HI all,

I am wondering, any thoughts about this comment from my husband to me the other night: "You don't have to worry about it anymore, Gineva. As long as the marriage remains 'good', then there will be no more affairs."

Thanks.

I'll take a shot at translating:

"The second I decide that I'm not all that happy, I'm going to have another affair and blame it all on you."

sounds like a veiled threat to me !

Respond - "Does that mean that if I don't like how the marriage is going, I can get myself a boyfriend or two?"

See how he responds to that...

If he says "yes", run to the hills - he ain't a keeper lady, and you're better off without him.

If he says "no", and then tries to explain his position / excuse his words, he might have put his foot in his mouth and resorted to WS-Speak by accident. Go easy on him, but keep a close eye on him.

Are you the one that had the affairs after you found out about your husbands affairs, Geneva?


You need to really determine what a good marriage is, what it looks like.

Read here to get some ideas, especially from the strong, committed men/women who post.

Once you determine what a good marriage is, please get yourself a good solutions focused coach/counselor to help you.

From what I have read of your sitch (if I read them correctly) your husband is not going to change until he absolutely has to. I think you said the last counselor said he was deeply disturbed (whatever that means), but anyway you've got some changes to make as well.

It's up to you to demand no less than a good marriage, but you are going to need some help to get to that place, and to learn what it even looks like.

THINLY veiled!

How did you keep from kicking him?

Oh .... affairs a-go-go in this marriage

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=154093&Number=2160243#Post2160243

Veiled? I saw no veil.

You have both had multiple affairs - are you in marriage counseling?

Oh good grief - she and her H might actually deserve each other...

Hi all,

Thanks much for your speedy responses and interpretations, because am confused about his statement too!

Yes, that is me with the 4 affairs after I found out about his two, then a third one. First one, I didn't go out and find someone. I "sort of" let it go after a year or so. He said it was a "drunken sailor" night with a woman we knew in a car in a bar parking lot (no intercourse he said, but other "stuff", and she said same thing to me when I when to see her). (bad enough as it was).

2nd one was 11 months, one of his clients, he said they were "just friends" for 6 months...going to her parents' house for dinner, going to dinners themselves, went to AC (Atlantic City) overnight once! (she paid all, all of the time...she is VERY wealthy)...parties with her friends in the city (NYC) where she lives (she is single, never married, but has/still does a steady boyfriend for many years! The he said, the last 1.5 months it got sexual "a bit" (no intercourse he said, just other "stuff", and she said same thing to me when I called her).

3rd one, was 2.5 months...one of his new "riding" buddies from the motorcycle club..said they were just friends...going to her friends' homes her home!, her friends' parties, her daughter's house and babysitting her grandchildren with her! (she is 10 years his senior, as was the first one, the 2nd one, about 4 years younger than he). And this one had breast cancer, bald, wore a wig! (he said no intercourse with her, no other "stuff", just making out and lying next to her on her couch and falling asleep few times). This one paid for eveything too, he said, had money, but not as much as the 2nd one. Was divorced 3x.

No, no marriage counseling..well, once long time ago, but, went once, he doen't beleive in, gave the counselor a hard time, and she told us to get out, don't come back.

Then took him to my psychologist at the time about a year ago, he went 2x with me, and yes,that is the fellow that said he is deeply disturbed individual, and needs psychiatric evaluation and possibly meds. (he didn't tell my H that though, just me, and the people in the group counseling I was in with this psychologist moderating.) But the H did not like this psychologist, nor the whole counseling thing of course, and told me "he (psych) was asking leading questions and is an idiot, and that was the end of that." He said we can fix this marriage ourselves, we don't need any outside people, they only make it worse.

So, I stumbled upon this site in my quest to find out what the hell is going on, and try to "counsel" ourselves. I bought and downloaded almost all of Dr. Harley's radio shows, put them on cds, and we listen to them at home or when we are in the car together. They have helped alot, my H really likes them, and says Dr. Harley is very smart, and black and white and to the point! (he likes that, black and white, as that is how he describes himself).

So, I don't get it. For our entire marriage before this, he always would say about other cheating people "If either one of us cheats, then this marriage is over." Now, seems to be a different story.

I went out and found other men, had affairs which consisted of going to dinners, movies, beach, walks, gym, etc etc. dating type stuff..no sex, no other stuff, but, some making out with some (some I was like, ugh!!! go away!!!). I just wanted to see what all the hoopla was all about. But did find out, just how easy it was to have relationships with men! (I am pretty good looking, as even as of last weekend, couple men out of the blue just walked up to me and said "wow! you are beautiful!" with my H walking or standing next to me! (this happens alot since I was teenager - 50 now, but people think I am 35 about - I even get proofed for cigarettes here and there). Would never have done what I did re affairs had he not.

Sorry for long-winded, but, think you deserve to hear full story. And I am really looking for some help here. Especially since the weird comment (my question you are trying to help me with) from him to me the other night.

At this 50 juncture, children in college now, and what has happened...I just want to make a decision of what to do with the rest of my life. That's all. To stay or to go.

Thanks much, love, peace and namaste to you all, and your heartaches, may they be resolved as well soon.

-Gineva

So are you saying the marriage is good right now? Is your H fully invested, committed and doing his part to have a good marriage?

How did his last affair end? And what made you stop with yours?


Yeah, okay. I would say that the members of this site are all above average in every way, including the atractive part.... BUT they value their marriages, vows, families, etc. This is what keeps them from just blowing off their WS and living the single life.

Do you value marriage? Commitment? What is it that you want?



I am really confused. Are you afraid he is going to cheat again, or are you looking for a way out?

Also, did you ask him what he meant by his remark? What did he say?

Marriage is really hard in the first place and if you are not committed to the vows you made, or if you have one foot in the door and one foot out, well you are not going to have a good marriage. I'm un clear if this is one or both of your attitudes towards marriage, or not.

I wonder about this every day. Never before would I have had an A, but now I am scared of what may happen if the opporunity presents itself. That still does not make it WRONG or UNACCEPTABLE, but my cynical view would kick in. If WW was in the same position, how would she react. oh wait, I already know, so why should I not do the same. I have in fact told her this. But I still know deep inside I took a vow before my family and friends, and upholding my word means more to me than WW I suppose.

Question: What is your philosophy now on affairs? If the marriage stays good, are you not going to have more? Answer this in yourself...why you base your choices on what others' choose to do...how do you know you will not choose another affair if the marriage doesn't stay the way you want it?

LA

So are you saying the marriage is good right now? Is your H fully invested, committed and doing his part to have a good marriage?

How did his last affair end? And what made you stop with yours?

His ended as soon as I caught wind of them, confronted him with the hard evidence, he immediately told the women not to contact him anymore (both himself in person, and then over emails with both of us on computer together writing them). He told them he did not want to lose his wife.

Mine, I just told them I am going to try working it out with my husband, and not to contact me anymore.

I don't know what it is anymore, this marriage, actually...that is what I am trying to figure out and move on one way or the other. He says he is "committed" now, (ater 28 years of marriage and 5 years dating before that! We met when we were 17).

Yeah, okay. I would say that the members of this site are all above average in every way, including the atractive part.... BUT they value their marriages, vows, families, etc. This is what keeps them from just blowing off their WS and living the single life.

I did always value my marriage, (never ever thought he was a cheater, never was, till 5 years ago), but since the cheatings, and all the verbal, emotional and mental abuse and very controlling, from him over the years (alway thought it was my fault! guess, that is what he always told me!!!), I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe this cheating is a form of abuse, or control...in his own head anyway...

Do you value marriage? Commitment? What is it that you want?
Committment, and no more craziness, or "one upping the other" anymore, I don't want to live like that.

I am really confused. Are you afraid he is going to cheat again, or are you looking for a way out?

I am not afraid he may cheat again..don't know...he lied and betrayed me so much.

Also, did you ask him what he meant by his remark? What did he say?

He said "as long as we are loving, kind, and honest with each other, no one will want to stray".

Marriage is really hard in the first place and if you are not committed to the vows you made, or if you have one foot in the door and one foot out, well you are not going to have a good marriage. I'm un clear if this is one or both of your attitudes towards marriage, or not. [/quote]

Don't know...

I read that post that La suggested...wow..you must be pscyhic! That I think says alot about my H, I think anyway...plus, the men-women communication thing. I grew up with all sisters and my mother, no father. And H grew up with all brothers, father and a mother, but she was a very tough cookie!! Unlike mine.

Very interesting. Don't know if he has guilt, though, he doesn't show it anyway.

That was very well written post too. Those people are very informed, very intelligent. Thank You.