Definitely tell her. It would be weak to let her find out elsewhere.

But I would sit her down and explain that you are fighting for the marriage in the concept of Harley, that is why you exposed.

Well, she found out from some of her siblings before I got the opportunity to tell her. Her OM talked on the phone and she was telling him how some of her siblings think it was very low of me to do that! Wow, nice siblings. I guess I don't really care what they think as long as this can break up the A. But it's too soon to know if this will put enough pressure on their affair to split WW and OM apart. Obviously, my email to OM didn't detract him yet... I'm going to try to find out his parents' phone number by contacting a PI.

I attempted to talk to WW after the kids were put to bed and she wouldn't let me even finish my sentence. All I managed to say to her was that I did it because I love her, not because I am being vindictive. She's giving me the silent treatment and right now based on what she said to her OM on the phone (I was listening through her bedroom door), she feels more justified now and that her family "is finally seeing what an A$$ I am."

Her parents did call me back tonight and they are very supportive of me and are totally on my side. They think it is aweful what she is doing and support me 100%. They said they will try to think of what they can do to help. They said at the very least they will pray for us and prob write her a letter. They even suggested that if we divorce that I file for full custody of our son! They said that my WW gets all of her security from having the kids with her and that she needs to lose that to wake her up to reality. I will seriously consider going for full custody because I don't want my son being raised by an unrepentant adulterer.

In the meantime, I guess I just wait until she feels ready to talk and hope that the fantasy of their A will erode their relationship. Does this exposure ever have the opposity effect of pushing the WW and OM together in a common cause??

What next?

Hmm, I just checked her email (yes I have her username and password from a keylogger). Only three responses to my email blast to her siblings:

First was an email from her youngest sister who is childish in many ways and I almost didn't include her. It just said "I think Erich was wrong sending this to us. I wanted to make sure you knew about it. Love you."

The second was from same sister's husband who basically said the same thing.

The third was from one of her older sisters who she looks up to VERY much that said simply "Cute, G." G is my WW's nickname. And it was pretty much a smack in the face to my WW because her sister is referring to the public web profile of my WW that I sent a link to that has my WW and OM kissing, etc...

I spoke to one of her other sister's on the phone and she TOTALLY supports me in this too.

SOOOO, the only sibling that thought I was wrong that I can tell so far was the youngest one who is known by all other sibs to be childish.. Basically she's still in denial and trying to make herself look good for her OM....

Good job on exposure, Erich!!


Aren't they already together? I thought they were having an affair?

The most potent exposure will be to the OMW, Erich. I dont care what you have to do, but GET HER # and xpose to her.

As far as your wife making her affair conversations IN YOUR HOME??? HELLO????? Knock on that door, open it up and say to her very politely: "please take your affair conversation out of my home. this home is the sanctuary of me and the children and will not be infested with your adultery."

Follow her around saying this over and over again until she either hangs up or leaves to have her affair conversation in a dark alley where it belongs. She should not be conducting her affair IN THE HOME OF HER HUSBAND AND CHILDREN! you have an obligation to protect that boundary since she has absolutely no respect for you.

I would also suggest you tell those older kids! Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with LIES.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:





This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. Email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com for this MP3 ANYONE who wants it. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Good advice. I thought that I should do that but thought I'd be acting like a jerk if I did that (about the phone calls in the house).

OM doesn't have a spouse. He is single....

Your WW will flip out the more you expose. Don't worry, this is typical, and it will not prevent you from reconciling in the future. All of us here that have recovered our marriages have exposed at one time or another, and we are still married. My WW now understand that it was necessary. Keep up the pressure.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! I don't know where I got the idea he is married. How do you know he is single? Have you verified this independently?

I agree, good job on exposure.

Frankly, I don't think there seems to be any leverage on the OM, aside from physical threats (worked with me but horribly risky legally and safety-wise).

I would keep reinforcing that you are doing this to try and save the marriage, not being vindictive. All a WS sees is someone attacking the source of them getting some ENs met, I think.

I would keep working on any family members that will speak with you, try to get them to call her, etc. However, don't expect much....when push comes to shove, they are going to side with their sister and her happiness.

I just laid down the boundary with my wife about talking to her OM on the phone in our house. She said that it was her house too and that I couldn't tell her who she could and couldn't talk to. I just said "yes I can. Our house is a temple and I will not allow you bring that trash in to our house." She just mouthed off about filing for divorce and then I brought up the fact that I am considering filing for full custody of our boy. She said that it would just be hurting our boy if I did that... Whatever.

Some Questions:

1) Is it ok for me to tell my step children about the A or just my child (who is not old enough to understand..he's 2 yrs old)
2) My wife is in her room typing up a storm with her OM instead of talking to him on the phone--she took me seriously about the phone thing. Is there anything I should do about her instant messaging with him?
3) OM didn't take my request to not contact WW seriously. Should I continue to contact him via email to apply more pressure?

Thanks,

Yes, you should put the kibosh on that, too. I put up with that [censored] for months when I shouldn't have. Now I know better.

Charlotte

I just read my WW's chats online from minutes ago. She thinks I'm going crazy and she's looking for a shelter to move to. She told a friend that she's already filing for divorce. Does it matter who files first?

Crap, she's talking online with a cop friend and he is telling her to file an ex parte to try to get me kicked out of my own home!!

What do I do about that?

umm, kicked out for WHAT?

Dunno. Telling her she can't talk to OM on the phone!?!? I didn't make any physical threats or ANYTHING like that. I just said that I wouldn't allow her to talk to bozo on the phone in our house... If she tries, I would just follow her around like you suggested...

I've never hit her before in my life. She has been to jail twice for assaulting both of her ex-husbands though and was sentenced to take anger management course. eek.

I would most definitely tell your step children the truth. And if she is in there yapping to the OM, go take a cord off the router and put it in your pocket [or disconnect it somehow out of her sight] and then go sit in front of the TV and act like you are watching TV.

WS: WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE INTERNET???

Erich: huh? What is wrong with the internet?

WS: It is not working!

Erich: I don't know, why not call the help desk or try restarting the computer?

In the meantime, Erich, download and install a keylogger on her computer the first chance you get. Try eblaster becasue it can email reports to you on stealth. go download it at www.spectorpro.com and copy it to disk. Then you can go pop it on her computer and have the reports emailed to you.

I'm logged into her gmail account and I can see everything that she is typing and recieving. She's actually not talking to OM. She typing with cop friend and her youngest sister's hubby. She's totally freaking out!

oool! What are they saying? Also, can you call this cop friend tomorrow and tell him what is going on?

She is trying to SCARE YOU INTO COMPLIANCE!

The cop friend (well, he's actually a jail warden) is a loser. He's a fat slob who has always had a crush on WW. I could talk to him, but he's totally gaga for my WW and will do anything for her.

She's just talking some serious smack about me.

Here's a sampler (D-nette is WW's little sis):

10:57 PM D-nette: Dunno if you got my email...but that was super uncool and a pretty transparant attempt to humiliate you in front of your family. WOnder if anyone was actually fooled? I'm pretty sure not. Everyone knows it takes two.
10:58 PM me: its what he is good at.....
11:01 PM D-nette: yup. Well hang in there and at least know that its not that easy for someone to break my bond with my sis. Blood!
(kinda disappointed that he played that card...but guess it showed true colors)
11:02 PM me: i have some HORRID cards i could play.....and i thought about it for one second......but its not me, and i would just be stooping to level
11:03 PM D-nette: good for you. You are better than that
me: we were raised better than that......he family BREEDS this crap
D-nette: i figuerd