My pre-A marriage wasn't very great because I didn't meet my WW's emotional needs and I exhibited LBs every once in a while. We had sex like once a month and slept in separate rooms for last couple of years..

She's having an affair for about two months now. I'm about to expose, hopefully tomorrow, but I feel like it will just push her to her OM and hate me.

I've been on plan A for about a month now and she has noticed that we get along better but still not breaking off affair. In fact, the reason why I'm considering exposing tomorrow is because she says that our marriage is over and she's going to file for D so I feel like a may have nothing to lose by exposing...

Any thoughts about effect of exposure if pre-A marriage wasn't very good?

Most aren't. That's what allowed the affair to happen. My marriage was crappy right before the A, and my WW hated me for about two months once I exposed, but guess what, she got over it. Your M may not have been good before the A, but now your biggest obstacle is OM. Your M will never get better as long as OM is in the picture.

Also, make sure you expose to some people on OM's side. He might have some good family members that will give him he11 over what he is done and make your WW no longer worth his while.

erich, if your marriage was good pre-affair, she wouldn't have had an affair. You described the rule, rather than the exception. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins the fantasy aspect. Helping her hide an affair is not going to help your marriage, but will harm it. Affairs are not good for marriages.

So, if you want to save your marriage, my advice would be to expose the affair. Not exposing it only ENABLES it. And as you can see, that is leading to divorce.

Thanks MelodyLane,

I sent an email to OM last night asking him to quit all contact with my WW. I can't find his home address or phone number. I found out where he went to high school and what his birthdate is but that's it and I think I found a sister of his on facebook.com but don't know if she would be a good person to expose to.....

I call my WW's parents but got their voicemail. I was going to send out an email to some of her closest siblings today exposing the affair and asking for support but I want to speak to her parents first. Should I expose the affair on the parents' voicemail if they dont' call back soon?

Today is exposure day!!! There will be hell to pay and I am a little scared but I don't know what else to do..

Just a Q: was your WW M'd when you met her?

I went ahead an sent an an email to who I believe is OM's sister. It's the best I can do so far. If she truly IS his sister and I get a response back, I will ask for their parents' contact info and call them...

The most important exposure here is to the OM's WIFE. I would get his address and phone # no matter what you have to do!! You cannot afford to not do this. what methods have you tried to get his address and phone #?


I would suggest doing it on the phone, no message. And do it like this: tell them you want to save your marriage and [real important!---->] ask for their advice! Asking for their advice seems to elicit more support. Ideally, you want them to have a stern talk with your W.


Be strong and be brave!

Exposure, done all at once and without warning, is your single most effective tool at ending the affair.

Your WW will be furious, just expect it.

She will say things like "I was going to end it, I was about to suggest counseling, but you've ruined that!" or "How can I ever trust you again?" She'll tell you she hates you, that she's entitled to privacy, that you're controlling, blah, blah, blah. Brace yourself and ride out the storm - she WILL get over it.

Her anger is a combination of guilt, and having her special little pretty secret brought out into the daylight where all the nasty warts and ugliness are apparent. She'll hate that, and she'll take it out on you. That's okay, it shows the exposure is having an effect.

Much more important than the pre-A marriage is how you handle yourself from this moment forward. Learn what her ENs are and strive to meet her top three in the ways SHE wants them met. Learn what Love Busters you engage in, learn to recognize them, and avoid them like the plague. One LB can undo tons of deposits you make by filling her ENs.

I agree with the other posters that the most important exposure you can do is to OM's wife.

OM is single. I'm about to expose to WW's siblings via email... Yikes.

Find his parent's info and expose to them. Hire a PI to track them down if you have to (it's < $150). If he isn't married, his parents have the single most influence over him. He may have delusions of marrying your WW and bringing her over for holidays. If his parents are decent at all, they will let him know that they will never accept an adultress in the family.

I will find his parents one way or another.

I just emailed to about 8 of her siblings. WW is going to be VERY ANGRY AT ME.

I am almost afraid to go home tonight...

Why?

Don't show fear. She will use it against you. She'll go berserk and tell you it's over, threaten you, etc., in an effort to get control back and to hurt you. Just pretend to not let it affect you. Don't let her bait you into an argument about it. Ignore her if she wants to argue with her. Be strong in front of her.

Why did her first marriage end?

what did you say in your email?

letter to sibs:

Dear Smith Family,

My wife is having an affair. I appeal to you for your support and any influence that you may be able to exert in this matter. I would value your prayers for our marriage, my wife, our children, and myself. I love V and will fight for her.

Sincerely,

Erich



First marriage, she didn't love the guy to begin with. Married him because they had a kid out of wedlock. She divorced him.

Sounds good. It sounds like what I did on the phone with my W's family, only at scream pitch with curses. Be strong. Keep us posted.

Oh, this could be important. I would tell her that the exposure was something you got advice from in reading Harley, in order to SAVE your marriage. Otherwise she may just think it is spiteful.

Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

Should I tell my wife that I exposed to all of these people or just let her find out?

Is she bigger than you? Can I ask why you are so scared of her?

lol. No, she's not bigger than me. She's very slim. But she can be violent. She has thrown things at me and hit me, but she's pretty harmless IMO.

I've just never done anything this brash and it's not in my passive personality. I'll make sure to stay calm and confident tonight.

I would tell her that you've exposed her sordid A

Erich, just don't let her scare you or bait you into a fight. When she lashes out at you and accuses you of all manner of things and make threats, just realize that you have taken the crack pipe from the crack head. When you do that, they are madder than hell. Just smile nicely and say: "I am sorry you are so upset, dear, would you like a potato chip?"

If she tries to kick you out or get you to agree to any divorce scheme [she may say this stuff to scare you into silence] just politely say "no thank you."