I was an avid reader to this site two years ago when I found out my husband was having an affair. I found so much useful information, and I felt support from reading other people's stories as I knew I wasn't alone. At the beginning, just dealing with my incredible hurt and trying at the same time to meet my husband's unmet needs was exhausting but worth the effort because I really wanted to save my marriage. We have three children together. He claimed to have given up the OW, which I did believe for a while, until I found out otherwise and I asked him to move out. He moved in with his family for a couple of months and then moved in with the OW (Dec 2006). I couldn't at this time muster anymore within me to do Plan A so I wrote him a letter, read it a million times and sent it to him and then started a very dark Plan B. I have been in Plan B ever since (since Jan 2007). Initially all contact with him regarding our children's scheduling occurred through our child-care provider, but this became too inconvenient so we began e-mail contact. Now, we speak about scheduling over the phone about once a month and that is all. We have no contact when the children are exchanged, and I have only seen him in person 4 times in the past two years. I disclosed the affair to his friends and family, as well as to those who knew the OW.

I bought all the books, and I saw a counsellor for the first 6 months which helped me a little (it became just a safe place to cry more than anything). In terms of personal growth, I'm almost finished my PhD, my career is blossoming, I'm becoming a yoga instructor, and I rand two 5 km races last year (and just about to do my first 10 km). I think my bond with my children is very good, and they seem to have adjusted better than what I had expected and are actually excelling in school.

What I'm struggling with is that this still hurts, and quite a bit. Sure, the pain has lessened...but I wonder if I'll ever know true love or happiness in a relationship again. I think I'll always love my husband, even though I now have no hope of any form of reconcilliation. I can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to date, at the urging of friends I did try it a couple of times and I felt like I was the one who was cheating. My husband's family has been in contact with me a little, and they are almost worried as to why I haven't moved someone new into my life. I struggle with the balance of not trying to know anything about my husband's life versus allowing my children to discuss/vent/share what is happening to them while they are in his home. He and the OW do seem to be providing well for them, (at least the nuts and bolts for raising children) though when my kids talk about their wedding and honeymoon I have to change the subject. I know the time for me is up...I just wish I could totally turn off my feelings.

my post today is more to express sadness, this has been one challenging and disappointing process...my life with my children and my extended family and friends is really great and despite all this I'm one of those very happy-go-lucky kinda gals. For some reason, the few phone calls I've had with my ex, even though they were basic business phone calls, I felt recharged a little. I wish I could feel nothing...

What is next? The legal divorce isn't through, but that is only because of a complicated financial situation, no other reason (i.e. the terms have been agreed to by both sides, there is no court battle or arguing). Through now to the divorce and beyond, is my staying with no contact with my STB XH the best options for myself and my children? I think sometimes they'd like me to meet their soon to be step-mom and they feel that I've been a little strange about not being involved in their "other" life.

I would recommend maintaining no contact. It is those few times that you've broken it - when you've felt "recharged" that have prevented you from getting past it. You sound like you still have a lot of grief to express.

My M is over - I went dark fairly quickly (as everything in the A progressed quickly) but not for the purpose of recovering the M, but because I truly needed to protect myself from him. He was so horrible to me throwing OW in my face constantly. Despite that, and despite the fact that I made a conscious decision that the M was over, I still experience moments when I wished I could call and tell him something or somehow find a way to be friends. Our son is grown so we have no need for regular communication but we do see each other from time to time. But it is so rare that for the most part, I enjoy my life now doing things my own way. I realize it must be far more difficult with younger children who inadvertently relay information back and forth.

There is no rush to start dating and it sounds like you actually have your life pretty much in order other than your grief. Give yourself a chance to grieve. But do it yourself, without him.

Thanks so much for your response. I agree, I think this grieving process just takes time (though I heartily wish there was some way to speed it up!) ...and I think I reopen wounds whenever we have contact. I wonder if the unfaithful ex-spouses ever have the same feelings of wanting to call or become friends someday. In my case, my ex appeared relieved that we were through, and my going 'dark' seemed to be a blessing to him. I guess it has been beneficial for our dealings over the children because in our few conversations neither of us stray from the pure 'business' talk.

Yeah my WH husband also seems to love the darkness. I dont have much to say except stay in darkness,its best for your sanity, i feel ya girl. hang in there. i guess thats all we can do.