Of course she went today to work. Another of her supervisor told her of the letter, and she asked me now how am I going to attack her. She asked me to pick our children from school and she is going for them to my mother's house in the night. She's planning to stay at our home monday to friday with the kids, and I'll stay saturday and sunday. Of course I don't plan to leave my house, so I don't know how will this be.

You make it very clear to her that:

1. You are not agreeing to the leaving your home
2. You are not agreeing to leaving your home.


Then, you start lawyering up before she does to ensure that your rights are protected. She may want to resort to false claims of spousal abuse etc. in order to force you to leave your home, so you should watch out for this as well.

Her Top EN according to questionarie:

Attention: She says she doesn't feel my affect, even when sometimes I exagerate.
Admiration: She likes my admiration but it is not enought
Financial Support: She's ok with how much I earn, but we don't administrate efectively.

I've been thinking I've always tried to meet her needs, even above my own, and even when it was not possible. I take her to her favorite divertions, give her presents, etc. Even in the sex I was satisfied if she was satisfied, even when only she reached orgasms. However, it seems she didn't liked or valued this, she says I don't give her affection.

solitaro, I would not allow her to remove your kids from the home. Does your mother know about the affair? If not, I would call her up right away and ask her not to support this separation scheme.

Yes, she knows. Can't the mother be with her children? Is this part of the plan? I work monday, wednesday and friday all day, tuesday and thrusday from 8 to 8, and saturday and sunday just emergency calls.

solitaro, yes she should be with her children! But she should not be allowed to take them away from their home overnight just because she is angry about her affair. Your children need stability, not to be dragged out of their safe home because your W is having a fit.

Your mother knows all about this and is going to allow her to come there?

Does your W understand that you will be going NOWHERE?

Since we work all day, my mother stays with the children in her house until 8-9 pm when any of us used to go for them and take them to our home. So, the idea is my wife will stay with them as usual in our home at monday, wednesday and friday, since I work all night anyway. However, since usually tuesday and thrusday we both stayed with the children at our home, I'll make them stay there, and she is welcome if she wishes. However, she is planning to rent or something and take them there weekdays, which I should not allow.

Tell her you will not allow your children to live anywhere else except their own home. Tell her that if she tries to move them to another house, you will go to legal proceedings. That should be enough of a warning to scare her into giving up that idea.

I would consult with a lawyer about your rights. I don't know about the laws in your country, but we had a poster who's WW took the kids with her (across state lines) to live with her mother. This poster then won primary physical custody of his children for her actions. Speak with an attorney NOW and find out what your rights are and what you need to do to protect your children from being removed from your care. A lot of WW's false sense of entitlement will get themselves in trouble with the law. You need to be ready to take advantage of that.

I'll talk with a lawyer today.

We tried to arrange something for the kids, but my wife wants it her way or no deal. She says she'll send her lawyer. It seems I have to make a custody demand. She's not remorseful at all, says I attack her and she is defending herself. I'm very sad.

It seems we'll have a fight for the children. Now what?

You fight for your children. Make it clear that under no circumstances you are agreeing to your children leaving the family home unless some legal separation and custody agreement is in place. Make sure you've got your legal ducks in a row, but let your WW do all the work.

In the meantime, you continue to Plan A as much as you can in your situation.

Inform her (and her family) that you are going to take all the proof AND allegations you have about her affair and publish it front and center in legal proceedings if she tries to take the kids from you. Warn her with ruining her image in public, in court. If nothing else, her family might get scared by that and talk her out of it. This is the time to be strong. Scare the crapola out of her.

cat is right. Tell her you will file on grounds of adultery and the court can subpoena the OM to give testimony under oath about their adulterous affair. She is just blowing smoke, solitario. She has no room to call the shots when you have most of the power. She can't snatch her children from their home because of her affair. Your kids need to be protected from that kind of craziness.

She's threatening you and manipulating you to try and get what she wants. If you can't salvage your marriage, what do you want? Fight for it because you not doing yourself or your kids a favor by giving in to her demands. Your kids should be with a parent that actually cares about what is best for them and can teach them right from wrong.

We talked today. She's much more calm. We agreed to start divorce procedures. We'll mantain a shared custody, our current house will be mine, our new house will be for our children, but she'll live there. We both keep our personal things. I keep a pair of vacational timeshares. We sign the papers tomorrow.

It seems like we'll still be friends, she already asked help for certain procedures the new house needs, and we agreed we can make arrangments for being together at christmas and other special dates. Next friday (my birthday) she will take me to dinner as was planned.

I think she's honest. I love her, and will miss her very much, still working on plan A nonetheless. However, I feel "free", and she feels "relieved". It seems none of us really wants to fight, but she wants to be able to do what she wants, and I'm discovering I want the same. Of course I still wish this didn't have happened, but we have many problems in our relationship before the affair.

Thoughts?

Solitario,

I cannot help thinking of an old country and western song.

"We split things right down the middle. She got the elevator and I got the shaft."

You just lost your family and you are going to help her with her new house? AND, you will be "friends" which in her world means she will use you, and she will not have to fear you making any sort of noise, mess, or scene.

If that is what you consider a "friend" dear Lord I hate to think what your enemies look like.

God Bless,

JL

LOCO

I think you are nuts for participating in the destruction of your family when it could most likely be saved. I think you are nuts for agreeing to help her destroy your family and then be her "friend."

Big Bad WOLF

Wolf: little pig, little pig, let me in!!

PIG: sure! c'mon in, Wolf! Rob and plunder and bloooooooooow my house down! Destroy my children's family for selfish gain!

PIG: And then we will be friends!

Solitaro, are you FRENCH?

Can I ask whether EXs can ever become friends after divorce (especially after adultery)?

Sorry if that's a stupid Q.