After 8 years in love and 1 1/2 years in turmoil we have decided to call it quits. A part of me isn't sure how I feel about this. I hated what we had become. I hated him. Now i'm just trying to cope with my new life as a single mom. I'm not scared or upset about being without HIM. I am scared that I can never "love" again. Or if I would ever want to.
This is my second failed marriage and I know I contributed to this mess but I also know I loved this man with my whole heart. I gave him everything I had and it seems like basically that wasn't good enough. I gave up at least 6 months ago. I wanted back something he wasn't willing to give me back and I have grown to resent him so much for that. I made some stupid mistakes and he is unforgiving (NEVER infidelity). I can only say i'm sorry (with all my heart) so many times. He chose to not let it go and I cannot control that. That is what makes it easy to let go of him.
I was a work at home mom and was always "there". I earned a living and took care of everything. When I got burned out and wanted more out of life he felt like I was pulling away. That was never the case. I wanted a new direction that included him every step of the way. I wanted to have friends and have some fun. I NEVER asked for anything unreasonable. But to him it was. It was a threat to him. He was perfectly content with confining me to our home with no one but the kids and him. He felt like everything I did had an negative alterior motive. Another resentment that continued to grow.
Now i'm on my own for the first time in 20 years and that is truly scary. I went straight from my first marriage to this one and have never really been on my own. I look forward to that and yet at the same time it scares me to death.
What I miss the most right now is having someone to talk to every night about my day and the kids and politics. I have lots of friends but that just isn't the same. I lost my best friend in him and i'm stuggling with that so much. I keep telling myself it hasn't been the same in a long time but there were at least little moments that we both let our guard down and communicated about the little things. I miss the little things.
I really don't want to be alone. I just want to be happy....and to feel again.

How did this second marriage start? was it a result in breaking your first marriage? I'm interested because I've left my husband of 6 years recently, and I'm involved with a married man. lol I know insane. If I had a friend who was doing this, I would probably slap her across the face...I know what I'm doing is wrong, so does the OM... Regardless, I've jumped from the pot to the fire (so to say) and am looking to see if anyone in here has gone through what I'm going through...

I've been getting great advice here, but how many of them have actually been the "other woman". Not saying that you were, just seeing who's had similar experiance to mine.

My second marriage ended abruptly with infidelity (his) and I had the same fears as you. I also moved rather quickly from the first to second (about 16 months from separation to meeting WstbxH and then about a year later we moved in together). When WstbxH dropped the bomb I suddenly went to feeling that I didn't have enough time to do all the stuff I wanted to do, to having WAY TOO MUCH time on my hands to dwell on being alone. Funny how that happened since his leaving meant I had to take care of all of the household chores by myself including the ones he used to do. And the thought that I had faild at marriage not only once but twice was totally demoralizing. It doesn't help that statistics show that each successive marriage has an even poorer chance of success. It's so easy to fall into a pit of despair.

But guess what - you don't stay there. Gradually you start to work through the little fears. Some of it you have to do proactively - find groups to join and ways to fill your time. Volunteering is really good. Other things just need time for you to work through. You are grieving a loss. Not just the loss of your husband, but the loss of your family structure, the loss of future plans, the loss of children you haven't had - all sorts of things. Each one of these will need it's own grieving cycle. It's overwelming at first because there is so much but you do get through it.

You said that the two of you had been together for 8 years and that you hadn't been alone for 20 years. Was this relationship started as an A when you were with your first H? That would explain to me why he was content when you were confined to the home and threatened when you wanted things to change...possibly afraid you would meet someone else. That was my reaction when reading your story.

Regardless, its best to try and not think of what could've happened and could've been. I'm having problems with this myself now and we would both be much better suited to look at everything we have going for us and what's to come.

novembergirl

You are have SF with another woman's husband.

What you feel and do if some OW was doing your WH?

Please answer.

To be honest I don't know what I would do if it was the other way around. none of it matters anymore. I ended it last night. I made him go back. I did not do it in a letter(suggestion from here) but in person. We both know that it won't work. We just didn't want to think about it. Honestly, I feel kind of relieved, but I also feel a great loss. Part of me will always love him and nothing anyone can say or do will change that. But we know that in the best interest of his kids is for him to try and work on things with his wife. I made sure he understood NC, and I will also stick to that. Now all that matters is for me to try and get my life back together.

My relationship with my WH started as an EA while we were both still married. Both of us were in unhappy marriages and should have left years before but.....we didn't.
As much as he would never admit that he was afraid I would stray if I was not confined to the house I am sure he did. The thing was, even as he and I were not getting along very well, I still loved him with my whole heart and never would have hurt him that way. He NEVER believed that and that right there showed how he felt about me. He did not trust me no matter what I did or how much affection I showed him. I know now I could never have fought that. That was his demon and out of my control.
I wanted so much to believe this man was my soulmate so I am heartbroken that all the love and tenderness we once shared is over. He is cold and heartless and it is like our love never existed.
NovGirl, I am glad to hear you ended your A. When you begin a life with someone that is married whether he divorces her or not there will always be something in the back of each of your minds of how/when you first got together. When the going gets rough is when this gets brought up. At the time it will hurt the most. You will never be able to deny the truth behind the beginning. I tried. As much as I loved my WH and believed we were soulmates, I still know we handled ourselves was wrong. Even though it was just an EA. Probably only because we got caught before it was taken to the next level. I still haven't forgiven myself for what I put my ex through. I didn't love him, but I didn't hate him either.

Thanksgiving was REALLY REALLY rough. Even though 3 of my 4 children were here for the meal with me I was an emotional mess. I figured out that day that my pain wasn't from the loss of him. It is from the loss of my family structure. I have lost all of his family. I have lost my step-son. That one hurts alot.
I am trying to heal. Somedays are simply too hard to bear. This was the second weekend that my kids were gone all weekend. I work as much as possible and i'm really on edge by Sunday. I was so excited to see them. I have 4 children. 19,13,7,4. (2 w/first H. 2 w/second H) I have been a Mom my whole life it seems, and i'm proud of that status. So having 2 weekends a month without that role makes me feel a little lost right now, but I feel like I am finding my path to healing.

Thank you all for your responses. I just want someone to tell me it will get better. It feels strange to not miss him but still be so upset with this. I know I will come out of this stronger then I have ever been before. It's the getting there that is hell.

NG

It does matter, ending the affair did not undo what you did to your BH and the OMW.

"Part of me will always love him and nothing anyone can say or do will change that. But we know that in the best interest of his kids is for him to try and work on things with his wife. I made sure he understood NC"

I hope you did not tell or convey the part of me will always, and be noble for the kids baloney. This is not how one starts NC.

NC are done by letter not in person. Know why? To prevent things being handled with kid gloves. There was and is no reason to let yourselves down easy. There was nothing there special between both of you. In common you had your willingness to cheat on your spouses.

Is that special?

Your NC should of been cold to the point. We were wrong to have an affair. We had nothing special. Cheating on ones spouses and family is not special. Cheating on a spouse only showed a lack of character and morals. Nothing good can be built on a foundation of deceit. Affairriages have two strikes against them and rarely last. Therefore this is the reason why there must be NC with us forever.

Instead when you cry only if we had met at the right time, you will always be a part of me, etc...... You have only shown that you are leaving the door open for the OM to come fishing at some later point in time because the OM is still special and there will always be a place in your heart for him.

It's not just the words you write, what you have placed in between the lines is just as important.

Have you told your BH that there will always be a part in your heart for the OM?

I suppose I deserved all of that. He knows we fell in love. He asked me and I told him. om and me both knew it was not working, and we knew why. We just didn't want to let go of the fantasy.

I'm not trying to be noble for his kids sake. I love children, and when I finally opened my eyes and saw how much he was hurting, I could only assume the rest of his family was hurting a lot more than he was. Because of what we were doing. I feel very ashamed for causing that kind of hurt. I couldn't live with myself if I kept trying to hold on to the impossible. I told myself so many lies, I told everyone so many lies.

We have still had NC. I am working on my M, and I am assuming he is doing the same. I changed my ph# and my e-mail. He has moved away to a different city. I am being completely transparent to my husband, even though we are not living together.

We're talking a lot more now, and we went over that emotional needs test. I kind of knew what some of his priorities were, and he was quite surprised by mine. We're going to talk more about the results, and how we both need to put in more of an effort to fulfill each others EN's. Amongst all that will be anger, fear, devistation, and we are going to try to work through all of that.

I know it has only been a short time, but things seem to be going well. As for my H knowing how I feel, He is being very understanding as to how I could still have feelings for someone. That might not always be, and I am aware of that as well. It will take me a lot of hard work, and a long time before he can begin to trust me. Maybe he won't want to try. But I did that to myself, and I know that. I know that is a possibility.

Really, what did you expect when two cheaters get together, that they would suddenly grow morals?

I can only say....karma bus.

I have zero sympathy.

Wow. Your harsh words are uncalled for. I have spent 10 years with this man and neither one of us has cheated on each other. Our problems had nothing to do with affairs.

I have always known this forum to be about support for others going through similar issues. Keep your hatred away from people in need of help. You are not God and have no right to judge and throw your hatred around.

I know what I did was wrong and have punished myself for that. This isn't about that. It brought issues into this marriage but it is not what ended my marriage.

May you get the same support that you dish out!

H4C

"Your harsh words are uncalled for. I have spent 10 years with this man and neither one of us has cheated on each other. Our problems had nothing to do with affairs."

You had an EA with the OM before you married him. EA is still an affair. You then married him. You had an affairriage.

AND, how Bill Clinton are you when you state I did not have sex with that OM?

So you never held hands, hugged, kissed?

You may want to believe that a kiss hello or good bye don't count. They don't count when there is no romantic/emotional feelings for the OP. You were not feeling free for this OM.

There may of been no overt sexual contact but contact is not innocent when used to reinforce a personal bond between to people.

You did not learn how to have a healthy relationship and repair your first marriage.

Instead you had an affair.

Your OM was not a good spouse and did not learn how to be a good spouse but took the easy way and had an affair.

The both of you decided to marry a new mate that did not know how to be a good spouse, only good at cheating.

I'll throw you a bone here. Even if you have learned from your past mistakes. You married the OM that was never willing to change for W#1.

How do you expect him change now for W#2?

My guess is he didn't trust you outside the house because he was thinking of other women, so he assumed you were thinking of other men. It's not meant to be harsh to bring up a character trait that allows someone to become attached to someone who's already married - good marriage or not. It's meant to point out to you that you married someone who IS willing to invade someone else's marriage to get what he wants (just as he married the same kind of person).

Maybe you can consider this a good learning experience that will elevate you to a higher level of standards for your future encounters. It's like I tell my daughter: if you do something you know is wrong, you have to own up to it; otherwise, it is one more weight on your shoulders adding to your self-dislike. Isn't it better to own up and move forward with a clear conscience?

Hopeful4change,

Don't let the mistakes of your past "haunt" you. I'm sure if anyone on this board takes time an analyzes themselves they'll find some mistake they made in their marraige. No one on the planet can be "perfect" enough not to find some mistake they made. If they don't - they must be narcissistic. Narcissists blame only others - never themselves. I had my share of lovebusters in my relationship. I could have handled things differently. For sure if I had known what lovebusters were. #1, I could have complained about how things were going - instead of letting it all build up inside to the point of blowing up (#2).

So there are my 2 biggest lovebusters. Not that complaining ever did any good, but my ex wouldn't even listen to Dr. Harley and the advice he gave. So even without those two lovebusters, my marriage never would have survived. And there was nothing that we did in the way of an affair. He had been alone for 3yrs (divorced) and I had for 10 yrs, when we met.

Anyway, all you can do is recognize your mistakes and learn from them.

Wish I could tell you that getting used to being alone was easy, but it's not. The first time, I had my kids that needed me and that kept me pushing, trying to learn how to be a better mother to them than I had growing up. But now, both of my kids are grown with families of their own. And it's tough!! Not as tough as it was back in 04 when we split up, but there was a lot of greiving and healing to do (still working on learning how to relax better - that keeps AO's out of my personal relationships for me - and since I've been learning to relax, it's easier to let go of the anger, and slow down to think about a way to bring up what's bothering me without causing trouble).

I think my "picker" is still "tore up" at least that's what my best friend (a blind man that knows me, my attitudes, my shortcomings and my positive points - he's kind of like the dad I never had) tells me. And even my female friends will say, "why on earth do you put up with that out of him - talking about the person I just ended a relationship with). So I still have to work a little harder on boundaries (knowing my own and not letting people run over me like I was trained growing up).

Right now I have so many things that have to be taken care of, just getting my state practicing license and a business going, that alone helps take away from "some" of the pain of my last breakup w a bf. But even a counselor that we both were seeing is glad to hear that I broke it off.

Best thing I can think of to tell you, if you have a group of close friends that you can share what you are going through with - tell them and let them know that you need time with and support from them (maybe a different one each day of the week) while you try to put the puzzle peices back together and get your life going straight. Support systems always work best. I wouldn't have survived over the past few years without mine!

I have in no way justified how the beginning of our relationship started. Never have. Never will. I can always tell who was the BS on this message board. Not saying that you do not deserve to be bitter, but not towards the rest of us here. I made a mistake that I regret and have learned a lot from that. I took the "easy" way out of my first marriage and I know that. That marriage would have ended in a D regardless of the EA or not. We never should have gotten married, but that's another story. Because of what I did in my first marriages I knew I would never do that again. I truly loved my WH. We had an awesome marriage for 8 years. Even when he became mentally abusive I NEVER once thought of straying. My heart still belonged to him. I made some bad financial choices and he chose to never let go of them. He chose to be unapproachable about the "tough" things to talk about. I shut my heart down completely. He chose to give up. I chose not to fight it anymore. I can't make him love me.

So now that my heart is cold I don't think marriage or any kind of relationship is worth it anymore. I gave him everything I had and it wasn't good enough for him anymore. I Wont take that chance again. I am not perfect and if constantly beating myself up to be anyone but who I am is the only way to be with someone then I would rather die alone.

RMW I appreciate your words. I do have an excellent support system and I know if it wasn't for them and my children I wouldn't make it through each day. Not sure if i'll be back on this forum though. I am having enough self esteem problems right now to be judged by those of you who choose to judge and hate others mistakes that have nothing to do with you. Take your anger out on someone else.

I am highly disappointed in what this forum has become.

H4C

It's still about you. I raised some points and questions and you ignored them. It makes my therory seem to be on the money.

""Your harsh words are uncalled for. I have spent 10 years with this man and neither one of us has cheated on each other. Our problems had nothing to do with affairs.""

"You had an EA with the OM before you married him. EA is still an affair. You then married him. You had an affairriage."

You had an affair.

"AND, how Bill Clinton are you when you state I did not have sex with that OM?"

"So you never held hands, hugged, kissed?"

Are you another Bill Clinton?

"You may want to believe that a kiss hello or good bye don't count. They don't count when there is no romantic/emotional feelings for the OP. You were not feeling free for this OM."

Again:

"Your OM was not a good spouse and did not learn how to be a good spouse but took the easy way and had an affair....you decided to marry....that did not know how to be a good spouse, only good at cheating....You married the OM that was never willing to change for W#1."

Again:

"How do you expect him change now for W#2?"

"I have in no way justified how the beginning of our relationship started. Never have. Never will"

Then why do you not admit what I have written is true?

You are in denial to these facts. By not condeming how your marriage started you are implying that you are indeed justifying how the marriage began.

You had an affairriage. A compound error. An affair, then you married your mistake. You chose to give your love to someone of poor character and morals.

How did you expect to make a good relationship with such a poor choice in person?

Another question you will not respond to.

You will admit your first marriage was wrong, but not your second, why?

Is it because you are still to busy denying that you should not of had your affairriage?

Opps, I'm sorry another question you will not respond to.

Denial is not a river in Egypt. It's the fantasy land you are living in.

I do not want to admit that I wasted the past 10 years of my life with this man that I loved with all my heart. I accept that how we started was wrong. I accept that we handled ending our first marriages wrong. I accept a lot of things.

Knowing all of this does not make me love him any less. He had faults and so did I. I could love him in spite of them. He took the easy way out, again. Knowing that doesn't make any of this any easier. I am a forgiving person and always believe that people deserve second chances. Funny thing is that had he had an affair on me then I would never have forgiven that.


Very true statement. He is good at giving up. Counseling doesn't work with someone who is always right and chooses not to change.

Again, I believe people can learn from thier mistakes and be a better person. We married for love, not lust. It could have worked.


My second marriage was entered into out of love. My first was not. I was 17 and stupid.
I have never said my EA wasn't wrong. But I will never say the marriage to him was wrong. We had it very good for many years. It wasn't always bad. I have 2 beautiful children because of it. How it began doesn't take away all of that. That is not denial.
My heart is broken. That is real. Making me think I never should have marriage him doesn't help me heal. I can only take responsibility for my own actions and reactions. I do not want to play the blame game because that will never help me learn from my part in this divorce. I would love to say it's all his fault our marriage has problems but that doesn't help me. The fact that he gave up....that's on him.

He does not trust you because you both had an affair. He can't even trust himself. I have had NC for only about 2 weeks now, and I am still fighting with my feelings. I don't even know if those same feelings I had for the OM were real or not. I was in bliss. I got a virtual slap in the face from some of the members here, but it made me realize that what we had was NOT special, it was NOT going to work, because it was all lies...You should read over my thread, especially the first few pages. I was so defensive...over what...I knew they were all right, I just didn't want to believe it, because I was "in love"... It was all fog.


It never ends up as "just an ea" though. It destroys you. It hurts everyone around you, and you won't even know yourself anymore...