I need help. How can I not miss him and know that this divorce is the right thing to do and still have it hurt so bad? I don't miss the mental anguish. I don't miss the walking on eggshells. I miss my family. I miss the every day normal stuff. How do I move on from this pain. How long does it take to become my new normal? I want the past back. I want my heart to not ache so much. He seems so happy about this and has settled into his new life that it's like I never existed. This wasn't just a marriage of 2 people, We both felt like we were soul mates for 8 years. Is it wrong to want him to hurt? I want to know that I meant something to him. I am scared to death that this pain will never go away.
I guess there is still some little part in my heart that wants him to love me again the way he used to. I know it will never happen though. How do I let go? Any suggestions???

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.


What is letting go of your past?

Letting go of your past means accepting that there's nothing you can do to change the past. You did the best you could. When you're facing your failures, know that you were as good, loving, and effective as you could have been. If you were to go back, you couldn't do anything differently because that's who you were and that's what you knew then. It's done. Let go of your past.

Letting go of your past means forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Ruminating on what you could've or should've done is ineffective and unhealthy. If you're dealing with your mistakes or facing your failures, try to forgive yourself.

Letting go of your past means being aware of your thoughts. When you find yourself dwelling or obsessing over the past or the person you lost, gently draw your thoughts back to the present. Let go of your obsession, whether it's an addictive relationship or lost child.

Letting go of your past means trusting the nature of time. You will heal and move on. Your wound will slowly close up and soon only a faint scar will remain - if you let go of your past.

Letting go of your past means making new connections with people. You don't necessarily have to make a whole new set of friends; you can initiate a new type of friendship with a colleague or invite a neighbor over for coffee. If you talk about facing your failures, you'll be better able to actually face your failures.

Letting go of your past means seeking balance in your conversations. It's important to vent and share your pain and sadness, and it's equally important to show your interest in other people's lives. Letting go of your past means letting go of yourself.

Letting go of your past means exploring a new world. Take a new course at the community college or start a new hobby. To let go of the past, start looking in new directions!

Letting go of your past means volunteering your time. There are hundreds of interesting opportunities that will help you say good-bye to the past. Visit a volunteer website or centre in your city. Move out of your comfort zone: if you're a mom and wife, try building a Habitat for Humanity home or spending time with seniors.

When you're letting go of an ex-partner, you should seriously consider whether it's wise to spend time together -- or if you should let go altogether. Maybe you're still in love, or were abused, and have confused thoughts and feelings. Taking a break may be the wisest course of action -- and so might be totally letting go.

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This is my coming out post so I hope that it helps.

I am seperated from my wife and was in a very similiar situation with pain. I paid quite a bit of money for this knowledge from a couch so I am passing it along.

Where does pain come from? Tough question. But at its core it comes from the belief in a thought. The beleif that a tought is true (My wife should stay in this marriage, I shouldn't get divorced, I should have done this or that, etc) that causes our pain.

What I would suggest.

Get the following books.

I need your love is that true - Byron Katie
Loving What is - Byron Katie

The above 2 books will help you straighten out your thought process and hopefully quiet the mind. You can get them at any book store. I can expand on this if you want.

To stop the pain immediately, pick up How to Fall Out of Love Dr. Debora Phillips. I had to pick it up used on Amazon since I don't think it is circulation. This book is intended to stop the pain from loving (or longing) for another person. I think I paid 4 dollars for it.

I would finish it all up with Living in the Now by Echart Tolle. Personally I have the audio book since I don't particularly like to read.

I would also suggest deep muschle relaxation (search Youtube for some free stuff to get you started) and I even got into some guided meditation (self esteem, peronality developement, deep sleep, etc).

What did all this do for me? Simple. I went from a low self-esteem wimp to a self confident person that isn't jealous, needy or think about my wife much (emphasis on much). I still have a ways to go, but it is getting better every day. Most importantly, I have found an inner peace, even with my seperation, that I never thought I would find and had been looking for for quite a while.

Don't forget to read Love Busters and the other books so you don't make the same mistakes again. I am chaulking this up to a growing experience and hopefully a reconciliation. But if it doesn't happen, I know that I will be OK.

Mark

Why don't you ask your first husband how he dealt with your cheating on him? You know, his pain, his anguish, his sorrow?

My current H did not cheat on me! You are so bitter towards me because of how I ended my first marriage. You are nothing but a hater.

Hopeful,

I'm not sure how a lot of the stuff here on the board works, but seems like I read that you can put a blocker for the hateful one so you don't have to get any of their posts.

I agree - sounds like a hater to me too. I've read it in several of their posts.

If you find out about the block thing, let me know. I wouldn't mind keeping a few negatives off the threads I read either.

Hopeful4change

I am dealing with the same issue's myself right now and I feel your pain and wonder the samething. I am separated now from my W for 10 weeks now and my mind wonders 24/7 is this what we want as of 15yrs together and 8 of which we were married. I still love her but Unsure of whether or not WE will ever be whole again or if I want too. I was and still am on a emotion rollercoaster inside towards my feelings and still searching my heart on what I want the rest of my life. I have just been taking it one day at a time and working on myself because that's what I have control of. Everyone deals with thing's in heir own way and time is a delicate thing on which healing occurs. Just woork on yourself and thing's will get better and better. Keep up your faith and keep a open mind and talk to people that will listen and understand what you are feeling. Take care

h4c, iam is trying to get you to look at yourself closer. We cannot change anyone but ourselves. So if you are losing a marriage, your first step should be to ask yourself, honestly, what part you played in it. It doesn't even matter what part your husband played, because you are not him. Nothing you decide about him makes any difference in your life. Only what you decide about yourself.

iam is pointing out that you made a decision earlier in your life that your happiness was more important than the happiness of someone you supposedly loved. Obviously not, or you wouldn't have cheated on him - that's not love, that's entitlement.

That said, how has that entitlement continued throughout this marriage? Entitlement is a character trait; you don't just turn it on and off. It is part of who you are. Until you can come to the point that you accept your faults as your own (not 'he made me do it'), and unabashedly admit them to the world, you will never grow. You will never heal. You will never find peace. Because you will go through the rest of your life in self-imposed pain.

I'm reading a book that ears_open kept asking me to read. It's called Healing the Shame That Binds You. It is phenomenal, and I highly recommend it. It will tell you that all your actions, all your beliefs, all your consequences, will be a result of your own sense of shame. It says that there is healthy shame - that which tells you you're about to do something wrong, so that you stop before you do it - and toxic shame - what you feel after you do something wrong, and how forever forward, you are now a person guided by that toxic shame. Kind of like having dirty little secrets.

The only way to find peace and be free of pain is to examine yourself, find your toxic shame and its source, and own up to it and deal with it. Think of the show My Name Is Earl.

Think about it.

GameOver--I wish you strength. I am taking my like one day at a time. I am starting to heal. I know my D is going to happen and i've made peace with not having him in my life. It's the family thing that has me torn in knots. I know I am a good person and will come out of this a better person. I am not searching for love or acceptance and that helps me to know that i'm going through all of this for the right reasons. I want my children to know that I don't need anyone to complete me and that independence and strength should always be thier #1 priorty.
I live my days for my children and rebuilding who I am. I work 2 jobs and have enrolled in college. Finding out who I am and what i'm made of is scary and wonderful all at the same time!
Healing.

Catperson -- iam doesn't have to be so harsh. I should not feel judged by him. I am working on myself and I do own my part in the failure of my marriage. I am not without fault. I have always known that how our relationship started would always be in the back of our minds. What always killed me was how he judged me for it when he did the same thing. I trusted that regardless of how it all began I loved him with my whole heart and gave him my everything.
I am working on me and making the changes in me that I need to make for me and my kids. That's all I can do and control.

I too am looking at a separation. I think it could very well end in divorce, though I guess I'm just not ready to throw in that towel yet. My therapist thinks that (in addition to my own issues--and I *do* have control over those), that my husband's issues will most likely not go away so I should probably think long and hard about what kind of future I want. Every time I think about trying to put my marriage back together I have to be honest and tell you, I get a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach because I know that I will again be walking on eggshells around him, always thinking I'm a failure for not measuring up to his expectations (which are a moving target) and dealing with the real fact that he has not stepped up to the plate to split the responsibilities of child rearing, bread-winning and yes,emotional support with me in any kind of fair and rational way. I know that in any relationship, there are often times when one person leans more on the other, but if it never goes the other way....

Expectations that are a moving target are one of the first signs of an abusive or manipulative person. Walking on eggshells is the first one. If you reach goal A, he changes it to goal B so you can't let your guard down, so you have never lived up to his expectations. That way, he gets to control the relationship.

I dated a guy in high school 3 years older. After 2 years of dating him, he told me that I wasn't mature enough, and that he was going to give me 6 months to grow up, or he'd have to find someone better. I begged him not to dump me. Didn't dump him until he wrecked my car on the bridge to Galveston island with the 'other girl' in the car with him, both drunk. That's what it took me to wise up.

Manipulation is manipulation. Would you manipulate him?

Every time I try to figure out what I want to say to him I get anxious all over again. Talking is tough. He'll tell me he doesn't want to talk because I twist his words around and throw them back in his face (I don't think I do this--at least not on a regular basis and never intentionally--he accuses me of this when I reference something he said in an earlier discussion). I've tried using email but he tells me he hates email and won't "talk" to me via email and would request that I quit sending "those" kinds of emails to him.

I have the exact same husband. What you are describing are abusive, controlling habits. I'm not saying your H is abusive, but that he has abusive tendencies. That means that, to get what he wants, he is willing to crush the other person, even if he supposedly loves that person. Actually, especially that person, because he's afraid the rest of the world will find out he's junk, so he is always on his best behavior for everyone else. Please do some reading. The best book I know on abuse is Why Doees He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It's amazing. You really need to read it.

That's another of the symptoms of an abusive personality - therapists will tell you not to expect them to change; they have no desire to change themselves, so they will laugh (or yell) off any attempt you make to facilitate it.

Here's another symptom of abuse:
The victims always get a queasy stomach when they consider telling the spouse how they are feeling because they have been programmed to expect to be belittled, yelled at, ignored, or hurt when they do. Why do something when you know you'll get bad consequences, right?

Because you have to! The only way you will ever get a decent marriage with him is by creating safe boundaries for your peace of mind - and enforcing them! We can show you how, if you're willing to listen. See if you can find youngandlearning's old thread from late last year; it's a great example of how wrapped up you get in not upsetting him.

Here's a test. The next time he makes a comment to you that puts you down - in ANY way - say "Ouch, that hurts my feelings" and walk away, into another room, without finishing the conversation. He will probably follow you, cos he wasn't done. When he does, calmly say "I need space from you right now because my feelings are hurt. Please leave me alone." If he won't leave the room, you leave. If he follows you, get the car keys and go away for 20 minutes.

Try that and tell us what happens.

The turn of this thread is ironic. I just got off the phone with my H and I am so torn up inside.


That right there was the downfall of my marriage. His contstant belittling of me conditioned me to stay way from any subject that could turn into this situation. I never grew a backbone. I let him beat me down. I always justified staying and continuing to deal with it by saying that when it was good it was awesome, but when it was bad, it was REALLY bad. For years the good always outweighed the bad. I never could let my defenses down and work on healing that part of our relationship. I failed my marriage by letting him control me. If I had stood up for myself we may or may not have ended up here, I'll never know.

All I have now is the truth. I know I made mistakes, but I didn't give up like he did. He told me tonight as I pointed out how hateful and non-supportive he had become that I was right, he did do that. Really helps now huh? But he blames me for him being that way. And I blame him for me being unable to talk to him. Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

I know I don't want someone that thinks of me the way he does. I don't deserve someone that treats me that way. But.....I loved him so much and this is tearing me up. Why can't I let go of it. I know what he thinks of me. I don't want what he has become back. I want the man I fell in love with back and I can't seem to let that go.

I am dealing with the day to day just fine. It's when I let my mind go back that the pain takes over my soul.

Why do I still want him to love me if I know all this?

Oh my...you gotta love the karma bus!!!!!!!!

Why? Because the whole time, he has withheld his love to get you to comply. If you don't comply, you don't get his 'love;' if you do whatever he wants, he gives you 'love.' Therefore, he conditioned you to CRAVE his 'love.'

But it was never real love. I believe it's in that book I recommended, that they say that abusers feel an intense emotion toward their victim, because they make that person a part of themselves. A possession. Something they control. But they feel so passionately about keeping that person, possession, object of control, that they assume that feeling is love. It is not. It is strong emotion. But love would never allow you to hurt the other person.

What you had was a mirage.

Very true words. Thank you.

**edit**

What she had was an affairage.

True, but that doesn't change what her H is.