Thanks ML. Great suggestions and I have emailed her a calendar now. It made me so sad to have to arrange a Christmas without my kids or my H. This is so hard!!!!!!

I have had a sad morning so far and really feel the weight of it all on my shoulders. My mind keeps taking me to the good times over the past months. There actually were quite a few of them and I miss him so much.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

How many marriages recover after plan B?

huh? you mean it is sad your husband won't be there for Christmas, dont you? Your kids should be WITH YOU for Christmas! Your H needs to know what it will be like as a single man. And he gets the kids on Christmas Eve for 3 hours and you get them Christmas Day.

Also, by her sending him a calendar with an offer to visit, he will look ridiculous and DIFFICULT if he tries to refuse!

The Family Relationship Centre lady just rang and said she did see him yesterday.

He is refusing to use the third party that I have requested and is making it very difficult.

He wants mediation. I said I would not do mediation together, would need to be separate rooms.

BUT I would always use my choice of IM. She is the spam filter, not creating arrangements.

The mediator said that I need legal advice. Looks like both parents need to be in agreement on third party involvement.

It also looks like we are off to the courts. I explained that I wanted to remain flexible and this was the best arrangement for him and the kids etc.

She is going to send us both a certificate saying that mediation will not work for us because she cannot see us coming to an arrangement.

AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I wanted peace and darkness today.

I miss my husband so much that I'd almost take the WH just to have someone that looks like him around for the fake cuddles during the photos. Sigh.

Hope you see my other post, it's getting messier!

I agree about getting legal advice - but I doubt the mediator knows what an intermediary is or does and I doubt you have to be in agreement.

IF you got an AVO against your husband he wouldn't be permitted to contact you anyway. You are afraid for your safety and mental well being so this is an option I would consider.

An AVO kind of goes against reconcilation with WH...

I just spoke to legal aid and mediator again.

Legal aid will call me but there is no problem with my mediator. She understands hurt etc but is worried about kids.


Spoke to mediator and I will see her next week and take my calendar of times. Apparently WH wants to see a lot more of the kids including week nights and I said that the kids are in bed when he gets home and I don't want him in the house etc.

She said she understands, but that's what he wants. I said I am willing to discuss his proposal but any changes must go through my IM to filter hurtful things.

Role of IM was confused by WH and mediator. I will take paperwork and ML's quotes to meeting next week. I hope WH will change his mind when he realises it will help us both.

We will try mediation. Me first next week for my side of the story. Then, together in week after. They have separate entrances and separate rooms and we will not see each other. Official documents passed only.

It might work and still complies with my plan B apart from IM.

Is this ok?

2Much, stop right there. This is your WS trying to dictate the terms of your plan B again. NO CAN DO! You gave him your conditions and that is that. What YOU want is to end contact with this man. You should not change your terms unless a COURT orders you to do so.

Get a lawyer, 2Much, and tell him what you want and that you expect him to represent your interests. Meaning you do not want your H in the house unless and until he ends his affair and agrees to work on the marriage. That is not negotiable. BUT...you will give him liberal visitation.


It doesn't matter what is on his mind, he is an abusive adulterer from whom you need protection. What matters is what is on your mind.


Dr HArley DOES NOT advocate mediation at all. Mediation does not take into account the state of mind of your spouse. It is tantamount to negotiating with at TERRORIST.

Wow - that's heavy.

Should I wait until next week and cancel the mediation?

Or, do I go to the individual session but not any further.

Am I letting him get his way by going to her?

I think I get it. I should pull out and force him through the courts. I have nothing to hide and everything to lose.

I agree an AVO is upping the ante - but it can be set aside once he ends his affair.

HE is upping the ante - and he needs to know you are serious and can't be pushed around by him. That is what he wants to do - he wants to control you and you are raining on his parade because you are not following his fantasy script.

I think a court will insist on mediation - but I wouldn't necessarily agree to anything. Listen and ask questions and tell the mediator you will have to seek advice.

You have to appear co-operative IMO.

2Much, I am saying get an attorney ASAP and tell him what you are trying to do and see what he thinks. But remember, most attorneys want to faciliatate an amicable divorce. You do not want a divorce at all. You just want your H to stop his abuse. You would want the atty to negotiate visitation for you that complies with your Plan B.

The legal aid solicitor will ring me today. It's a free service so that's my preferred option at the moment.

I will try and get him to act on my behalf in terms of the PBL. Do I get him to send the visitation schedule to WH? Does he enforce my IM?

I'm a bit confused about what action to take with the solicitor.

Keep in mind, that your child visitation schedule will be a mirror image of what he will have after a D, should it come to that. It is always interesting to me when people say "he is going to stop by the house to visit the kids" Uh, no, he isn't. He chose to leave the family, and the house.

In a D, he will no longer have acces to the house. A D means he is no longer married, so he no longer lives with you. A D means that you are free to date, and remarry. you would not want this man having child visitations at your home, with your new H. the schedule you set up now, is a vision of his life as a single man.

Just keep that in mind. I know that your desire is to never get divorced - but set up the visitation schedule now, the way it would look if you ended up divorced.

You're right. Any in-trouble marriages with children need to go through mediation in Australia.

I love your opinion about listening and then seeking advice. I can show correspondence trying to arrange the visitation and staying flexible.

Why isn't WH dancing in the streets with his new found freedom? Last time he left he went for 6 days without calling them and almost 2 weeks without seeing them. It was hard on me but I am craving that space now!!!

This is super advice too WOF. I had wondered what I would say to contest his requests to see the children after they are in bed at night. It is one thing to do that when we are together in the house as a family but another entirely as co-parents in separate houses.

Thank you for the clarity.

another thing - he is going to make all sorts of threats about how he is going to take the kids away from you, he is going to make you pay, he is going to drag you through court, etc. But it is all just threats, an attempt to control you.

I used to hear all the threats too. and it terrified me. I realize now, that a WH is not going to spend all the time and money it takes to really follow through with their threats. Filing papers in court costs money - they would rather spend their money on beer. And it also takes time. you have to find out what office to go to, get the papers, fill them out, go back and wait in line to file..... it is a long, ugly process. It would take time away from hanging out with OW. Rarely does a WH actually follow through w/ any of those threats. So don't worry about what he "might" do. Just take it one day at a time.

Why?????

Well you aren't being a good little doormat and playing your part of the script he had written for you in his mind.

I would do all correspondence with him through your IM. Use the solicitor to keep you on the right side of the law. You are doing NOTHING wrong using an intermediary.

I guess I have been on this roller coaster for so long and have worried so much everytime the phone rings, or doesn't, eveytime he comes home, or doesn't and I need to get used to NOT checking up on him and NOT thinking about the unknown.

It's a hard habit to break. I logged on to his email today to check his availability for visitation. I stopped when I realised how stupid that was and just did what suited me. But, it's hard.

Have the IM send him the visitation schedule TODAY along with instructions that the exchange should take place at your parents. You cannot even trust him to come to your home. In the email tell him this is suggested and ask him if he wants to make any changes.

If he refuses, then he looks liek the [censored]. Have her keep a copy of everything.

Tell your atty that your H is having an adulterous affair wtih a 19 yr old and has abandoned you. <---------you need to start saying this EVEYR TIME to every character who comes in the picutre so they understand the gravity of this situation.

Then give him complete background on Plan B and ask him the best way to achieve your goals. Let him guide you, but DON'T allow him to guide you along the path of least resistance. They often try and do this to make their job easier. nononnononnononooo You are protecting yourself from his mental abuse.

ALL they are are THREATS - he cannot take action on them. He IS getting an education right now in family law in Australia and he will be shocked to see it doesn't follow his script either. Shcking isn't it.