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Joined: Nov 2008
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I just found out the OW that my H an A with filed for divorce. It scares me to death that she will try and Contact my H. As of today (2 months) since A was revealed there has been no contact.
The OW H is very vindictive and I have a feeling that he is going to expose the A through their D. He has already exposed it to some people.
I am afraid people will think I am a fool for staying with my H after what he did to me. I know I shouldnt be ashamed at least we are trying to resolve our problems, but we live in a small town and I just dont want to be the town gossip. I believe in my heart that I could not stay with him being the town embarrassment.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this. Should I contact the OW Husband and ask him to not bring the A into the D proceedings? Their marriage was rocky already. This was just the icing on top of the cake!
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Joined: Jun 2008
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Do not call the OWH. You have no right to ask the man not to bring up your H's affair with his W if he so chooses. If you want to move away for embarrassment or to make sure there is NC...fine. This is just one of the many consequences you can thank your H for.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Dec 2007
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You can't control what people think. So don't try.
The only thing you can do is move if things bother that much.
What others think should not guide you as to whether you divorce or not. How you feel. What you want. Is your WH doing what is needed to recover. These are the things you will have to consider.
Last edited by TheRoad; 11/26/08 05:53 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I am afraid people will think I am a fool for staying with my H after what he did to me. I know I shouldnt be ashamed at least we are trying to resolve our problems, but we live in a small town and I just dont want to be the town gossip. I believe in my heart that I could not stay with him being the town embarrassment. Honestly, 2ashamed, you are overly invested in what others think. Their opinion of you is not something that is your problem unless you make it yours. You have done nothing wrong. This is a part of maturity; learning to care more about YOUR opinion than the opinions of others. Your H should feel ashamed for what he did, but you have done nothing wrong. If someone has a problem with that, it is their problem, not yours.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OW H is very vindictive and I have a feeling that he is going to expose the A through their D. He has already exposed it to some people. Why do you call him "vindictive?" What has this victim done to earn that label? And I would only point out that exposing to everybody is a good thing, especially in a small town. It decreases the risk of a resumption of the affair if others know. Exposure is a very good thing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think she is referring to the OWH as being vindictive, because he is not happy that 2ashamed is working things out in their marriage and OWH and OW may not be having any luck.
I agree he is the victim as well as 2ashamed. But why must he make the A so public. Dont you think that harms a marriage more. These people are trying to work things out. He should be trying as well with him WS. Making it public to everyone seems to be more detrimental to the marriages, because they have to face public humility.
I believe in exposing the affair, with family, close friends and employers etc. But to just toss out names when your talking to every joe blow and say yeah I caught my wife having an affair with so and so... That just doesnt seem safe for people trying to work out their relationships. THats just my thoughts. I can only assume that maybe his WS isnt trying to work things out so he must be trying to take it out on the OM.
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Joined: Oct 2005
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Consequences are a [censored] no?
Sucks being him.
What other people think or know is not really that important. The gossip moves on pretty quickly.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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and both victims of the affair are completely entitled to deal with it in any way they see fit.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I think she is referring to the OWH as being vindictive, because he is not happy that 2ashamed is working things out in their marriage and OWH and OW may not be having any luck.
I agree he is the victim as well as 2ashamed. But why must he make the A so public. Dont you think that harms a marriage more. These people are trying to work things out. He should be trying as well with him WS. Making it public to everyone seems to be more detrimental to the marriages, because they have to face public humility. Exposure is a good thing, though. In this case, it is in the OWH's best interest to bring facts about the affair into his divorce proceeding. That helps him get better custody and financial arrangements in most cases. In some states, a BS can subpoena his spouses affair partner and make them testify under oath about the details of the affair. It can help the OWH case. That is not "vindictive," that is called protecting one's legal interests. That is his obligation to protect himself from his cheating wife and her lover. It is not his fault that someone had an affair with his wife. He is not to blame. If the WS doesn't want to be exposed, then he ought not to do things he doesn't want exposed. Its not up to his victims to keep his filthy secrets. Simple as that. Humility for one's crimes is a good thing, not a bad thing. A person in recovery won't mind who knows. Transparency is like chemotherapy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Harley: While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.
Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.
So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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