My wife is moving to plan D. I have been doing plan A for only a week and today she told me she is going to see a lawyer! I can't belive a person can go from trying to have a baby with me to divorce in less then 2 and a half months! She kept telling me she wants to do it so we can have an "easy and fair" divorce. Can you believe that? Is there such a thing? Then she said that if we wait to long that she will find somebody and I'll get jelous and make the divorce harder for her. She has to be seeing somebody else who talks like that? I'm ready to hire a PI but the expose will be hard because her mom had an affair and thats the only family she really has.

KSM,

What do YOU want?

Do you want a divorce?

Do you want to work at saving your marriage?

Do you want to just let it all slide and see if she comes back when she gets tired of screwing around?

What do YOU want?

Thanks for the virtual slap i needed that. Its so hard to keep a clear head in times like this. I want to save my marriage. If she wanted it to be over so bad she would have done it already. I need to suck it up stick to the plan and keep moving.

Yup!

So, KSM, what IS your plan?

Mark

The plan is to stop all LBs and become the husband she wants me to be. During that time I must find out who she left me for and if she is still with that person or moved on to another person I need to do everything possible to break it off. Most important I have to look out for myself and protect myself against this person my wife has become. I'm reading all I can and know i must follow it to the T or it will not work.

KSM,

So how can you meet her ENs? Do you know what they are?

Do you know what Love Busters you commit routinely and how will you change your behavior to stop from continuing them?

Are you willing to work to those ends for about 6 months even if it means she doesn't show any signs of coming around?

What can you do to snoop without her finding out your sources and driving the A further underground? How can you find out who she is with?

Mark

Her ens are Affection, Sexual fulfillment, Honesty and openness, Financial Support, and her biggest one of all Family commitment. Honesty and openness and Family commitment is what I was lacking. I'm not a very open person and when we tried having kids and failed I didn't get my fertility testing done. I hate Doctors but after she left I got all the fertility stuff done and I'll find out the results next week.

When she first left and I didn't know about this site I commited every LB execept angry outbursts. I never raise my voice. I was begging her to come home and telling her why she should come home texting her trying to get her to come over. I stopped doing all that but I did have a relapse last weekend. I can keep this up for as long as it takes but what if she files for divorce? Can I stop it for 6 months? I guess I need to look at my rights here in florida.

As far as snooping is concerned I'm very tech savy and I assume she is with somebody but I can't prove it yet. I need to get some money together and get a PI for hard proof.

"Then she said that if we wait to long that she will find somebody and I'll get jelous and make the divorce harder for her."

Oh, she already has somebody. Could be someone from her old job, or new job. Did you find out why she was fired?

Things are starting to look up for me. She keeps telling me she wants a divorce and when she talks about it she says that I will have to pay her all the money she has spent over the marriage on the mortgage and I will have to buy her out of the house. I don't know where she is getting this info but we have negative equity on both of our houses (rental and primary) so that means she will get NOTHING! So that may change her mind. Also plan A is really starting to work with her she was here yesterday and I have the house super clean and I finally painted the hall way. The house looks great! She was trying to take some of her decorations but she said "I can't take that because it belongs there." My dog is doing plan A too because she licked my wife until my wife broke down in tears.

Another thing in my favor is that her mom is having problems with her boyfriend. This is no suprise to me because her mom was the OW and her boyfriend left his wife to be with her. Who would of thought a relationship built on lies would have problems? Anyway if her boyfriend leaves her she and my brother in law will be homeless because she cannot get a job do to disability. The only family she has is my wife and there is no way they can all stay in a 1 bedroom apartment! Our 3 bedroom home will be looking pretty good!

I also found out she has been hanging out with a guy that works at the gun range she goes to. Thinking back soon after she bought that gun and started going to the range by herself is when the club scene started and our marriage started having problems. Now I know what I'm dealing with.

I just told her I know about the affair. I found it plain as day on her facebook site. She said all the textbook things "We had problems for years... I didn't leave because of him... everything this site said she would say. I kept calm and assured her I had faith in our marriage. She's HOT now I'll give her some time to cool off.

Keeping SM

Man I can relate but man I strongly believe she does not to be with you... that is her choice. She married you willingly and out of her own free choice. You did not pull her arm to marry you and you cannot pull her arm to try to stay with you. I hav ebeen there and tried to beg my wife to stay with m when it was apparent she wanted to be with him. Gods word is the only comfort I get. She have to deal with God and you continue to remain faithful and take care of yourself. Keep your head up and know many men have gone through what you have bene through. There is HOPE. She must want you for you. Her happiness anf true happiness comes from God. Men can never fulfill that need only God can. Cling to God.

Why do women leave men for scumbags? The more I learn about this guy the more I wonder what she sees in him and why she is willing to give up everything for him. My wife is an amazing person and deserves the best. I know the fog will clear one day I just hope it happens sooner rather then later. I will stick to plan A for 5 more months if it kills me. Two days after confronting her about the A I am doing everything I can to stop myself from filing for divorce. The pain she caused me is almost unbearable. I want to divorce her and take everything from her to make her feel the pain she has given to me. This feeling will pass with time and I have to do the right thing no matter how painful it is. If she tries to D then I will drag it out as long as possible. Thank you my fellow MBers for the advice you have given me. I will continue to ask for advice and when I can I will contribute to the board.

I wish you all the luck in the world. My husband moved out on Thanksgiving and it sounds like we are having simular issues. We have been together for 10 years and he says he does not love and never has. I am trying all the techniques to restore the love that I can find but his opinion is that I can restore something that was never there.

Ally you came to the right place. This site has been a God send to me. She told me she never loved me too but yet she married me and was trying to have my child only 4 months ago. When they go wayward they say crazy things. The hardest thing is to keep your head up and not take it to heart. This will be the fight of your life but in the end you can look back at the result with no regrets.

Update on my WW...

She was living with her friend and was kicked out because she kept bringing that loser OM over to her house. Good for her! She has now got her own place and I just found our he is living with her. He is a 23 year old kid with an arrest record (DUI) and only works once a week. Why would anybody leave a person that makes a good living, owns his own business (but made sure never to work weekends to be with her), owns a big house and rental property, will love her for the rest of his life and has a family that loves her more then her own? I got to stop asking myself that because she is now an alien.

Plan A Carrot has had some moments but the stick is now out. I have her Mom on my side and she did all of the exposing for me. She sent out christmas cards with a little note attached. Not how I would have done it but it works! She also called the place the OM works at and did her magic there. Her Mom HATES the OM and wants to save her daughter as much as I want to save my wife.

My WW is going down a dark road I hope she will see the light.

KSM,

Please stop buying into the fog...that misty web of self-deceit.

OM/OW's are always a step down...usually way down.

Because they are not real. WW's and WH's make them up.

Learn this and stop dwelling, treasuring the OM. Stop making what he is not...in anyway a comparison to you.

Got it?

Same for others who are right where you are now on this thread...

If you live directed by how you feel...you feel love therefore you must love...then you will suffer greatly, and make so many others suffer greatly in this life.

If, however, you hold to reality, not the fantasy, that you CHOOSE who you love...and you have, KSM...every single day you've chosen your wife to love, be present for and fight for...even when you don't feel like it...then you KNOW you are acting from your choice to love...and your loving feelings follow.

Which is how the fog begins...a wayward state of mind summary by an MB member Gimble: An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

WW lived backwards...wasn't feeling loving feelings...frustration, expectation, resentment, built into entitlement and lacked respect for the marriage and reality...brought this on.

It gives the WS the perspective they never loved in the first place...or they love but aren't in love...blah blah blah...or they now believed their partners married them for convenience, whatever. Same song, different words.

Don't buy into this...not real, not what they really believe...it's what they had to think to permit them to wreck another person to the bone...to destroy families...justifications to support their entitlement, fueled by their resentment.

They believe you and others made them resent...another fantasy, another lie. They created, nutured and maintained/maintain their resentment...otherwise, their entitlement falters and the lack of respect becomes more visible.

Respect back...listen and repeat when they speak..."I hear you saying you believe now that for 13 years you have not loved me, is that correct?" Calm, really from reality-base...you're asking her to clarify or confirm what is solely hers...not the truth, just hers, right now. Hand it back. It's not about you.

You are loved. You have been loved. You aren't crazy and loving feelings DO stop coming when WE stop acting from love. You can't act from love and resentment at the same time. Stop yourself from reacting to your fear and know when you're feeding it to yourself. Stop going into her stuff...that's what she did, stopped owning her own choices, her feelings, her perspective...and she made it about you...replacing you with better.

There is no one better. You are separate and equal human beings...made by the same hand from the same material. You sure can experience your partner as if they were abducted by aliens.

The aliens from Planet Resentment.

Inject respect and you will not be a doormat...you cannot convince someone they are deluded...for they have worked hard for a year to delude themselves, 'k? What you can do is know and bring reality...share it with her mother, your family, the gun range, her friends.

Please note...your WW didn't have healthy boundaries. When you marry, you stop having close relationships with single friends...and you need to really own that you harmed your marriage greatly when you helped her move out...that was you attacking the marriage...and that you would not do so again. You won't move her mother in, you will in no way (financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually) enable anyone's infidelity at any time. That's your goal, your code. You honor and respect marriages.

Best marital boundary regarding friendships are for BOTH of you to only have friends of your marriage...other couples who support your marriage before either one of you. People who know and love who you are together. Not one friend or the other...

Funny thing that struck me about waiting to have children until you were financially and situationally ready...like putting God on hold...then you're set...and you think a year is a long time to wait on God...when he waited a long time on you guys...

See, that comes from my own shame of not having done what you guys did right...I had kids out of wedlock, kept doing things backwards...and like your wife...lived in resentment, justifying, instead of really living, and loving, as the being I was created for.

So this thought that struck me was a thought to the whole...not a linear success line...narrowly done...a big round pie that said to get this signal...you both worked hard for your goal...and you made a goal not something in your control...and to top that...you were used to getting what you wanted, when you wanted it and in the way you wanted it...her moreso than you (the spending). Each with their part...now you know so much more...learn more...see where you trip yourself up, your own self-deceit (like this will endear her to me to help her break up our marriage by moving her out and into someone else's arms)...

We do a lot of damage to ourselves. And we see it as solely coming from the other person. Or we see nothing of it but all our fault...healthy lives in the middle, 'k?

Mind what you do to yourselves...where you choose to dwell in your thoughts...examine your beliefs...understand your feelings and do not react to them...even if you "feel" like fighting for your marriage...for your self-deception. We lie to ourselves to manipulate our feelings to be different...so we're a little wayward, too...

So do not spend time in yearning for her to see the light...spend your time being the light.

LA

Wow I cannot believe what my wife has told me in her fit of rage. It was the most hateful stuff anybody has ever said to me. Her Mom and I did a double exposure thing. She exposed to her family I exposed to friends and confronted the OM. I tried my best from not making a LB during the whole thing but she told me how she cheated on me 3 years ago in Vegas during a business trip. That set me off so I hung up on her and waited awhile then answered her raging texts she was sending me as best as I could. After she screamed at me she did the same to her Mom. How does this help me? Won't this put her in the OM arms?

I had a feeling I was betrayed before but had no proof. Now I have proof and the feelings I had after the last D day are back again. I still love her, still can't decide if I want to be with her. Plan D is sounding like a good option right now but I still can't pull the trigger. I have known her for 14 years and most of the time we were happy but the last few months have been the worst months of my life. I don't think I will hear from her for awhile so I will have time to calm down and think with my head and not with my emotions.

Well, they all get very ugly and spit venom when they are exposed. Ride it out. She will go on and on and say she never loved you, you have gone too far, she would have thought about being with you, but now she won't, you are crazy, how could you do this, blah, blah, blah.

believer is right.

Think of it this way: Exposure is an acid that eats away at the affair. Your wife is shrieking at you because the soft focus pretty fantasy has been ripped away. Secrecy feeds affairs. Bam! No more secrecy!

Good on your mother in law. Now you have a fighting chance to recover your marriage.

Yes, my mother in law has been great in this. My wife will be spending her Christmas alone with her OM because of her. Our friends have not been so helpful most don't want to get involved and one of our friends told me she seemed happy. People don't fight for marriages as much as I thought. I would be glad to help them if the table was turned. I do have one of our friends on board she has already caused conflict in the affair before I even asked her to.

I guess this is a good way to find the good friends and weed out the bad.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone! I have to wake up early and smoke a 14lb turkey for dinner tomorrow. Good Stuff!

True is these relationships never, usually, last. One day she'll wake up and realize that she's with a free-loader and he isn't as appealing as he once was. She may find her way out of the fog; but, when that happens she may find out that it's too late and you've moved on with someone that will treat you with honesty and respect that you DESERVE!