I am relatively new here to MB's. I have been reading about Affairs, Plan A and B for months. My story dates back in 6/07, I uncovered my WH was having an affair with a married female co-worker. Up until now, I have been in Plan A. I have done exposure to everyone who will listen. Family, friends, etc. We have 2 daughters 12 and 6. This is hurting them everyday. Finally, on 11/3/08, I had enough, I had a bad feeling he was up to no good. He made so many false promises throughtout the year, he would go to counseling, never went, he promised not talk to the OW, etc. I woke up on 11/3/08 and felt something was off. In the past few months, he would not touch me, come near me, and would barely say much to me. I told him I had enough and out of self respect for myself he had to leave our home. I could no longer take the daily rejection and stress he put on me. I heard all the wayword speech, ILYBNINWU, too much has happened, the past is too hard, I never felt for you even when we got married. I know you have changed and I recognize it but, I don't feel anything. It's too painful for me to re-live. He has been out of the house since 11/8/08, moved to his mothers home. Well he can't move in with her since she is still married and her husband is not going to do anything. I think he has affairs on her too. Years ago, we were friends with this couple and the man made advances at me. I told my H and he blew it off. Her H actually told my H in front of me that when he was out of town, it was okay for my H to take care of his W. I just found a bill showing on 11/3/08, he took off work, not telling me and went and spent over $300 on his girlfriend. He totally denies it and tells me I am spying on him and this is our whole problem since, I don't trust him. Still more fog babble. He says he doesn't want to talk to me through lawyers and is not ready for a divorce but can't promise this won't happen in the future. I allow him to see his girls but not in our home.
I have decided to go dark no matter how hard it is. I don't have anyone willing to be an intermediary. All friends and family do not want to get involved. I told him to contact me via email to discuss the children and any events surrounding their lives. My 12 yr old is under too much stress to endure their father walking in and out of their lives. He thinks if he drops by and hugs them, tells them he loves them and leaves that the kids are okay. I told him this is too destructive and they have feelings.
I really would love to save my marriage but I know he is not willing to discuss us, counseling, or anything further. Today, he left me a message at work stating he wants to see the kids this week. He just saw them Fri,Sat, & Sun. I could not call him since, we have an arrainged schedule & I feel he should not call me at work to discuss.
Can anyone give me some advice?


Me- age 34
WH - age 34
D's age 12,6
Married 12 yrs, together for 15yrs.
D-Day 6/07, 2nd D-Day 11/3/08
Separated 11/8/08.

Do you have a attorney, how are the finances handled and are you dependent on him for money?

"I have done exposure to everyone who will listen. Family, friends, etc."

Vague, no mention of exposing at work. No mention of OWH. Family, yours or his?

I am going to an attorney this Friday. I am self sufficient, have a full time job and very stable. I do expect child support and money for the kids extra-curricular activities. Right now, we still have our joint account together and he hasn't taken any money, yet.

I have exposed to OWH, his family, my family, his co-workers and the HR Dept at work. The OWH doesn't seem to care. Family and co-workers want to stay out of it. The company is a large company and doesn't seem like they are going to do anything.

Tonight my WH advised he has exhaused all efforts and isn't ready to discuss anything. He wants me to give him his space.

Well, today I receive a call from my brother who ran into my WH and is OW today on his lunch break. My brother was in complete shock and my WH actually came up and talked to my brother today like nothing was going on and right in from of the OW. My brother was so shocked he could hardly say a thing. He apologized for not saying something mean, but I told him I understand. What do you say to this man and his married girlfriend. My brother watched them the entire time laughing and flirting with each other. My WH just thinks no one gets it. He is so far in a fantasy that he doesn't even know. I haven't spoken to my WH about this. I am so angry inside but know it will do no good. WH will deny it anyways. My WH called me and forgot that our 6 yr old is being watched by my friend. He couldn't even remember she isn't going to daycare. He calls me a bad parent but, at least I know where my children are. I just don't know where to go from here. I am meeting with an attorney but do not want to file. I wish there was something I could do.
I feel hopeless and out of control.

midwesthurting, I am so sorry that you are going through this and that your WH is being so hurtful to you. It sounds like you are at Plan B. Have you written your letter yet? I know I had to get a few things lined up before I could go there, but I know I also felt exhausted at that point. You sound pretty tired right now. When you write it, consider posting it here first.
I'm wondering about your self-care before you go dark -- who are your support people? Do you have a counselor? Have you considered anti-depressants?
The other thing you may want to look at is having someone here be an intermediary. With electronic communication you can have someone far away provide that buffer.
Check out 2much2Lose and TryingtoLive posts, they have some good information about preparing for Plan B and then going for it.

Take care of yourself and keep posting to let us know how you are.
BF439

WOW, i cannot believe you have endured this for so very long. My only advice would be to get into Plan B! [and I mean a DARK DARK Plan B] After you are in Plan b, do any exposures that you haven't already done. Such as, the workplace, the OW's parents, his parents, your parents, anyone else you can think of. It needs to be done by you in your words if it hasn't already been done.

So sorry you are here.

Thank you for your support. I wrote my WH a letter on 11/7/08. It was a letter expressing what I wanted out of the marriage. I guess it wasn't an official Plan B letter. I went dark today with no contact, besides texting him to bring the kids home tonight at a particular time. I wonder if I should actually write an official Plan B letter or just go dark. I speak to my family every day. My mom and girfriend are very supportive. It's funny the more I tell people my story, the more people want to help me during this time. My family & friends are worried about being an intermediary. They don't want to get sucked into dealing with him. Everyone is so angry at him. I have a few neighbors I confide in and they watched my WH withdraw from my life and our girls lives. It got to the point he would not even talk to our mutual friends. I am reading 2much2lose and trying2live's posts. Our situations are so similar sometimes it's scary. There are days I miss my WH so much and what our marriage was and then, I have to remember how disrespectful and hateful he has been to me. Today I am feeling pretty strong, but I know this is a long journey. I just wish my WH would wake up and see what he is doing to his life and ours. I will write soon.

Thank you for your post. I do feel going very dark is my only option. He continues to act like a single man who cares only about himself and what is good for him. He tried to contact me today but, I would not answer the phone. I sent him a text message stating the time to drop off our children. I am building strength right now to not see him at the door. I know he will try to push to talk with me but I just can't. Looking at him makes me so angry and the anger is not good for my health. I have been trying to work on me. Good news tomorrow I am going to my GF's B-Day party. I am so excited. I do plan on contacting the OWH again to inform him of his WW's and my WH's latest behaviors. I am also going to tell his friends and family. I am just trying to build courage to reach out and just do it. My family keeps telling me I have nothing to lose, he is already gone. They are right but it is hard to deal with.