WOF5 - I agree that I am getting wonderful pearls of wisdom. I am very fortunate to have such kind souls help me through this awful situation. I also agree with you about my WAH. Yes, I believe he is sick, very sick. He was severly depressed when he left and blamed me for how awful he felt. Just like I cant be responsible for his happiness, I cant be responsibile for his saddness. He made the choices that lead him down that road.

He later came back and said the reason he was so depressed is because he was trying to make himself love me when he really did not have any love left for me. Do I buy this story....absolutely not. Its funny, up until a month ago he was saying that we has a great M until I made him put his grandmother in a nursing home (I became too ill to take care of her. I wonder why???). Now, he has re-written our history that the last 10 years have not been good. When he said this I kind of chuckled inside because I had been waiting for the re-writing to happen. At least they all follow the book to some degree, so I was prepaired. As I am shaking my head on the inside I actual was able to look at him and say "Oh, I cant imagine how hard it must have been to try and work so hard at a relationship that you just did not want anymore. I can hear how much pain it made you feel." Whatever! See, I really was working at plan A for a little while there.

As far as maggot goes....well, she is no winner. Only been married once but she is the one who ran away from that R. Its funny, one night when I was still talking with OEO he actually went into detail on how hard her D was for her. Poor maggot!Started to describe how her exH like to sit in front of the computer all the time and never like to go out and only had a limited number of friends he wanted to hang out with and was judgmental of others (he was actually sitting there describing himself. I felt really bad for him at that moment but did not say anything about it). She wanted someone to have lots of fun with and so left him. They were married only 4.5 years. Towards the end of the D, she actually started to bring guys from bars home WHILE HER H STILL LIVED IN THE HOUSE WITH HER! She also lost her best friend because she was flirting with her BF's boyfriend and really has no one close to her other than family. These are all little tibits that I was able to look back at and remember from conversations OEO has given me before the A started. Yes, they are both very broken.

I truly wish for him to wake up as well but dont see it happening anytime soon. He is the only one who can chose his path. I have to live my life to the best of my ability.

So, I got a phone call from the car insurance agent. Did I mention that OEO totaled his car about 2 weeks agao? Well, seems that he called them up and had me removed from the insurance plan. That means that if she had not contacted me I would be driving around w/o car insurance. I had to promptly re-establish my own insurance. It is still going to come from the same pool of cash, but at least it is in my name. I knew this needed to be seperated at some point anyway, just a p!ssy way to find out that it is going to happen now. Guess it is his way of throwing a little bit of a tantrum.

I called my bro who has been out of town on business to give him the heads up that OEO wants something. I refuse to read the email because it will only anger me further. My bro can filter it for me.

God, sometimes I just wish I had a crystal ball to see if he is ever going to be capable of pulling is head out of his @ss!

Sometimes it takes years for the recto-cranial extraction, your OEO milage may vary.

Sad, but true...

So, I have been reading through believer's threads and once again I am smacked with the difference between her WAH and mine. Hers wanted her from the begining, was just not willing to give up his GF. Mine has said from the moment that I found out about the A that he no longer loves me and does not want me. The reason I bring this up is because I am having a very difficult time finding any WAS that say they dont love their LBS on D day and then change their mind. Does it really ever happen?

The only success stories I keep finding are the ones where the WAS is wanting to keep both partners during the A, the ones that just dont know what they want. Once the LBS walked away, then the WAS was forced to chose. My H has already chosen and it was NOT his family. Guess I am feeling a bit down at the moment and wanted to know if others agree with my theory.

I am living my life for me at this point, yet it still seems hard to believe that I will one day be D. <Sigh> It is what it is and I can only make the best of my situation at this point.

OEO is very upset he's not allowed sleep overs at your home ... this is very very telling.

It is NOT about DS. It's about keeping the connection going.... you're incorrect. He still wants you tied to him while he keeps maggot sucking his ..... .... ego .... I was going to say ego

"So, I have been reading through believer's threads and once again I am smacked with the difference between her WAH and mine. Hers wanted her from the begining, was just not willing to give up his GF."

Wrong, my dear. My WH left and never looked back. I spent months not hearing a word from him. He gave me zero money and I had to take in a roommate to make ends meet. And he did similar things, like drop me from the insurance without letting me know.

He was very cold and didn't give me a moments thought. When he came to get his Harley, he was willing to run me over to escape with it.

It was only after the affair ended that he got back to normal.

Oh thank you both for giving me such encouraging words. I was having a down moment after finding out that he removed me from the insurance last night. I then got an email this morning from OEO's bro's wife saying that we should not hang out for this month because OEO is throwing many tantrums over the fact that we are still friends. She wants to let things cool off a bit and get together after the holidays. Made me sad to hear but I understand. I have appreciated all of the support that they have given me and dont want to make things tougher for them, they are HIS family after all.

Ok, so I guess O Enlightend One is following the typical script after all. Still not going to hold my breathe that he is going to come home, but it is nice to see that it could be a possibility at some point. Thank you both once again for helping to pick me back up.

Everything in your situation is going by the book. I could have predicted his family's reaction.

My SIL and I were best friends. We did everything together. When the affair started, she stopped contacting me, and I have not heard from her for 4 years. It is just the way the script goes.

So you can be very hopeful that the plans here will work.

Ok, I just want to vent here for a moment. OEO has not found out that I am not going tolet him in the house after the new year. My bro has not had a chance to send him an email. So, I was checking our joint bank account to see if he has paid the house bill yet (for Nov I might add) and I saw a transaction for a Days Inn. Guess he is going to take son for an overnight visitation. Not a problem but he should have discussed it with me first. I know he was thinking that I would come home this evening and they would be gone. He probably wanted to scare me....well, I have already packed a bag for son.

Here is the part that ticks me off. He has spent 140.00 for the hotel room for the night. Is he planning on doing this every week, 2x's a week. At that rate we will be bankrupt and the house payment will no longer be able to get paid. Is there anything I can do? I guess I should talk to my L tomorrow, but dang it, that even cost money.

Why do they have to act so ugly when they are the ones who thru us away????

So, I guess maybe I jumped the gun on assumptions.....I get back home and OEO's car is still parked out front. I give him the signal and he leaves. Son is upstairs asleep. Hmm....what is the hotel charge for then? WTF???? I guess I need to contact my bro and have him find out what the charge is all about. Lesson here - try not to jump to any assumptions. Still, he has been acting so crazy these last 6 months that all I can do is assume the worst in order to protect myself. I hate that I have to think that way.

I thought you were in plan B ?

Well Pepper, I am. Still, he took money from our joint account that is only suppose to go for 1) the house payment 2) utilities 3) other bills and 4) our son. I am NOT contacting him but I think I have a right to know why he is taking money that was not jointly agreed upon. My bro will be the one asking, not me. If there is not a reasonable explination, then I know I can ask to get a refund at negotiations. Sound resonable?

Maybe I misunderstood your statement about Plan B. Let me see if I am learning.

Plan B is not a means to punish our WAS or to try and win them back. It is a means to protect US for the harmful spew they spout out at us. It is a way to try and gain peace back into our lives during an otherwise chaotic period. It is to find safe harbour during the storm.

So, by me following the money, even though we both have agreed that it is only to be used for the things I listed above, I am still emotionally staying connected because of the anger I feel when he breaks the rules. The truth is, he CAN break the rules regaurding our finances and there is not much I can do about it at this point. Later, when negotiating the D, these transactions can be discussed. There is no point in creating drama for myself when I have no control over it at this moment.

So, I am not going to even bother looking at what transactions take place with the money. I am only going to focus on my individual account so that I can keep my head high and not go realling on that emotional rollercoaster. I am not having my brother contact him for anything at this point. I will let him initiate all conversations with my brother so that I can just continue to move towards a better place emotionally. This time is about me learning to no longer think of him or react to him. It is about preparing myself for the divorced. Once the M is over, I will have to live like this anyway, might as well start to practice now.

Did I get it?

That's pretty much how I see it, too. Its also a time to look at how you can improve yourself as a person, not necessarily as a partner.
Its like, before I was pretty focused on what he did and said, since I was looking for clues about where he was about the M. Now I don't go there, because he has said where he is re: the marriage, but I am not in the same place, but I don't feel like I need to try to convince him where he should be.

I don't think WS's are in the best place to make a life decision and I don't we need to be around all their dysfunctional spew in the meantime.
Hang in there!!

BF439

Hey BF, I saw you reference me in Pepper's other post to that crazy WAH. Yes, mine is always wishing me peace and happiness....guess it make him feel more powerful knowing he has found his ENLIGHTEND path. After all, he IS just trying to show me how all of this is better for everyone. Whatever.

So, OEO (O Enlightend One) has been sending my bro and fury of emails saying how I am being so unreasonable.....after all, I am making it diffficult for him. I mean, according to him I shoud be rolling over and doing whatever makes him happy and appreciating the wisdom that is being passed on to me. Thankful my bro is filtering such spew from me. Although a comment did come out about some information that OEO should not have known yet does....my parents took out a line of credit on their home in case I needed the money. Some how OEO knows about this. My first thought is that he has installed a keylogger on my pc and is tracking my email. After frantically searching for reference to this and then calling my parents, we determined that this conversation occured before I changed email accounts. He admitted to reading my email on my old account and is now using this as justification that I am a bad person....um, ok then, guess because I will not play by YOUR rules and make things easy for you to have an A, then I must be a bad person. Again, I am thankful for the filter my bro is providing.

This is the first weekend OEO has with our son at a hotel. My S was not looking forward to it. Part of me is happy that it will be a stained visitation, yet I dont want my son to have to go through this pain either. He has seen me try over and over again to make this work, while OEO lies and lies to him. I hate the heartache that he has to endure. I know the only thing I can do is be there for him and help build him back up. Sucks that my S only has one responsible parent at this time.....but hey, at least his father has seen the "LIGHT". Well, good for him......

It floors me what WS's who are so wayward cling to to justify hurting people in thier lives. It sounds like your husband is banking on his new path being right and all actions that support it therefore are justified, and on top of that if only you were as enlightened as he is, you'd be in complete agreement.

I'm glad you've got a pretty good filter -- you need that space from someone who is so hurtful to you. Sometimes it helps me to think of it this way: if you weren't married to him, you probably would not want anything to do with him as he is, so until he gets healthy, he isn't worth your time or energy.
Hang in there!!
BF439

You know who it really is? You know who he is really trying to convince - don't you? The little voice inside (the voice he ignores) that voice that is telling him he's not dressed in finery, he's really naked.

Yes Pepper....I know he is really just walking aroung in his underwear....he is lost and thinks that by getting rid of me and chosing the "fun" maggot then his life will be so much better.

Ok, I need to vent some here. <Sigh> This entire situation is just so awful for my son. This weekend was his weekend with OEO. They stayed at the hotel and S said it was a great time (I truly am glad he had fun, he needs to smile so for that I am grateful). Apparently the reason it was so great is because they sat in the room and played a computer game all night Friday night and most of the day Saturday. There are so many FREE things to do with kids where I live, couldnt he have done something with him......Awww, but that would me actually making a true effort. Video games are easy!

During his stay with OEO, my son was kept up until 11pm at night both nights. He is a very sensative kid and does not do well with sleep deprevation. He always becomes very emotional when he is tired. OEO KNOWS this about our son and up until recently made it a point to have S in bed on time in order to continue to help him emotionally. Now I get the job of dealing with the emotional mess that his fatigue is causing.

So, when my son walks in the door tonight from his visit he starts bawling (he just turned 9 a couple of months ago). OEO was pulled over by the police because he was speeding and I guess he has 2 outstanding speeding tickets. The policeman said that if my son had not been in the car OEO would have been arrested. Scarred my son half to death. Now his is frightend that his dad could go to jail at any moment........ARRGGG!

I just needed to let out some of this anger because I dont my S to see that I think his dad is just a piece of sh_t right now. Even if our M cant be saved, I just wish he would pull his head out of his behind so that he can step up as a parent......again, I can only control myself.

OEO is circling the drain. It's hard to be the hero to your son when you're threatened with jail time for breaking the law.

Ok, so I have a question for you wise MB people who have been through this stuff. O Enlightend One keeps cc: me on his emails he sends to my bro. Now, before I get an onslaught that I am not in Plan B, I have already stated that my email account does NOT automatically delete email, it simply puts them in the delete folder. I have to manually open the "delete" folder to tell it to empty contents.....so, I do see when there are emails from him. I DO NOT READ THEM!

M brother has told me that OEO is very very angry at me. Bro says it is because I have now taken his power over me away. Bro says that when OEO talks to him it is all justification and no remorse. He was not happy in the M and so it was ok that he moved on....blah blah blah. OEO refuses to see that my NC is a consequence of his A and a way to let me heal. He still believes A was not wrong.

Here is my question......OEO is acting so petty now with the things he is saying to my bro (and my bro is sheltering me from this. He will not tell me what is said, just that OEO is throwing a tantrum). If he doesnt feel bad for his A and wants to D me so badly, why is he so mad? I just dont get it. He is the one who wants this D, well now I am showing him what D will be like. So what is his problem?

Please someone help me to understand because I sure dont.