Great news!

You have taken the first step to being that man of honor and integrity.

Now you need to make sure your actions back up the choice you made yesterday to BE that man.

Your next step is extraordinary precautions (EPs). These are steps you take to PROTECT your marriage and Drgnfly. You've done some of this by changing your cell and email (that is already done, right?) There are many more things that need to be in place to really be successful at recovery. I suspect tst will be posting about this to you soon. His extraordinary precautions were CRITICAL to our recovery. These EPs are what make him worthy of my trust.

And remember, just like Pep said, come HERE when things are tough, when your emotions are reeling you all over the place. You don't have to go through this alone.

Skald, if you're sincere, the fog is called withdrawal and it will take time to overcome it. In the meantime, distract yourself positively by re-reading tst's list above and focus all your energies on creating the same kind of list for Drgnfly. Then do everything in your power to follow through without her having to tell you to or remind you. The more you focus on her and your recovery with her, the faster the fog will lift.

tst is a great example of someone who did it right, follow his lead.

LC

Skald,

Please take the time to read this link paying special attention to the 4 Rules.

LINK

Cell phone # was changed awhile ago, and OW does not have the # (even when I did break NC and called her, I did it as a private #, which I believe can not be traced back in any way, correct?) Even so, drgnfly will be carrying my phone for as long as she desires, so that she can see the OW won't be calling me on it.

All email addresses that the OW knew (I had several, none of which were created FOR the A, but somehow all were used to further our secrecy) are deleted. The accounts are inactive and can not be restored. I have one email address at home, which drgnfly will check before I do each day (AFAIK OW didn't know this address either). I have one email address at work which I created a rule to immediately and permanently delete any incoming email which contains any part of OW's name, AND any words in the subject or body that OW would likely use. I will contact my IT dept tomorrow and see if I can get it changed - spill enough details and I'm sure they will be willing to change it from my companies standard format.

At work our caller ID displays any incoming calls, so my co-workers are watching for the suspect names and will help me handle any attempts to contact me there. If she does attempt to contact me there it will most likely be from her work, and I will call (while she's not working) her boss and let him know that she is harassing me from the company phone.

I want to plug any obvious holes, and eliminate the chance that she can contact me. Any other ideas? You've all seen this before - please drop any hints that people usually use to contact somebody who doesn't want to be contacted.

The NC letter is in the mail today, OW will receive it in a day or two. I'd like to have as many precautions in place as possible before the fallout begins.

That being said - this thread got off to a very wrong start, for all the wrong reasons. Can I or should I begin a new thread for my questions etc? I've started to wake up, but I realize (now, almost too late) that I'm not out of the dark yet.

I plan on starting the new thread with this, but if that isn't a good idea - here it is:

I invited OWH to lunch today, and we talked for an hour. Was this a good idea, or a bad idea?

Thank you for the link tst, and the help. I'll be re-reading that a lot in the next few days/weeks/months.

Again, thank you.

Depends on your motives but I'd say bad idea. You're lucky you can still walk.

Skald,

Your welcome, but there is more work for you to do my friend.

I would suggest you begin putting together a list of actions/precautions you can take to provide a deeper level of protection for you and your wife.

Dr. Harley calls these actions "Extra-Ordinary Precautions" or "EP's" for short.

You see your inability to protect your W is what led to the door opening that allowed the affair to begin.
1)You allowed yourself to be alone with another woman.
2)You allowed yourself to listen to her problems.
3)You shared your own problems.
You made the choice, for whatever reason, to NOT protect your wife and your marriage.

Hence, the need for EP's in your life.

I copied over my list to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. I hope it helps you.

Putting this in writing and following through will re-establish protecting your wife. Protecting your wife MUST be your number one job if you want to restore your M.


It's now time to put together a list of your own and post it on your thread for some feedback.

Do not expect kudos from your W for doing this exercise, as these should have been a given in your M to begin with. Just as they should have been in my own M.
_________________________

Yeah I knew that the potential for him getting physical was there. I've had contact with him before and didn't expect it though. He made contact with me originally about a month ago (after I confessed to drgnfly) to discuss what was going on - he obviously wasn't getting the truth from OW and hoped I would tell him what was going on. (I did, but not as a confession - drgnfly had already talked to him about it - more like I didn't deny it.)

My reasons for wanting some face-to-face with him today -

I needed to apologize to him for what I did to him and his family (2 young boys.) It wasn't just drngfly that I hurt by doing this.

I gave him a copy of the NC letter, rather than mailing it to him. I wanted him to know that I'm committed to this course, and some of the steps I've taken to make it work. - and the third reason is directly related to this step:

To warn him of the fallout that will possibly occur when she gets her letter in the next day or two. She's already hinted in the last few weeks that she's fishing for him again, and I told him about MB and suggested he read and protect himself as well as possible - he will try to reconcile with her again, and should know what he's facing (they've been through this before, with only MC for guidance.)

I wanted to give you another critical tool that, IMHO, you must commit to in order to restore your marriage and restore intimacy.

Pleeease talk about this with your wife.

LINK --- Undivided Attention

In regards to the post about EP's: Great info, and a great suggestion. I'll begin working on this.

Again, thanks. Keep 'em coming, please.

In regards to the undivided attention: We're working on that and getting better. For the past three weeks we've spent 4+ hours doing things together every weeknight after D goes to bed, and grandparents have been taking D at least one day and night over the weekend.

I will re-read the link and refresh the principal in my head though.

Skald,

A couple thoughts for you to remember.....

Please stay focused.

Finish each step completely.

Do not get discouraged!
If you do, come here and ask for feedback/help.

Sooth and comfort your wife when she struggles or triggers.
You are the reason for her pain, stay with her and suck it up when it feels difficult.
Remember the pain you will feel during her triggers is minor compared to the pain you created because of your thoughtlessness. It will pass.

Answer every question your wife needs to ask.

I'll be praying for you both.


p.s. YES, the hard work is worth it.

You are doing well.

One thing to consider, no matter how many EPs you put into place, if the OW wants to badly enough, she will get around these EPs and contact you. And your BW already knows that is always a possiblity.

So right now, you need to come up with a plan of action if that were to ever happen. Think it through NOW, so you are not caught off guard and don't know what to do. Part of that plan should include telling Drgnfly immediately. It will reassure her to know that you will bring her in on this immediately and have no secrets with OW.

Talk about your plan with Drgnfly and ask her if it is enough. Ask her if there is something more she would like from you in that circumstance.

So how are you doing with the idea of these EP's?

Do you see why they are important?

Are you willing to work on creating your own list?

Tst - I've begun working on a list already. It is nowhere near complete right now, but I will post it when it starts to flesh out. I don't want to rush into writing it and have a page filled with fog. Once it is completed, I will print and frame it and hang it on the wall next to my desk.

Right now we've been concentrating on preparing for the fallout from OW receiving the NC letter (should be today!), being completely open and honest about not just the A but our pasts, making deposits, fighting LB's and preparing a plan for if we see OW in a store or whatnot. And recognizing and dispelling the fog.

So a question for you then. There are a million things that need to and/or will be done to start on and stay on the path of recovery - how do we prioritize these things? I don't want to take a chance on creating a set-back by NOT doing something that was absolutely necessary from the beginning (e.g electing to not send the NC letter the first time.)

I'll start to answer my own question with - I will first ask drgnfly which actions are most important or necessary to HER, tell her my opinion and we'll come to an agreement.

Tst/SMB you are an inspiration. Thank you! Thanks to all of you!

On a last minute aside/ramble - Thank you Pio. and others for ringing the foghorn. I didn't see it at the time. PLEASE continue to do so if you see anything in my posts.

This list of EP's is critical to begin.

They are how you will be protecting your wife.

Post a ROUGH DRAFT here for us to help you through ASAP.

Do NOT ask your wife to help you with this. WE will help you with this. WE will help cut through any fog, I promise.

This is YOUR list, look back in your thread where I posted a copy of mine for you to use as an example.



You're doing fine.

For YOU-the EP's are next.

Also read HNHN and spend as much time as possible together with your wife.

Hi Skald,

I've been following your thread, and drgnfly's, and just wanted to pop in and give you a thumbs up on your current efforts. You two deserve a great marriage, and it's encouraging just watching you working toward it together. Stay the course!

So glad you've got tst as a mentor too. He knows your side of the fence and will be a beacon of light for you. Has been already, from what I've seen.

This place is one of the most helpful places on the entire Internet. Talk about changing the world! So happy you and drgnfly are here. If my H and I hadn't found MB, there's a really good chance we'd be divorced today. What a terrible waste that would've been.

Keep truckin'.


Right Here Waiting

okeydokey

Skald - Right now, I don't see much fog at all.

TST - you're doing a stellar job!

Printed your copy when I first read it. Actually that is another thing I'm trying to avoid - accidently plagarizing your list. This list will be thought out and TRUE - not just some thoughts that I jotted down. But I will bump it up on the priorities list and get a rough draft posted shortly. Thanks!


We are reading a chapter of HNHN to each other every night. And we are spending every minute outside of work together (although some of it is spent in the compny of DD also, but we need that time as a family too, not just a couple.)

Had a set back this morning.

The cell phone records for the past few weeks have become available from my provider. I pulled up the call history for OW# to show when I broke NC last week, which I'd already confessed to. I have not broken NC since.

What caused the set back is the time of the calls, and the duration. _I_ was taken by surprise - I don't remember talking to OW for that long during those couple days. (up to 30 minutes over a few calls one of the days.) I remember sitting there listening to OW ("for a few minutes"), and not really engaging in the conversation.

Drgnfly of course took the details much harder. She didn't realize exactly how much I'd slipped back into the fog - even after confronting me about looking at OW's Myspace page, and me confessing the phone calls, drgnfly didn't realize my disposition that week. So not only did she have to deal with the call times and duration, she was hit hard again by the deceit and the effort we WS put into hiding our actions and emotions.

For me it was a wake up call - I didn't realize how far I'd slipped back. For drgnfly it was re-tearing open the wounds that my lies and deceit caused, and undoing a lot of the healing we've been working on (hopefully not completely.) We did discuss some of the events leading to the phone calls, and how my actions enabled me to make those calls - and we're taking steps to eliminate those situations from occuring again.

We've both had a great 5 days since I confessed to the phone calls. Hopefully we can salvage today and make it a good day as well.

These steps to prevent/eliminate those situations are called "Extra-Ordinary Precautions". Does that make sense?



Keep your eyes focused forward. Sooth your wife, by drawing her in close when she will let you. Ask her what she needs, and if she says "I don't know", offer a hug or a kiss. Sometimes just a willingness to sit quietly next to her while she grieves will help her work through the pain.

Your wife cannot skip over the pain, and you cannot crack jokes or walk away just because you are uncomfortable, which happens when a WS is more concerned about their own pain than the pain they caused to the BS. I've seen it here on MB.

You need to tend to and bandage the wounds created by you.

Keep your eyes focused forward toward the goal of recovery. The goal of a great marriage, of being a better man and being a better dad.

How did you respond to Drgnfly when she crashed?