I have a friend who is a BW. Let's call her Pam. Anyway, Pam is a devout Christian, married for 20 yrs, now legally separated with 3 children. Her WH has been having an A for over a year and left her for the OW.

WH is still in fog and emotionally & financially cruel to Pam. He can't even speak nicely to her and blames her for A. He will even be mean to the kids if they don't support him in A.

Youngest child is the only one who goes for visitation and spends every other weekend w/WH & OW. Pam has accepted this as her fate and is trying to make the best of it.

She told me that she invited the OW to a family function, but OW didn't attend. She also is welcoming OW to family x-mas dinner and has already bought OW a x-mas gift.

I told her that she shouldn't have bought the OW a gift. The OW has already helped to ruin her family and doesn't care about her or her kids. I told Pam that she doesn't owe this OW anything but a slap in the face! I also told Pam that she is "enabling" the A.

Pam told me that she is already past that. Was I wrong in telling her that she is enabling the A by inviting OW to family functions and buying her gifts? The other 2 children, who are older, want nothing to do with OW and are still mad at their dad.

Opinions, anyone?

Maribel, I'm sure you have the best of intentions towards your friend, but I don't think it's for any of us to tell someone else how they 'should' feel, think, react and behave.

It's Pam's life, and her choices to make. From what you've said, it's not clear that she actually wants her husband back. She may be simply protecting her children as best as she can think to do, by ensuring as little friction as possible with a new stepmother.

Do you know what she wants?

TA

Well, does she want her M back? If so, send her here so we can help her to stop enabling the affair. But perhaps she doesn't want him back and has decided to take the high road for the sake of her children? This is completely and totally NOT what I would do, but I'm not her. Regardless of her motives or intentions, as a friend you might suggest she seek counselling. I suspect she has some severe self esteem issues going on.

No you were not wrong. She is your friend and you owe her the truth...she is being weak and enabling the A. If the LSA requires visitation with the father, fine but I'd make sure that OW can not spend the night when the child is in the house. If it is not spelled out, I'd contact the attorney to amend. If she is a devout Christian she should have addressed this in the beginning and do all she can to limit exposure to her child. I understand Pam may be tired and feel shes making the best of the situation but she is enabling sin.

Hi all -

What struck me, is that I can understand that my friend, Pam wants to move on, but what I can't understand is her need to "feed into it." Yes, the Court says that the child goes for visitation. I don't know if it specifies with the OW not being there, as the WH lives with OW.

The WH has been so cruel to her and their children, that she doesn't recognize him as the man that she married 20 years ago. She said that she doesn't want him back. However, I sense that if he were remorseful...then, she would take him back.

Even if she accepted this as her fate, I don't think that she should be inviting this OW to family functions so soon. Pam and her WH aren't even divorced, for goodness sake! Their divorce will be finalized in the middle months of 2009.

Pam is such a good-hearted, attractive and generous woman. Her WH is a bi-polar (won't take his meds), selfish jerk. Even though Pam is so kind, I can't believe that she bought the OW a x-mas gift. I don't agree with it. To me, that is just plain ole sick and enabling kind of behavior!

Pam confides in me. Maybe I shouldn't have opened up my mouth? I just don't know.

I'd like to by OM a Xmas gift. Unfortunately they don't sell weaponized Anthraz spores over the counter at the pharmacy.

PSTD at work perhaps? I think your friend might need counseling for even thinking of something like that.

Maninmotion -

LOL!

Pam is getting counseling thru church. I wonder if they're the ones who are telling her to be kind to OW??? Maybe I should ask her.

Maribel, it sounds as if you want Pam to want what you want, if that makes sense. It's not for any of us to decide what Pam should feel, or be doing.

If she doesn't want the marriage, it's not for any of us to decide that she SHOULD want it. Second-guessing her decision-making process (and its flaws) is a dangerous activity.

If the WH and the OW get married, Pam will have to allow her youngest child access to the woman. Sad, but true. Pre-empting this is not necessary, but that's for HER to decide.

I wonder if your frustration is with her letting down the 'sisterhood' of betrayed wives by not fighting against the OW as you would like her to?

TA

I betcha those kids will grow up and are in therapy for years after living in a FUN HOUSE where their mother associates herself with evil and teaches them that wrong is right. This is after their dad has taught them that adultery is just another lifestyle choice.

Her acceptance of EVIL signals that she condones wrongdoing and no doubt, is very confusing to her kids. Too bad she couldn't stand up for her kids. But at least she feels all warm and fuzzy and holy and moly for her cheap forgiveness of the undeserving! Feeling good is all that counts!

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

I was thinking more along the lines of cement shoes or a wood chipper.

Want2Stay

That poor woman is gonna "nice" herself into a straight jacket.

I tried to be nice to VD for a time. Then I realized that she doesn't speak the language of "nice."

I'm concerned for your friend.

She doesn't have to be mean, cordial will do, but "nice" and "generous" is like staple gunning the doormat to your own back - all ready for the OW to walk all over and stamp on down.