H has been out of the house for 2 weeks. Just a separation, not Plan B since MB does not work on addicts and I did it with every intention of divorce anyway.

H is saying he will do anything to save us. He has disclosed things from his childhood that may be a factor in his possible SA and is searching for a therapist that specializes in them.
My question is how do I know he is for real this time? I have been doing really well with the separation and have actually been feeling more relief than anything else. But I still hold on to the possibility that he could change....

We have not talked about our issues very much since the separation as I feel he is not capable of the radical honesty I would need without counseling and it would be a waste of time. I guess I'm just wondering if someone could give me some advice as to what I should be looking for to determine his sincerity. I don't want to walk away from our family if he can do this, but don't want to waste any more time with his stalling tactics either...

I thought about raising the bar really high as far as requirements to come home- not only radical honesty but a polygraph as well, perhaps a post nup, stuff that like to see how serious he is but I don't know if this is the right approach to take with an addict.

For those reading this who don't know my situation, I've been married for 5 years to a possible SA who has been involved in numerous EA's via internet and phone for the past two years. There have also been instances of personal ads on dating and NSA sex websites. I have no evidence of a PA but highly suspect there has been at least one...

Please help!

I assume you mean Sexual Addiction.





Not Sexual Abuse

Not Substance Abuse

What actions has he taken?

Has he called Patrick Carnes' clinic in Arizona?

Has he bought any of Patrick Carnes books like "Out of the Shadows" or "Facing the Shadows" or "A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps: The Classic Guide for All People in the Process of Recovery"?

Does he have a tough SA 12 step sponsor who will hold him accountable for his recovery steps and not coddle him or enable him?

What kind of questions is he asking? The kind like "Oh just give me another chance to show you?" or "What do I need to do to have you feel safe?"

One thing that I did early on is make a plan. I knew I didn't have enough resources to separate permanently. So I had an action plan. I couldn't control my husband, couldn't make him stop or behave. But I could control me. So I wasn't mean or destructive in how I treated him because that would make me feel bad about myself. But I was aloof. When I saw that he was working on himself harder than he was working on convincing me, I felt I could stay under those conditions, even though it wasn't ideal and he wasn't any where close to meeting my needs.

The minute he shifted blame to me, I would withdraw. I would state simply I was working my own anon program, and allowing him room to work his program (sort of a 2 hour Plan B) until he cooled off, called his sponsor and got told I was right...

That's how we got through to a fairly decent marriage-building type marriage now. He's been in the 12 step program for 14 years now. Started studying Patrick Carnes stuff shortly after that.

Is there an urgency to make a decision about the separation right now? Are you both in stable surroundings where he could begin recovery on his own, and not in the home?

I would suggest AT LEAST a 6 month separation until you consider living together again. This gives him time to begin working a program, working with people, dealing with his issues. And if everything goes well and he truly is choosing his family, then perhaps entertain the idea of you living under the same roof.

Follow you gut in this instance. Do not listen to the nagging voice that somehow you are doing his recovery harm if you ask for a post nup or extended separation, or other boundaries. That's what the addiction wants, is a guilty S so the addiction can continue.

BTDT, gone down many a stalled road of SA recovery. We are finally in a much happier place. 15 years M, and 13+ years of it under the smog of SA...it's like a new M now.

Update- H found a therapist that specializes in addictions and has an appointment for tomorrow.

And yes, I am referring to sexual addiction.

I agree that this separation needs to last a while. I will support him in his counseling, but think its pointless to work on rebuilding this marriage until he has some time to focus on his issues.

I don't feel guilty about setting boundaries and raising the bar high for a possible reconcilation, just didn't know if there was a different approach for dealing with SA.

Thanks you for your responses and any other suggestions for how to make it through this would be appreciated.

New Update- H was not able to go to the appointment (very legitimate reason) but is at his first SA-Anon meeting right now. Still waiting to hear how that went....

I do have a question though-should I be trying to meet his EN's? I'm afraid if I stop being cold to him he will think everything is ok and stop making an effort to change (partially my fault since I've always let that happen).

We are still living apart and are acting friendly towards one another. We've had to spend a lot of time together lately do to family issues and he's been acting like everything is normal...

As I said earlier, I don't want to work on our marriage until he has time to begin working on his issues, but should I worry about us growing apart while that happens?

I don't buy this sexual addict stuff at all. How can wanting to have SF with every attractive woman you see be an illness?

Hot-
I don't know what to tell you. I only had one d-day. D-Day+1 I said go to a therapist or we are divorcing. I told him I had already consulted one lawyer. So there's been no "Is THIS it this time?"

He went, and we haven't looked back.

We never did a separation. We don't have room for an "inhouse" separation. (We have two children in a two bedroom home.)

In AA, they tell people not to make any relationship decisions the first year of sobriety. I think that's a good thing to go by. It took 9 months of sobriety/recovery work before I saw any changes. It was at the one year mark that we really could start repairing our marriage. I think this is pretty common.

Now, our marriage is completely different. So much better. We still have work to do. I'd like to go through HNHN with my H now, since his triggers are emotional in nature.

You need to heal you now. Are you going to COSA or S-Anon meetings? The best thing I did was see a therapist who dealt with sex addictions. She was able to put all the puzzle pieces together. (In my case-my childhood played a role in this.) Do you understand addiction? Sex addiction? What are your boundaries? Will the old ones you've created still work? How much do you want to know about your husband's recovery? Everything? Or can you say "his problem, his to fix" and stay out of it?

SA is considered a family disease, just like alcoholism. Recovery, in the beginning, tends to be a selfish process for those involved. Personally, I was more concerned with "What does this mean now for me?" than I was filling my husband's EN.