If you are in an abusive relationship I would leave immediately

PERFECT example of extreme giving leading to extreme TAKING. See how your actions - chosen actions, btw - have led to RESENTMENT because there was no balance and no boundaries being practiced by you? This resentment is a direct result of your actions, P.

If you had boundaries in place to protect you against his abuse and didn't sacrifice, you would not be in the bad place today. Do you see how all that giving and sacrifice has destroyed your attitude towards him?

Even so, if you follow this program, this can be turned around. Even spouses that HATE their spouse have learned to fall in love again. It can be done.

Actually, the atrocity you heaped on your unsuspecting H does not entitle you to anything. Much less a reconsiliation. Did you consider that aspect when you began your A?

Now if you want to try, then you need to exhibit Godly sorrow for what you have done, express that deeply to your H and give it time to sink in. If it doesn't, then accept that your M is destroyed.

I'm not trying to humiliate you, but rather, get you to understand that your H feels like a piece of rat sh** right now.

Can you help him get by that or would you rather complain about how he disrespects you? Do you have any idea how badly YOU disrespected him? And for that matter, yourself?

All Blessings,
Jerry

A

Hi there P,

You appear to be MB savvy. As you have been straight with us, are you able to be straight with H.

Historically your marriage relationship is a can of worms. Scars are on both sides. It is apparent that a new improved marriage is required. H needs to learn to provide and protect the love in the marriage. Maybe you need to learn not to tolerate the LB's and DJ's that he commits.

Either way, a change is required from both parties.

If you are a Christian couple, there is a common basis and program for growth. If not, look to your common family responsibilities as a source of inspiration.

My personal testimony to you is that misery CAN transform into magic. My story is however absent of infidelities.

To no avail? It may have taken a couple years but your BH is NOW willing to forgive and move forward. You do not understand how your A crushed your H.


P, you should have drawn stronger boundaries than to let this go for 2.5 yrs. Your BH also has to live with the knowledge that he intentionally hurt you and that is a cross for him to bear as well. I did not abuse my FWH for years but some of the things I said were daggers to his heart and I twisted them mercilessly until I broke him. I have sought forgiveness from him for this and he forgave me without hestitation knowing that it was his behavior that brought me to that point. I am still working on forgiving myself for willfully or uncaringly hurting him so.


Your BH feels the same. At some point you both have to stop dwelling on the past and make the decision of what you are going to do TODAY to better your M. Your BH has changed his attitude and you need to change yours.

You had an A, your BH put up a wall to protect himself from hurting further. He became verbally abusive to see you hurt like he does. No, is not justifiable, it's not condoned, but it happened, and now you need to deal with it in one of two ways. Attempt recovery, or divorce, right?

He can't undo the verbal abuse, no more than you can undo your A.

So now what? You say you doubt your ability to ever forget what he has done... I can assure you, you are correct. You will never forget, then again, neither will he.

You do seem to focus more on the abuse, and down play the A in comparision. The "what you've done to me, is worse than what I've done to you" mentality WILL guarantee a successful recovery is NOT in your future.

Recovery will require you to knock down the wall, and make yourself vunerable to being hurt again.

Try the MB weekend, see if you still feel there is no chance of recovery after that...

-JKT

These are good questions, and I didn't see where you'd answered them. Could you, please?

Proserpina

How did your BH find out about the affair?

What did he have to put up with?

The point is your BH had to confront your abuse from your affair. I assumed he did what he had to end this abuse.

The second point is that you had to let your BH vent. But after say two weeks you did not stop his abuse.

A BS needs to stop the abuse of an affair. The WS has to stop the post D day abuse.

You failed at doing this.

I ask being that you went through this why leave now?

You stayed there this long waiting for BH to work on recovery.

Is it a power struggle?

You would not leave the marriage because your BH did not want to stay then?

Is it now that your because your BH wants you, you have the upper hand, the balance of power has shifted, that you are the one that gets to be the dumper instead of the dumpee?

So you tell your BH I can't forgive you for what you have done I want a divorce.

Yep, that's what I'm seeing.

Proserpina,
Do you have any males that you are close friends with?