While I may agree that the letter to the child is cruel, to say what you've said to a betrayed is just as bad. She and her kids are JUST AS MUCH a victim of this as the OC is. JUST AS MUCH!

As for the OW - too much blame? No. JUST as much blame. She's 50% of the mess...she's due the blame.

And this:


How.

Dare.

You?

From what your sig line says you are not embroiled in the fight of your life like those that post on this board are.

You know low and not classy?

Like, maybe telling someone that the WAY they are expressing their ABSOLUTE AGONY is perhaps LOW AND NOT CLASSY.

You have no IDEA how she holds her husband accountable, yet you feel obligated to tell her how she SHOULD?

Pure gall.

The betrayed that post here are bleeding out...especially the newly betrayed. There will come a time when they will have a firmer grasp on themselves. For many, it takes A LONG WHILE. For some, it takes YEARS. But there is NO speeding the process up for ANYONE. In the meantime, people that post such lunacy about a situation they ARE NOT IN only serve to make them feel more alienated than they already feel. And trust me here, they feel like they are the only ones in the world that this has happened to. The stigmata attached to telling this situation to a friend or family member IRL is terrifying.

People lose a lot during this time.

Friends that you've known for years turn their backs on you if you decide to stay in the marriage.

Family sometimes quit speaking to you.

Sometimes, the only outlet is online.

CW, you better hope and pray you don't end up needing this board. Kimmy said what I wanted to say already but I will add this, many times the newly betrayed who has just found out their spouse is having a child with an OP needs so badly a place to vent their pain and their ANGER. Most times it is not safe to vent to their spouse so they come to a place like this. To let out the agony to those who have walked in their shoes, those RARE people that understand. Then they get scared away from posters like you who have NO IDEA the utter agony they are in.

Bravo!!!

I am so glad you wrote this post!! I totally agree. I felt outraged by crabbywife's post.

She clearly does not have a grasp on the OC issue and the extreme, long lasting pain it causes.

Hey, Crabby! How about a little empathy for posters in a kind of pain you didn't have to experience? It is a uniquely devastating event in a persons life.

Crabbywife is childish and even admits she is so take her comments with a grain of salt...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2167893#Post2167893

OMGosh!

*****EDIT******

Then don't post here.

AGAIN:

YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH.

NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Presumptious much?

Okay, I just re-read what I wrote.Maybe I shouldn't say GET OVER IT. Cause everyone get's to deal with it however they want.

I just wanted to express my opinion that I think contacting a third party that the OW is currently messing is not necessary. OK, perhaps, I didn't stracture my word in the most polite sensitive way. I am sorry. Now, please LET ME HAVE MY OPINION without making me look bad. I am entitled to my own opinion that I think contacting the person that the current OW is seeing is pointless. That's all.

Thank you.

Please realize that those two you posted to are not as far along in their marriages or recoveries as you are. They are not on MY timeline or anyone's but their own.

Actually, most MBers would advise against contacting the OP - I also think it's a lesson in futility....after all, if the OP would deign to sleep with a MP, then they are a party to lying and will not be above doing so in order to hurt the betrayed.

I have to chime in here...if I knew who the OW in my sitch was messing with I would call him up in a heart beat and let him know what kind of meddling slut puppy he was dealing with...also it would be gratifying to know that I caused a little bit of strain on her relationship...afterall, it can't compare to the strain and pain she (and my hubby of course...not leaving him out of the loop) has caused in my marriage or in the lives of my children.

You are welcome!
Also, I just want to say that I read some of your comments and response to Anysuggestion's thread. The one who wrote mean and nasty letter to a ten year old boy. From reading some of your post, you seem to condone her behavior. The way she reacted and response to problems.

You indicated that there's no right OR WRONG way to deal with THEIR own issues. It's their own way to dealing with it. The thing is, THERE IS A WRONG WAY! This may not sound good to you and perhaps you'll even get mad at me for saying this. But yes, there is a wrong way. And I think Anysuggestion's way was wrong.

Sorry but I can see that you and I are quite the opposite when it comes to having an opinion.


**EDIT**

Please keep your posts respectful and helpful or this thread will be locked!

The members on MarriageBuilders are posting here to receive help, suggestions and advice from those that are knowledable and familiar with MarriageBuilders principles and concepts.

As the Intro to the Discussion Forums states "Please read & learn these concepts" prior to participating in the forums.

ah.

To be so young and live in black and white. (wistful sigh)

When there is an OC, the ONLY way to handle it is for the husband and wife to AGREE. NC or C, that is the ONLY correct way.

While I AGREE with you that the way that AS and her husband chose to send a letter to OC directly was totally wrong for his age, I ALSO agree with their JOINT decision for NC.

If they had chosen C, I would have supported them just the same.

I am NOT angry with you (anymore - smile, I'm joking here).

I did and do find someone who has NEVER walked in the shoes of a BW w/OC telling a betrayed who they should hold accountable for their pain and HOW they should voice their pain blatently offensive.

Yes, you had someone cheat on you. Yes, you experienced SOME of the pain - but did he father a child behind your back? Do you really "get" that these people here have been STRAFED by bullets shot from their chosen kin?

It was, at times unbearable.

Yet they DO bear it.

They bear it because they HAVE NO CHOICE.

If they leave their wayward, they will HAVE to heal.

If they don't, then they still HAVE to heal.

Some here cannot - they are physically unable to have the OC in their lives - their decision is that family's alone.

Others decide that they cannot fathom life without having the child in it. It's hard, because the OW seldom makes it easy - but it can be done.

There is NO correct way to make this work - it is NEVER cut and dry, black and white. There will ALWAYS be casualties from this - what a betrayed and their family MUST do is decide which path to take in order to minimize the bleeding.

Well said, Kimmy!

I am not here to argue. I completely DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING you are saying. I might not be in your shoes to see where you are coming from and I don't need to be. I don't condone someone to be so vicious and mean like that especially to someone who is innocent (the OC) just because they have been hurt.

I am sorry but we won't see each ther eye to eye. I am not giving a suggestion to that person HOW to deal with her problems nor am I suggesting for her to response the way she did especially to that child.

We are all responsible for our actions. Sometimes spouses betrays us but that doesn't give us a license to be completely nasty especially to someone who is innocent. I am going to stick to my gun and that is--THERE IS A RIGHT AND WRONG way to deal with stuff.

How about this, what if someone decide to track down the OW and BEAT her until she ends up to the hospital or worst, killed her? Would that be a right way? Will you say YES. It was HER way of dealing with her own pain therefore she felt like beating and physically hurting the OW. I know this might be an extreme analogy but it still makes point. So what do you think? It's just an opinion of mine and you don't need to take it.

How is this a logical analogy?

You don't see the logic???? Well, clearly, we don't see each other eye to eye.

You seem to be persistent and convince that there is ONLY THE RIGHT WAY when it comes to dealing with your own pain. There's no RIGHT OR WRONG. The point that I am trying to get across is...
THERE IS A RIGHT AND WRONG way to deal with things. Regardless of what it is...

Just because I am badly hurt, I am entitled to do whatever I want. There's all KINDS OF WRONG way to deal with things. Condemn me for having this opinion--up to you. It's mine and I am going to keep it. I am done here. Husband just got home and I need to hit the gym.

Good luck to you and hope you'll find the comfort and solutions that you're looking for as I am doing the same thing!

Where I think you are not understanding ME is that I REALIZE that OC is going to be hurt.

What I think YOU fail to realize is that the OC is not the ONLY person that must be taken into consideration.

The children of the marriage will also be hurt.

The betrayed spouse is hurt.

The wayward hurts, and the OW hurts.

What every ADULT in this situation must do is decide the best course of action that will MINIMIZE the hurt for ALL.

Their decision might not be the one that my husband and I made (we have CUSTODY of the OCs).

But I WILL not pass judgement on those that chose what they THOUGHT was the BEST course of action for THEIR family.

I will not PRESUME.

No one should.

Furthermore, sometimes PEOPLE can be BLINDED by their own pain and lose seight of what's right and wrong. I think I have made my point. I am glad that this thread have came up and I participated as I have learned something here today. THERE IS RIGHT AND WRONG when it comes to dealing with things.

Talking about black and white..