My H and I met on an internet chat site about 4 or 5 years ago, we started as chat buddies, became close friends and then fell in love (In the virtual worlds). We were chatting for over a year when we finally met up, and it was magic. We were like 2 lost souls that searched the world, and finally found each other.

We connected physically as strong as we connected on the chat site (We never did anything "Dirty" while chatting) We spoke for hours, spent so much time together, when I eventually went home after visiting in his town for 3 weeks, he asked me to marry him, and I agreed, not being able to imagine my life without his physical presence.

We got married a month later...
We went for 3 days worth of pre-marital counseling before we got married, Which we thought at that time was very helpful, and that we were ready.

I moved across the country to move in with him and his parents (He promised that it is only a temporary arrangement, and that we would move out as soon as I found a job).
I also have a daughter from a previous relationship; she was one at the time.

We both agreed that X (the father of my daughter ) would be allowed to participate in her life. But X did everything in his power to spoil our marriage, right from the start, so we cut him out completely, as he was never really interested in her, right from birth. Only started showing interest after he heard I was getting married. (X left for London shortly after he found out I was pregnant, wanted to marry somebody else for citizenship, so we broke up shortly after my daughter was born)

After moving away from my family and friends and joining my husband in the new town, I did my best to settle down. I found a job, relatively easily, but I still haven’t made real new friends (Its been 3 years). We found out we were expecting another baby when we were married for 3 months. And we have a beautiful girl.

So quite soon, my H went from single, to married, to father of one, and now father of 2…
I went from being single mom, to being daughter in law & Having to share my parenting responsibilities with H, to being a new mom.

We are almost celebrating our 3’rd wedding anniversary (In a month’s time) and for the past year, we have been fighting all the time. I resent him for us still living with his parents(He wasn’t honest about his financial situation from the start, turned out, he was in some hectic debt, which he never mentioned) I am not angry because of where we are living, but because he was never honest. I have been trying to get him to stick to a budget since we got married, but he is just no good with finances, and refuses to let me take over the money situation we are in, so that we can move out.

His parents are sweet, and I love them dearly, but we have never been on our own. His mother treats me like a child(I don’t blame her, cause in her eyes, we both are still “Children”) but she takes over my duties as a mother, and deliberately goes against my wishes, for example, if I discipline my daughter for throwing a tantrum, she would go to my daughter and pick her up, and make me seem evil. If I tell my girls “No sweets before supper.” She will go behind my back and give it to them. I have almost given up, I now sometimes go with what she wants for the girls, even if its against our (Me and H’s) rules as I cant stand that they see me as the evil mom, and her as the Angel… Although it have become a little better recently. After a lot of fighting. But I don’t feel respected, needed or even wanted in the family. And it’s MY family… My H does stand up a lot for me though.

We have had quite a few problems in the beginning (My X trying to break us up, breaking trust, my H chatting to women, and having them flirt with him online, breaking my trust, Financial issues, communication problems, But mainly I was lonely and didn’t know what to do

Then I saw the book in the library – his needs, her needs. Both My H and I read the book about EN, and We did the Questionnaire, and showed each other what our EN are. We have tried to meet each other’s needs. But fell off the wagon about a year ago…

As I have mentioned, we have 2 young children. My husband started a new job, that has a lot of social functions (they always exclude spouses). He has also started going out every Friday (Asking me to join him, but knowing I wont go, as I have to see to the kids and the laundry, etc. As I work full time) and then only coming home at 4h00 in the morning. And very intoxicated. When I asked him how his night was, he just said, it was OK…
But no details of what transpired.

I then ask for details, and he like runs me through a 1 minute vague explanation of what he has done. Then when I see his colleagues and him together (Very seldom) They are always telling each other about funny things that happened (Mostly with other women and them). What is worse, his colleagues then try to include me in the conversation, but I obviously don’t know what happened, and feel so stupid. When I confront him afterwards about not telling me, he gets upset and say, I don’t want to give him any freedom, and he doesn’t know how to please me, I am too demanding.

All his friends are single, and without responsibility. I reached a point the other night, where I actually wanted to take my own life. I honestly don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore, but I still love him, and don’t want to loose him.

How old is this boy?

So... Today is Friday.. Again.
I cant remember when last we did something together as a couple on a Friday. And tonight will not be any different, as he has a company dinner .

Last week we made a date to go out, but then he cancelled, as he had agreed to play soccer for his company that morning, and was too tired. The week before his family came unannounced, the week before, he wanted to just be with the boys, every week, something comes up, and we dont have our Us time. If I complain that we dont spend time together, he says. "but you never want to come with me when I go out with the boys, I offer to take you with." but I have tried going with him and his friends"the boys", but he gets pre-occupied with entertaining them, I normally end up sitting with myself, or one guy who is to nice to leave me sitting alone, and not seeing him at all.

I dont know what to do anymore. I just feel like crying and never stopping. What is worse, I think my daughters have picked up on my depression, and is miss behaving left, right and centre.

Well, He is 26, I just turned 24.
I know it seems like we are "just children". And we should have probbably waited before getting married, but saying this now, doesnt help my current situation. We are married, and we need to make this work. We made our Vows.

Tamz,

Do you suspect infidelity on his part? I'm asking because you are posting on an infidelity forum.

It's time for your H to grow up and start acting like a H and a father. You need to be very clear with him about how you are hurting right now and why. You need to tell him this without LB (love busters) or AO (angry outbursts). You need to insist that he sit down with you and put together a plan for how and when you will be moving out of his parents house. And then stick to that plan. If he is unwilling to do so then you seriously need to think about getting out of there yourself. This is a very unhealthy situation for you in so many ways. Nothing is worth taking your own life. Your children need a mother...and a healthy one at that. Start developing a plan and then put one foot in front of the other every day until you are executing it. Allowing things to stay status quo is not an option. Get to work.

Mindshare

Tamz, I don't know how you can change him, though. You have married a boy who lives with his mommy and lives a single life. He is not a grown up. You do not have the power to change a boy into a man, especially when his momma is enabling him like this. [shame on her!]

I just don't know what to tell you and I wish I could help you. But the truth is that you cannot change this boy. The best you can do is remove yourself from his abuse.

If it were me, I would move out and give him an opportunity to follow you. Get a legal separation and force him to pay you child support. If he doesn't follow you, then you don't have a marriage anyway.

But he will never be a man until he gets away from his mommy.

Very true, though even my MIL moving out of state didn't wasn't enough for my H to fully grow up. I am so sorry. When we are "in love" our judgement is not always that good. I agree with ML that you should move out and file legal separation. Your only chance at a real M is for him to cut the apron strings with his mom.

Tamz, I am not trying to pile on here, but it would be tragic if you did not learn from your mistakes. Because if you don't, you are doomed to a repeat. A consistent pattern of bad decisions has led to this. Getting pregnant with men who were not worthy fathers, hooking up with a boy who still lives with his mommy.

You are only 24 and are clearly a member of my own alma mater, THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS.

It won't be easy to graduate, but you can make your future life much better if you learn to use reasoned judgment in your decisions instead of feelings. I can tell you have made numerous tragic decisions based on feelings and our feelings will always lead us wrong. Food for thought...

Hi.

Wer regarding the infedelity part, he has had one or two internet affairs, But everytime I catch him out, he denies it and says that I dont want him to have any friends. He deletes all messages from his phone, but snoops on mine all the time (Which i dont mind, as I have nothing to hide)

He went to his departmental dinner on Fridayy night, I only got one text message from him, he answered my call once, and after that when I tried calling him at 23h00 he didnt answer my phone, after trying 5 times (Maybe obsessive, but I worry about him, as I know he doesnt know when to stop drinking, and driving home is very dangerous) i gave up and tried to go to sleep.

The next morning I went through his phone log,and there I discover that he was recieving and sending text messages, and calling a lady that he works with... around the same time that I tried getting hold of him.

When I confronted him about it, he said that his friend did it. And I also saw that they have been having a lot of contact during the days at work, but he tells me it is all work related (Why use a cell phone and send text messages when you both work at the same company, just different departments?) So I didnt fall for that. I sent her a text to ask her what is going on between them, I dont mind them being friends, but then I think I deserve to know the answer to my questions. I was very polite. But she never answered me, and when I tried calling her later the day, she did not answer.

I didnt tell my husband about it, so this morning when he got to work, she told him what I did, now he is furious for embarrasing him. I told him, If he was honest from the start, he would have spared him the embarrasment, and I still dont have an answer from him, so I am going to phone her and find out what is going on... He then spilled the beans that they were chatting, not his friend, and that they were just "Joking" around...

Why lie to me thoug? I am a big girl. I allow him to have female friends, He has quite a few from work, and even previous girlfriends...

Anyway. Guess its not an affair. How do I move this posts to another Forum?

I have told him how I am hurting, verbally and in Writing. Then He oens up to me, and Apologise, and promise he will stop doing the LB's, but when the weekend strikes, its back to square one.

i have given him an ultimatum about a month ago. We need to move out by February 2009. Or else I am leaving him. I have been doing my best to save money. But he just wastes it when he goes out and have a good time.

Anyway, I am going home (To my family) for a holiday with him and the kids this december, maybe I will heal a bit and get some confidence back.

Why do people do things like this? It is like he is convinced that he loves me, and tells me he loves me every day, but acts in the total opposite way.

Anyway, I was prepared for today's outburst, luckily I overfilled his LB during the weekend, but I dont even feel like facing him tonight.

The thing is that this time I did think of it so so much. He told me that he was just living with his parents because it was convenient. We discussed finances, and we made plans. But he never mentioned his debt (From a previous relationship). That is what has kept us back. I obviously resented him very much for this after I found out, but it was too late, we were married already. I said my Vows. When I confronted him about this, he said he lied, cause he didnt want to loose me...

But you are right, i should learn from my mistakes, and stop being tricked.

I think the biggest lesson from all this would be to not get hooked up with someone over the internet. Its real easy to just be aware of someone's GOOD POINTS when they are in complete control over what is being presented over the internet. You only get half the story. When you see someone over a long period of time, in their normal every day life, the truth usually comes out. Another thing I would suggest is getting a CREDIT REPORT before you marry anyone. That would prevent any suprises after the fact.

Good luck...