered by seeing him.

From the MB weekend forum:

I probably shouldn't have gone, but I did not interact with him, so that helped. The 4-year old finally saw him and wanted to see him and I told her if she goes and sits with him, that she would have to have him drop her off, too.
Then I stood by the door for the last song and then left.
Just a little bit of yucky feeling, and then it was gone.
But, I think ML is right, I will have to avoid as much as possible for my own well-being.
Doing better every day on my own....
BF439

BF,

I can understand how difficult it is to maintain and stick to a TOTALLY DARK Plan B...but also have learned how important it really is.

My xWW and I did not have kids together so I don't have the opportunities for contact (via kids) that you went through today. But, in a strange way I have dealt with something similar. I still live in (our former) house/neighborhood. xWW moved in and lives with OM 20 minutes drive away.

There is a neighbor couple who lives across the street from me currently...they were "our friends" for some 8-9 years and the woman [KC] was very close with my (now) xWW. For a long time, during our S and after the D, my xWW would visit frequently and spend lots of time there. I saw her car and I saw WW/xWW coming and going, even when she did not see me (the usual course of events). KC & her husband "sold out" (IMHO) their Christian principles by validating and even enabling my xWW's A. I know they are not responsible for it but they did host "them" (WW/OM) at their house on several occaisions in 2007. I still see KC/H around the neighborhood and at church--they and I go to the same, even though I have barely spoken a word to them in almost 2 yrs.

It used to drive me crazy that my (now) xWW would still frequently come to my/her-old neighborhood and hang out with KC. I used to look for xWW's car and hope that she would not be there. I didn't want to see her or be reminded of her and the hurt she has caused me in any way, but was powerless to stop it. It was simply RUINING my Plan B...the only purpose of which at this point was to help ME RECOVER ME.

Finally, after a brief & continually foggy conversation with my xWW this summer, I put my foot down as best I could. I sent my xWW & her lawyer a letter in which I firmly indicated that I STRONGLY PREFERRED that xWW NOT VISIT my neighborhood anymore. Obviously, legally I cannot prevent that nor can I prevent xWW & KC being "friends", but merely said "if xWW & KC want to 'pal around', I ask respectfully that they do it elsewhere and out of my sight".

I'm sure that was initially not well received, but it does seem to have put them on notice and had the intended effect. Since Labor Day, I have seen xWW visit only 2-3 times and each time was quite brief. This is a marked decline in visitation/time as compared to before. I do not know if my letter caused it or if their friendship is "no longer what it was", but regardless of why, I have found it helpful and it has made me feel "safer" emotionally in my own neighborhood.

The point of this whole thing is that a TRULY DARK Plan B helps YOU recover faster and is best as much as possible. It used to set me back for weeks just when I saw her car and heard her voice from across the street.

I wish you the best in maintaining the darkest Plan B possible for your own healing...

Thanks SDCWman; I just posted on my other thread about how even seeing credit card statements takes me to a sad place.
I am learning that a very dark B makes me feel so much better about everything. When in doubt, go darker! I will be like Batman!!
Having kids with WH does make it difficult, but I have a good intermediary, so I just fight the temptation to see or hear him and go about my business and plan for some possible conflicts (i.e. I knew my 4 year old would be looking for him at the concert, so I just let her go to him and then left).

I think it was princemeggy who posted earlier today about the fears those of us in Plan B have about what our WH are really doing while we are dark and with the kids. That gave me a lot of peace to trust the process that going dark helps both people...
Have a good night, all, I'm going to find those comfy jammies and rangle the little ones off to bed!
BF439