Wow...I wish I had found this site 2+ years ago.

My story:

I had a brief EA with a co-worker two and a half years ago. My marriage was a disaster, and I considered leaving my husband. I developed very strong feelings for my co-worker, and considered myself to be very much in love with him. For a variety of reasons, though, I broke off the relationship and confessed to my husband. As you might understand, he did not take the news very well.

In fact, so began a two year period of verbal and emotional abuse on the part of my husband. I allowed myself to become his emotional punching bag...I felt I deserved it for my betrayal, and I felt powerless to stand up for myself. He never physically abused me, but in many ways, his words and actions have left more scars on me than any beating ever could.

Fast forward to now, 2.5 years later...after many months of therapy and urging from several conselours, he recently told me that he has forgiven me and that he is ready to move forward with our relationship. Wow...really? I have jumped through every hoop set out for me, been at his beck and call sexually, gone without meaningful affection for the entire duration, and now he is ready to bestow on me his love and forgiveness. I'm sorry, but it no longer matters to me.

Any love I have ever had for him is gone. I no longer even feel bad about the affair, which is quite scary, to be perfectly honest. I am completely numb about the whole ordeal. I look at him and see nothing but the father of my children. There is no spark left in my heart.

In the past month, he has been very affectionate, hugging and kissing me, buying me presents, opening doors for me, all the stuff he used to do when he courted me.

But it does nothing for me. It is as if my love bank will no longer take deposits from him. His efforts do not move me at all!!

So now what? I have seen him at his darkest in the last few years and I am no longer willing to allow him access to my heart. I would not date him if I met him today. The only thing keeping me in this marriage is the kids.

Any thoughts that might help us? He is doing all the right things NOW, but it seems as if it is too late to matter.

Thanks.

Have you ended ALL contact with your affair partner? Have you answered all of your H's questions openly and honestly to his satisfaction?

Have you been in counseling?

Melody,

Yes, I have ended all contact with my affair partner, and disclosed all information about the EA to my husband. I have taken two polygraph tests to prove my "sexual" innocence, as that was a major sticking point with him, but the fact that I passed never seemed to matter. He has always had trust issues with people, and believes no one.

But I guess you could say that I never really answered his questions to his satisfaction, because he was never satisfied with the fact that my affair was never anything other than emotional. He always probed for more details but there weren't any to give. He hasn't done that for over a year, though....

Prosperina, do you work with your OM?

Proser:

Here is the most important point:


Your husband has been hurt. Bad.

Others will describe it for you.

My only recommendation:

MB weekend.

For both of you.

And continue reading here.

You took the verbal abuse, but didn't learn how to work thru that.

Your husband turned a corner, and now wants to work on it.

You stood there for a long time, and wanted this to occur. Now it has.

MB Weekend.

Get on the same page.

LG

Yes, we have been in counseling, almost since the beginning. We have seen several conselours...if he doesn't like what one says, he finds a new one.

He has been going alone lately as I have stopped investing my time...I am at a very scary place emotionally right now, completely detached from my marriage.

What is really sad, though, is that the worse I treat him, the more I distance myself from him, the better he treats me, and the faster he chases me. If I make a move toward him, he begins to treat me badly again. What kind of sick game is he playing with me?

Prosperina, I second lousygolfers suggestion to go to a MB weekend. They really do work. You and your H can learn to fall in love again. My H and i went and it made an amazing difference. It is worth every penny and you will have weekly contact with Dr Harleys staff afterwards until you are done with your lessons. You will have daily access to Dr Harley on this forum.

This program is the absolute best on the market, IMO. Even Retrouville counselors go to this MB weekend when their own marriages are in trouble.

Most marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. They have an 84% FAILURE RATE and it amazes me that they can get away with that. They have a higher divorce rate than the general population.

Proserpina...

Welcome to MB. This is a place where great learning can happen, and where love can be restored- even if you think it is impossible at this point. It is a very solid plan, which is what it seems you have been missing over the past couple of years. My first suggestion to you would be to read everything in this site that Dr. Harley has written. Follow the plan...

But first, please answer Mel's question...Do you still work with your OM?

Melody,

The OM left my company.

LousyGolfer,

You are asking me to invest my heart in this relationship again, and I am not sure I can do that. I do not know if I can forgive him for the abuse I have suffered post-A. There were problems pre-A, too, and those aspects of his personality have still not been resolved.

Frankly, I don't like him anymore.

He's testing you. He's desperately trying to come to a decision whether or not he should be so vunerable to give his heart back to you again.

Your anger at him is misdirected, in that you don't sound completely remorseful for your A.


Which allowed the A to fourish in the first place. As a BH, I would not be comfortable with this either. Do you think your H doesn't somehow feel this?

All blessings,
Jerry

Proser:

Sorry.

What happened inthe Marriage prior to your A was 50% your fault.

Your EA was 100% your fault.

The fallout from that was your fault.

You can leave your marriage now. Today.

But don't blame him.

Your here now. You can fix this.

MB Weekend.

Discover what's really wrong.

It took you ten years or so to get here. It won't get fixed over night.

BTW, it looks like after 2 years he has found a way to FORGIVE YOUR A. So, maybe you need to do the same thing?

LG

Melody,

What if I can't learn to love him again? What if the love I originally felt was based on the "polished" version of him, and now that I have seen a different side of him, dark and ugly and mean, I am repulsed?

My EA was an aberration of my character. I am an honest and loving person. I am a good person. I made ONE mistake, and I worked my @ss off to fix it, to no avail.

My husband has repeatedly abused me in the last two and a half years. Said things to me and shown me sides of his character that make me recoil. Repeatedly.

I can forgive him, but I do not think I can forget.

When was the last time you had ANY CONTACT WITH HIM?


No he is not. He is telling you that you should go to a MB weekend if you want to find love with your husband.

And there is no "abuse" your H has heaped on you that even comes close to what you have done to him. There is no excuse for his verbal abuse, but there is no excuse for yours either.

If he can forgive you for your horrific assualt, then you can forgive him for his reaction to your abuse. When you rape someone, you run the risk of getting kicked in response.

How long ago did the OM leave the company?

How long has their been NC?

Have you had ANY contact? Phone, email, smoke signals, mental telepathy? When?

What if you can? You won't know unless you try.


His abuse was an aberration of his character. He was an honest and loving person. A good person. He made ONE mistake, and has worked his @ss off to fix it, to no avail. Right?


It will be much easier for you to forget his anger than it will for him to EVER forget your adultery. If you expect to be forgiven, then you need to be willing to afford it.

Guess what? He has seen the same dark side in YOU...and yet he has found a way to forgive.


I'm sure he feels the same way.

I have been in your shoes...YES you can fall back in love with him again, but you need to follow the plans laid out in this site. If you can make it to an MB weekend- GREAT! But, my hubby and I did it by following the plans right here in this site...FOR FREE! It can be done, believe me. But, you will have to work together as a team. You will have to "fake it till you make it." Feelings follow ACTIONS...not the other way around. It won't be easy, and it will take a while, but you owe it to yourself, your husband AND your children to at least TRY.

Shinethrough,

I don't sound remorseful for my A? You have no idea what I have done and tolerated and suffered at my husband's hands, and I have no wish to take this discussion there, either.

What if he had used his fists instead of his words to abuse me? Would that have been less acceptable to you?? Would my anger then be justifiable to you?