very tough. I see the point, and yes I guess her telling me she does not think it will work with us makes me see I really have no options anyway. I just dont want this to be seen as vindictive, despite my feelings about W and OM, I still do not want to ruin the life of OMW and children, and yes I understand that OM is doing that already. Very scared at this stage.

It seems that most therapists see the lack of conflict as a sign of positive progress.

This is not the case with As! You want to CREATE conflict in your W's world in order to break up the A. The more conflict your WW experiences over her poor choices, the better.



I wouldn't be surprised. There's no guarantee that exposure would be successful. Just like there's no guarantee that if you pull the trigger on your gun, you're going to hit your target. However, exposure still remains one of the best A-busting weapons in your toolkit, particularly if used correctly.

And bear in mind, when your therapist mentioned those "few couples", did he also know about the intention behind the exposure? Did the BSs do it to save their Ms, or out of vindictiveness?



Ok, I get it. You are more concerned about her job and her livelihood than about the destruction of your M. Simple then - offer her a D and get on with your life.

Oh, and expose to the OMW - she needs to know anyway.

And stop telling her ILYs - she's a WW and not open to hearing that from you anyway.

If we are not living together and each time we have spoken about the marriage we are ending in a fight, how does this method come across as not being vindictive? I have read HNHR, and am reading SAA but I do not see this being adressed to the point of after the exposure, because right now she is not convinced this can work, and she definitely does not want to move back.

I am not clear on if I do this what the next step after is, tough to meet EA of WW when they refuse to see/speak to you.

...then you stop speaking about M at this point. Your WW is not open to that discussion yet. Any M or R talk at this point is likely going to anger your WW more than anything else.

However, there is still a chance for your M if you take steps, like exposure, to bust up the A.

OTOH, there is NO chance for your M if you take the conflict avoidance path and not do those things that introduce enough conflict to end the A.

At what point after exposure do I indicate this was done to save our M. You pointed out any discussion of M or R is pointelss. So, I expose, she either communicates, verbally, written, or thourgh friend or family she is done with me. What is my response? At one point I brought this up to her not knowing about this site and concepts, and she accused me of threats. So my final question before I do this, how do I convey what I did was out of love and not to ruin W and OM's?

There is no point to talk about recovery until the affair is over.

Avoid the subject. She won't hear what you are saying. Do not bring up marriage or divorce. All you can do after a WS says she wants a D is for you to say divorce is not what you want. Then change the subject.

Classic WW response after she learns that she has been exposed is anger. Which passes after a few weeks. During this time WW will say you blew it, she was considering coming back, but not now after this, etc....

Your response is to stay calm and tell WW that you only told the truth. Then change the subject. Use your time to plan A the best you can.

Simple. Explain to her, "I am only trying to save our marriage. You being involved in an affair does nothing to help our marriage. If this affair is such a good thing, why are you afraid of people finding out? I only speak the truth and if YOU are Ashamed of YOUR actions, then stop taking those actions.

My heart aches for the decisions i made today. I contacted OMW and W's work. As I feared she told me she is done with me, she said she will lose her job and that I have lost her. I explained my reasoning to save our marriage as this was the only thing I could do. She said calling the OMW was one thing, causing her to lose her job is another. I said this was for them to stop the affiar and cease communications, she said this will cost them both their job and that I did this out of vengence, so F me. Any semblance or chance we had is absolutely gone. She said she planned on someone telling OMW but thought it would be my father or brother.

For her job she started crying as she just started a new job in the same company and the affair had nothing to do with her job, she still did her job. She said I cost her her family, her job. I can not beleive I did this, she said I am also responsible for the actions of her losing her job. She said this has zero impact on her job, and that I took this away from her. She had an affair and she said I deliberately tried to hurt her. She did not care I contacted his wife.

She said i have hurt her beyond repair and hopes I am proud of myself I said I wasnt she said I'm glad. I greatly fear this was the wrong thing to do.

She has reacted normally.

It WAS the right thing to do.

Her anger will subside. This will not cost you your marriage.

All Waywards react the same way. No one wants their dirty laundry aired in public but you have taken a huge stand for your wife and your marriage. One day, she will see that.

Your wife doesn't want to look like the bad guy. She was more than happy to paint you as the horrible husband that MADE her do it and you burst the bubble.

OMW is going to be furious and WW and OM are going to be running in circles putting out fires and trying to justify their mistakes.

Anger will pass. Stay firm and just say that you did what you did to save you marriage. She will blame you for everything. Just stay firm. Just stay relaxed. No one said this would be easy but you are trying to save your marriage with proven techniques. It's the best chance you have. She is not committed to making your marriage work now so what do you have to lose?

Did you really see yourself as best friends with her and her new husband anyway? You have nothing to lose!

The usual WS baloney. You "lost" her as soon as she decided to have an A, and it was her choice to have an A that led to this sequence of events.


Don't try to "reason" with a WW! They're not open to that, and they will use your words against you. Make "statements", not "explanations", and keep them short, simple and to the point. And certainly no pleading or defensive behaviour.

BTW - She's responding EXACTLY as a WW would. It's what happens after she's calmed down that really counts.

noclue

"I contacted OMW and W's work"

Who did you contact a W's work?

"causing her to lose her job is... she said this will cost them both their job and that I did this out of vengence"

Tell your WW that: Her affair with a co worker caused her to lose her job. If her job was that important, WW would of not put it it risk by having an affair.

Did we not tell you she would get mad, tell you that the marriage is really over now?

WW is upset that she may have to end her affair and will lose OM. WW is upset because the truth is out. Everyone now knows that she has been slutting around.

WW has been putting her self out there as the victim. She is mad that she got caught and everyone now knows that you are the true victim.

Last, WW is worried that the OM is going to throw her under the bus and stay with his BW. Which will force WW to realize that she was nothing but a F toy to the OM.

Where do I go from here? I have a call with Steven Harley tommorow. And actually, she was not that upset about the OMW knowing, it was more her job. She said this did nothing to interfere with her job. I said exposing what you were doing to OMW and work would get this out in the open and end the affair.

Typical WS-Speak. They care about nothing but themselves and their "fix". Hang tight, and practice Plan A as much as you can.

I contacted a 3rd party that handles any code of conduct issues for her company. I explained the details behind the A, what they have been doing at work and during company hours and business trips. I remained anonymous, however when my WW called me @ midnight I knew as OMW said she was going to tell OM who told WW I called the company. She asked if I called work and I said I did. OMW does not think either would be fired, perhaps moved to different business lines in the company.

Good job. I agree , do not argue with her. Do not accept her twisted reasoning. Just remain firm and tell her it's too bad she brought this on herself.

also last night she wanted to know when I will be out of the house next to get the rest of her stuff. I would assume it makes sense to communicate this with her, or through her friend she is staying with as I asked her yesterday afternoon if she would be comfortable mediating any discussions if it came to that.

Did you expose to her other friends, family, church pastor, anyone else? All I see is work and OMW. She needs to feel the pain of judgment by the important people in her life; she needs to have the A feel slimy and nasty now.

The only thing you should be doing right now is Plan A. Be the nicest, most attractive man on earth. As her A crumbles around her and she starts looking at you again, she needs to start thinking, 'hmm, he wasn't really that bad, was he?' No relationship talk at all, just happy thoughts. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to help her move her stuff out, but you can still be gracious and nice to her.

btw, you did the right thing exposing (though you need to make a bigger exposure). It is the only way she will end the affair and clear the fog she's in.

After two attempts to bring this issue up, I found out 11/3 we didnt talk until 11/5. 11/4 I called WWM and told her her about the A. Older sister has basically written her off. Younger, who looked up to WW is embarassed and ashame to call her sister. WWM last week after recieving hearfelt letter from WW told me she felt I was dishonest about not revealing to her the problems in the marriage. I explianed I understood, but I did not see the problems so clearly, and though not 10% happy was more than content and would have never thought this could happen on either part. This weekend I relayed to WW sister same message, and asked her to again inform her mother I do not shre the feelings ww expressed, at least not to that degree and certinaly not that bad times outweigh the good. WW's family knows everything, WW has crucified me multiple times for destroying her family, for weeks I took the blame and did not tell our family or friends until a few days ago. My best friend two doors down and his wife already know. I think a coworker or two know. My closest friends (many are mutual) know.

It probably won't take long, then, before they either give up the affair, or break off from everyone and go on their own. You have kids? If so, don't let them be moved out of their home. If she wants to leave the house, that's one thing, but she shouldn't be allowed to uproot the kids just so she can continue an affair.

You're doing a great job! Have faith, ok?