I am not new to the mb website - but I am new to this forum. I hope this is where I am supposed to be posting. I thought things were going well and it seems the last two months everything has been going down hill. A brief description of our M - I found out during the summer of this year that my husband had a one "day" stand with a woman two months before we got married 12 years ago. He had an affair with another woman about seven years ago for almost a year while I was pregnant with two of our beautiful children. I suspected it but could never prove it - that has been hanging over our heads for the last seven years. Prior to my finding out about the affairs he was having an "on-line" affair with one of my best friends this last Spring, though he denies it was anything as serious as an affair, I on the other hand seen every email sent back and forth and friends don't email intimate jokes and joke about having sex and he was almost trying to get her to commit to get together. They both say it was all a joke - however they both denied it up front and he always erased the emails, plain and simple they were hiding it. A ton of interent porn, which he of course denies. I know there is a huge conflict out there whether internet porn is cheating, I never used to think so until it started to interfere with our sex life and the damage it has done on our marriage - I almost cringe when I see a Victoria Secrets Ad on the web.
Since finding all this out I have been an emotional wreck and I am sure a total [censored] to live with. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off. At first he was willing do anything so make this M work. We started with a consult with Mr. Harley, I ordered all the material and we read though the online material together for hours. It seemed we were making real progress. But mostly when I pushed for us to go over the info, he never initiated it. And that frustrates the hell out of me. We aren't here because of me - he did this - not me - why am I the one being punished for this. It has been almost two months since we discussed any of this material let alone our marriage. It is like he is avoiding it whenever possible and never brings it up. I feel very alone and frustrated. Whenever I try to talk about putting us back together, its all the time he has been so busy and we haven't had time and when we do we are doing something else. I am ready to give up. You see our history - I can't help but feel it is only a matter of time before we are down this road again.
He keeps telling me not to give up on him that when he is ready and has time we will work on it. HOW LONG IS LONG ENOUGH - HOW LONG DO I WAIT BEFORE I COMPLETELY FALL APART OR DESTROY OUR MARRIAGE FROM THE ANGER, RESENTMENT, HURT, DISTRUST, I could go on forever. I don't know where to go from here. The affairs are over, we are not dealing with "anyone else" right now - but I still hurt everyday, everyday there are reminders and I truly feel that he believes that now it is in the open and he came clean we should just put it behind us and move on. Which I really want to do - but not this way. After reading all this info on this site and the books, I have such higher expectations for our M, I have seen a glimpse of what it can be like and I don't want to settle for less than that. But how do I bring this back around to start working on us again? How do I deal with all this anger and resentment? When we are putting forth an effort to work on us, all that hurt seems so distant, but when I am beating my head against the wall it is a constant reminder every day and sometimes is even hard to breath.
I hate this, I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate the person it has made me become. Maybe there is some info out there arleady dealing with this and if someone could point me in that direction I would appreciate it!!
Thanks
SAB
