:MrEEk:

Yikes!!

You know, that name does sound familiar. Maybe he had some in Tennessee and...where is it that a lot of entertainers go? Oh yeah...Branson, Missouri.

We had Mickey Gilley here, though, as I'm sure you know. He opened a regular restaurant at a different location a few years after Gilley's burned down but I think it eventually folded.

Charlotte

Skald has always been defensive about his beliefs about anything and it has gotten much worse since the beginning of the A. That has always been one of the biggest LBs and has quickly become THE worst.

Sorry about the t/j, drgnfly!!

Charlotte

That's okay....was actually quite funny. LMAO about most of it. Laughing is good. So is chicken.

drgnfly,

It was an intentional t/j on my part. I was hoping you might smile for a couple of moments.

We're still here.

Thanks. So am I.

How did you get past all the times your W broke NC? How did you react? What's the best way to deal with this and move forward?

drgnfly,

I've always said if you can't laugh about infidelity, what's the point of having it?

(that's sarcasm BTW).

Heck yeah!!

'Specially FRIED chicken. HOME fried!

Charlotte

I hope you won't mind my butting in here, drgnfly and piojitos. I'm a very unhappy survivor of repeated contact and I want to urge you to "walk', in some way drgnfly, LONG before you reach the stage of indifference. Before you reach indifference you will go through mental breakdown. You cannot afford to let that happen.

I don't think that there is any way to stop a WS from making contact. It does not matter what transparency skald offers drgnfly. As she says, he knows OW's number and he can contact her any time he likes. He can do so from work by phone or internet. He can use a public phone or an internet cafe. He can set up an email account that he only accesses when he is out of the house. Although he has given you access to his mobile phone, he can get a secret mobile and keep it at work, where drgnfly has no access.

Why should drgnfly even think of monitoring all these kinds of activities? BSs should not act as policemen. If skald wants to contact OW he should know that he is free to do so. drgnfly should let him get on with his relationship and end hers with him until he no longer wants to contact OW. drgnfly, why would you want to force someone to be with you if he wants to be with someone else? Forcibly cutting off contact is forcing him to give up OW. Surely you want him to WANT to give her up. He does not want that yet.

What he says about sitting outside your house etc. shows that he wants you and his marriage, but his calls to OW show that he wants her too. His refusal to "let you give up on him" (or however he is putting it) shouldn't affect your decision to stay away from a man who wants to be with a woman other than you.

I don't quite agree with piojitos that cutting off money from a non-earning spouse cuts off the affair. In these days of the internet it is perfectly possible to have daily contact with no money at all.

I live in England. Here, local authorities provide free internet access for one hour per day to each library member, at branch libraries. Our libraries are open 7 days per week.

I have no internet at home, but I can use my library ticket, and my two children's, and so get up to three hours' free internet use a day. I don't actually have to have my ticket on my person; I log in using a membership number and pin. It would be hard for a working husband such as you, pio, to monitor your stay-at home-mum wife and stop her going out for one hour (or even 20 minutes to quickly check and send a message).

If any such free internet system exists where you were living when the affair was discovered pio, it was possible and easy for your W to keep in daily contact.

Spying on a suspected WS is necessary for a BS, so that she knows what is going on and can plan her future. Policing a WS and trying to force NC is degrading and ultimately self-defeating.

I don't have any advice on Plans B or D for you, drgnfly, but I know, from bitter experience, that you will facilitate skald's contact if you continue as you have been. You did not know how he felt about OW and whether he was contacting her until now, so you had no choice but to go with his words. Now you know that he has been disguising his feelings even while posting here and seemingly committing to recovery. There is no reason to believe that this won't happen again, now.

I don't have time to post my story of my H's repeated contact with his OW, but if you check my posts you will see the story in the first few, on tully's thread.

You don't deserve this, drgnfly. My heart goes out to you.

Hi 'fly.

I realised early on in recovery that it would be quite exhausting for me to police NC on behalf of my (then)WW.

So I turned it around. I set a personal boundary of UTTER transparency of activity.

I required that Squid demonstrate her total transparency at all times in order for me to continue to invest in our marriage.

MY how she raged at this ! Because, of course, she had been in regular sneaky contact with OM.

If she did anything I asked about and got a rubbish answer I'd remind her that I needed transparent NC just as a basic for me to stay working on our M.

In a short time Squid did this. I was deluged with supporting information regarding who / what / where / when / why of her activities.

I DID still continue to "trust but verify", but it was far less exhausting than doing it to "catch out" a sneaky wayward.

Such transparency is now normal between us and causes no resentment. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Hope this helps.

Bob

SugarCane,

While I like to try to be optimistic, I agree with what you are saying based on my own history.

I made myself sick over repeated NC violations, monitoring, paranoia. It made me into someone I didn't want to be.

I finally reached a point where I decided that it was not my job to keep my spouse from having an A - that is her job. I still feel that way.

It is my belief that skald will never be capable of doing what it takes based on his posts to his thread. Subconsciously some people want to fail and they manipulate others into being their downfall. Skald fits that for me. He says it is up to drgnfly to see if this M is saved or not then qualifies it as it is up to her to see if she will give him the chance. His head just isn't in the right place. He can't stop contact which means he will never get over OW and will destroy any remaining love drgnfly has for him.

He should either leave and go with OW or fall all over himself to keep drgnfly. This guy is in the middle. That's a bit unusual - at least for MB. He needs to decide what he wants. I don't think drgnfly should necessarily walk right now. She is in a better position to know but I see things getting worse before they get better (if they get better).

{{{drgnfly}}}}

Don't believe anything your WH has to say until it is backed up by actions. If he can't give you NC today, then Plan B to shield yourself from his cruelty. Don't give in to his promises as he is not a man of his word.

Charlotte, why did I not know we were neighbors? I remember going to Gilley's before it burned down. I remember being so embarrassed by Urban Cowboy.

ETA: Oops! Sorry for the T/J!

I don't think anyone but you call yourself "imbecile".
You can't trust him. You should not "try" to trust him.

Recovery of trust after infidelity starts with the BS learning to trust herself.
You cannot trust yourself to know what is fact and what is emotional blowback.

Concentrate your efforts on yourself. NOT on Skald the fallen.

What do you trust about Drgnfly? I know from experience that it is likely you don't trust yourself to know a lie when someone you love is telling you something you want to be true.

Check your bullcrap meter - if the words do not match behavior - it's deja moo once more.

If the words are not humble - it's deja moo.
If there is an undercurrent of anger/resentment/whining .... do not trust.

Trust this ~~~> YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TRUST YOURSELF once more when you stop "trying" to trust Skald.

Don't trust him.
Trust yourself.
Trust yourself that in the future you will recognize humble and sincere effort on Skald's part to be a better man, a better human being. This may not even begin for another 6-12 months!

Don't look at Skald for answers - look to God to lead your way.

Remember this, Skald needs to reach up and out - do not reach down to lift him. His efforts to help himself are his only salvation. Any help you give him robs Skald of the opportunity to "man up" , as we say around here.

Pep

I do believe that skald has finally come to feel true remorse for his actions. The one thing about him I've always been able to trust were his tears. Skald is NOT someone that can "turn on the waterworks". In 14+ years he's only cried a handful of times and those were extremely emotionally hard times and the day our daughter was born. No matter how well he can lie and turn on the anger and bad stuff, he's never been able to make himself cry.

Don't get me wrong here - I'm all too happy to see him suffer like that. To finally feel the pain of what he's done. It's way overdue.

Skald is willing to do a lie detector test, put a keylogger on the computer, he gave me his phone, and we are writing the letter of NO CONTACT together. We plan to post it on our threads to make sure we have everything covered before we send it out. I am also sending a copy to OWH. He deserves to see the steps taken too.

I have informed OWH about the recent contact. She has been crawling back to him crying that she misses him and the boys. She has done this to him with multiple men. He and I talked about it and came to this theory: Women often look for someone like their daddy. Her dad had an affair and left his wife for the other woman. He treats his daughter like a princess and she gets whatever she wants, so it makes sense that she wants someone like her daddy that will leave his wife for her and spoil her completely - that's her ideal man. She is a truly messed up individual. I guess it goes to show how much impact an A can have on the children.

Pep, that is some of the GREATEST advice I have EVER read.

I can see it as life-changing.

Blessings,

Skald and OW are (currently) equally matched in the ethics department.

His (apparent) remorse does not render him trustworthy.
His emotional ups and downs are not things recovery can be built upon.

Be very careful about your wishfull thinking right now.

.... sound like someone you know? Skald maybe?