Hi, I thought I would just introduce myself again. I first joined MB about 7 years ago, when my (now) ex-husband had an affair. I posted a couple of times about 18 months ago - but for the past 2 years I haven't had an internet connection at my home, so it's been difficult. I now have internet back
I don't know if anyone on here still remembers me - so here's a brief (or not so brief) 'What Happened'....
My ex and I emigrated to the USA in January 2000, we had been married for 15 years by this time and had 2 daughters. By Christmas 2000, I began to feel something was wrong... In March 2001 I confronted my DH with my suspicions - he denied having an 'affair' but agreed that a certain woman whose business services he used and was 12 years younger than him, had become his 'best friend'. In April 2001 I found I was pregnant - I told my DH and his immediate reaction was 'You'll have to get rid of it - I don't want another child' He then gave me the telephone number of Planned Parenthood and left me to go and meet his 'Best friend'. That night he didn't come home - he ended up in hospital, having been beaten up by his 'best friend's' husband... The next morning he told me he wanted a divorce and was not coming home. A week later, in the madness of grief, I terminated the pregnancy (I have never got over doing this, I felt backed into a corner and will always regret letting myself be forced into this decision. I still suffer from PASS (post-abortion stress syndrome), and cannot forgive myself EVER for this - I should have been stronger
). Then I found MB, and I think at that point, it saved my life...
I worked on my marriage using MB priniciples and a LOT of support from other users, and after 5 months of separation he came home, saying that 'It was the worst mistake he had ever made' and 'It will never happen again'. Things were OK for 2 years, we worked on our marriage, and OW went back to her husband (actually, she never left him) and had 2 kids of her own). Then one day I answered the door to the mailman, who handed me an undeliverable package - a birthday gift for the OW sent by my WH - undeliverable because she had moved to another state. This set us back a bit...but my WH apologised and promised me he would never try to contact her again. WH wanted me to get a career, and suggested nursing, so off to nursing school I went - if you've ever been through nursing school you will know that it is tough - and that they warn you that lots of marriages fail during nursing school. Toward the end of nursing school, OW returned to our state and guess what - she got in contact with my WH again, and guess what - he started using her business services again, despite my protests. By the time I graduated as an RN, I was pretty sure the affair had started up again, and sure enough, 2 months after graduation he told me he wanted a divorce. We separated in Summer 2006 and divorced in Summer 2007.
I bought a new house, started working (I had been a SAHM since our first daughter was born) and tried to survive. The divorce was settled without lawyers and as amicably as possible (I did NOT want a divorce, but did not contest it because I wanted to make things as easy as possible for the children).
It is about 2 1/2 years since we separated, and I have not flirted with or dated another man. The last man to kiss me was my WH. I'm joining MB again because I haven't got over my WH, I haven't got over the divorce and I feel stuck - unable to move forward. I need some help. Logically, I KNOW I am better off without my WH - in many, many ways he was - is - a complete jerk, who never appreciated me or made me feel loved, and he was a terrible father. The kids and I were always second-best to something else (work, OW, golf...) and we felt that pain very much. Logically, I know that I should try and find TRUE happiness elsewhere. Emotionally though, I still want him back - how crazy is that? Emotionally, I still feel 'married' - still feel that my wedding vows still apply - 'What God has joined together, let no MAN put asunder' - well the judge was human, not God. 'Till Death us do part', 'In sickness and in health' (Isn't an affair a sickness?). I'm more spiritual than religious - but my wedding vows meant everything to me, and I did not say them lightly. I know that my emotions and my heart are holding me back, but I don't know how to stop them. Also - apart from the terrible sense of loneliness that grabs me from time to time, I quite enjoy being single. I don't know if I want the 'hassle' of having someone else in my life - except for the loneliness of not having someone...
I also feel anger - a lot of anger, and grief. He is still with his OW (although they are not married and do not live together). I'm angry that they are going to Church and playing at respectable 'Happy Families' with her kids and our kids. They are financially well-off, while I am struggling. They seem to be reaping good rewards from their sins - why is that? Where is the karma? How dare they go to Church and pretend to be Good Christians after what they did? I feel grief - grief that I was taken away from my family and brought to another country, only to be deserted, with no way of getting back home. (I can't afford to go home, and with 50:50 custody of the kids, I am not even allowed to leave the state without his permission - which he would never give).
I'm sorry this post is so long....I just feel so mixed up inside. My emotions are so up and down all the while. I still dream about my WH all the while. I have nightmares about the affair and the OW. I feel so STUCK - I just want to make it all go away and be able to move on, but I just can't seem to be able to do that. I really need your help!
