So, my story goes like this:
On December 31st, 2007, I intercepted a text message on my husbands cell phone from a woman he works with. A little spy work and I discovered that since September of 2007, the two of them had been spending every waking moment either talking to or texting each other. I had a very hard time with this, his "emotional affair", because we have always been very close, and had a really good relationship.
This year has been horrific. He changed into the most mean person. He wouldn't speak to me for days and days, then be okay for a week, just to start ignoring me again. Picking fights over nothing, that sort of thing.
On September 25, 2008, I came home from work to find him in tears. He had told me the night before that he was going to work, when in fact, he had gone to her house, where he was then (finally) caught by her boyfriend. He told me he only went to hang out with her, and watch movies. He liked her company. And, because I am an idiot, I believed him. Even after her boyfriend called me to let me know he had caught my husband and her together, with my husband hiding in the closet, I still believed him when he said that there was nothing sexual going on.
In three days, his conscience must have finally caught up to him, and he confessed to the whole thing. They started having sex in January, after I knew about the phone calls/text messages and begged him to get away from her.
He still works with her. It was the only thing I had asked for when we decided to stay together and work this out, I needed him to not work with her anymore. It has been months, and he still leaves me every night to go to work with her, knowing what it does to me.
I just needed to tell somebody what has happened to me. I have nobody to talk to, and feel very alone.

I would move this to the general questions forum. You will probably get more responses and some very good advice.

If he still has contact with her at all, your marriage will not heal and you both will not be able to work on your marriage. If he is not willing to quit his job and find another - he is still involved in the affair. Sorry, but that is my take on it - from someone who has been there, done that, and now has an OC on the way from H and OW. Good luck to you!

If you want to keep him - and you don't have to - you will have to expose the affair to their bosses at work, to their families and your family, to important friends, to church elders...anyone who will put pressure on them to stop the affair. One of them will have to quit their job. He will have to agree to never ever see her again. Are you willing to do all that? If not, you might as well sign up for a divorce. He will not stop on his own. Almost unheard of.

Hey tjp

Be assured that you have made the same old mistakes that BS do. Plaese continue to read the articles. The saga is far from over.

You need to be warned of the stages of grief, withdrawal and backsliding that is absolutely common but so devastating to the betrayed parties.

Yes, there is hope after this pain. Be prepared for a horrible ride though.

((Hugs))

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm very confused right now. My world has just been crumbling around my feet for over two months, but I have to try to keep it together for my kids...Difficult to say the least.
Any advice would be appreciated at this point. He seems very remorseful, and ashamed. He had told me that it is over between the two of them, that he hated the person he was when he was involved with her, but how will I ever know? How do I trust the same person who has been lying to my face for over a year? How do I believe anything that comes out of his mouth?
I think that's asking too much of me. Trust isn't in my vocabulary anymore.

Find out the stuff here about transparency. If he is truly remorseful, you can work on this together - you tell him to give you all his passwords to all his online sites he goes to. The code to read his text messages. He has to tell you where he is all the time. If she is trying to contact him, you will change all his contact numbers like email addresses and phone numbers. He needs to write a No Contact letter to her, telling her he never wants to see her again, and you read it and send it to her yourself.

tjp.

But how could he make good on any promise never to see her again if they continue to work together?

Have you exposed to his employer? Human Resources and his boss. If not, DO IT. Do NOT tell him you're going to do it. JUST DO IT.

One (or both) of them may get fired, and even if it's him, it would be the best thing that could happen for your marriage. Easier to find a new job than go through the pain and expense of a divorce.

Have you read enough on this site to understand what you must do in what we call Plan A? It has elements of both "carrot" and "stick," and you must do both. Exposing at work is part of the "stick."

Right Here Waiting

I encouraged him to tell his immediate supervisor, thinking that would get him moved away from her. The supervisor sees no problem with the two of them working together as long as they stay professional. When asked, my husband told the supervisor that he had no issues professionally with working with her, that the issues were personal. After that, obviously, the supervisor told my husband that he created this problem, and it wasn't the company's responsibilty to fix it, therefore, they remain together.
When he told me about the affair, the only thing that I asked for was the two of them to not work together anymore. That's it. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting to be made a fool of again, just waiting for the two of them to fall back into their old habits because after I found out about the phone calls/text messages they started making all of their plans when they were at work.
I've written 5 letters to send to all the chain of command staff at his work. They are in my truck right now. In stamped envelopes. They feel like a bag of thousand pound bricks. Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?

Wake up!

Most likely the supervisor is his friend and wants to bury things. He was to far down the food chain to expose.

You need to expose to the CEO, Human Resources Director, and the Board of Directors.

OW is 35 years old, has 3 kids, and a BOYFRIEND?
Do you know if the boyfriend is the father to any of her kids?
Do you know if OW and boyfriend live together?

Were her 3 kids at home with her when your WH went to her place (and later hid in the closet)?

Has your husband had a vasectomy?
Have you both been checked for STDs?


Here are my thoughts.

1. They still "see" each other at work, and therefore chances are huge the affair is ongoing (no matter what WH says .... liars lie).

2. You need a discussion with the boyfriend. Find out what he knows and how he is keeping an eye on OW at his end (if he cares).

3. You need to put a GPS on WH's vehicle. (PLEASE do not tell WH about MB or let him see where you go on the internet).

4. You need to think about what you want to do if you find out the affair is ongoing. "Think about" does not mean make an announcement to WH. WH needs to be kept out of the loop of any plans you are making - for now - he's not to be trusted - he's working with OW.

No, kids were not home. Boyfriend is the father of all three. She moved out of his house in March 08, and from what he says, she told him she was leaving him for my husband. That move just made it more convenient for their "movie watching" sessions. He called me the day after he caught them. He just wanted to let me know. His own form of exposure, even though they aren't together anymore. Husband got a vasectomy in August. I have been tested for STD's. Thank God he forced himself to wear a condom, at least that's what he said. I'll never know...

What are your thoughts about GPS?

I have looked into it. I'd have to buy two, one for the personal vehicle, and one for the work vehicle. That gets pricey $$$$. I'm afraid of what that would do to me. I'm already not happy with the person that this has turned me into. He said hello to a waitress the other day when we took our daughter to dinner for her birthday, and I nearly lost my mind. GPS would have me showing up everywhere I thought he might be seeing her. Crazy
B!@#h would be an understatement! Oh, that did just make me laugh, though. Haven't done that in a long time...

Is the work vehicle one that is only driven by your H?

What is your plan?

he is lying on this one. why would he force himself to wear one when there was no chance she would get pregnant. anyone dumb enough to have an affair is not smart enough to use protection.

yeah - I discovered the A when I found an UNopened box of condoms - they NEVER used condoms

It is RARE for us to read about adultery WITH condoms - just so you know.

This is from another user. His wayward lied all the way up to the lie detector test and probably would not have come clean without the threat of D.

Why don't you just go to Radio Shack and buy a voice-activated recorder, and stick it under the seat of his car? You can hear his phone calls to her, recorded, and use it for proof when you expose.

Yes, it is his. No one else drives it.

I've been trying to do Plan A, but I'm not in control of my emotions and I keep venting my spleen of anger on him. We have a few good days, and then I loose it, and we have many bad days. He swears it's over. I have no way to confirm it. I don't know if I've given A enough time, and should go to B until the work issue is resolved. I'm so confused.