the husband has been having "escorts" visit OUR HOME when I have been out of town?

Our home is wired with camera's and I looked back at footage and found the visit. I also checked some phone numbers he had called just prior to the time of the visit. I googled the phone numbers and they linked to craig's list of escorts, or sexy little vixen - as she called herself. I call her a prostitute and my husband the john.

This is still unacceptable behavior but it is not an affair with OW. How does this fit in to the MB format?

For some back round: we are second marriage for both - married for 15 years. He did this same behavior with the first wife. I was told all the reasons, of course all was blamed on her. I have been blamed for everything that has gone wrong in our marriage. He is usually the victim in any conflict that arises be it with me or friends or other issues where a problem arises.

It is not a romantic affair but it is still adultery. Have you confronted him about it?

It's still infidelity and the fact that it's happened with W#1 he obviously likes the lifestyle. You married him knowing this?

I have not confronted him yet. I want to have a plan in place. I am not sure if the MB format works with this type of issue.

When he told me of this behavior years ago with the ex wife his justification was that it is not an affair, just a business transaction. And promised he would never do this again.

And you were married at the time he told you?

raven, yes i married him knowing this. he was very remorseful and he felt he needed to tell me all the worst of what he was early on our relationship. he acted as though he was deeply troubled by needing to do this but had all the excuses of the bad marriage.

he was extremely remorseful about it. it was a topic of discussion back then but was part of the past and we moved on, i thought.

and yes i feel like a fool now! but truly, this is not something i expected at all.

I don't think I can offer you much helpful advice. You walked into this with your eyes open...he blamed his exW and then acts as if it's okay because it was a business transaction and no popped up in your head?

Obviously he's not GENUINELY remorseful. I wouldn't be willing to live with a man that turns to prostitutes...just the health risk alone is not worth it for me. Perhaps there are others who can give you some better advice.

Good Luck.

I would get STD testing right now and make an appointment with Steve Harley. For me, having wh*res in my home would be a deal breaker because it is so unbelievably cruel and disrespectful. That is not something I could or would recover. I would be changing the locks and filing a restraining order.

And if you've got cameras in the home, how stupid is he, anyway? Or how stupid does he think YOU are? Either way, I think your best planning should be towards a successful (to you) exit.

tl

I would say yes, MB does work with this. It IS infedility not business. He promised to never do it again and broke that promise. He took a vow to forsake all others but you and broke that vow. This obviously bothers you or you would not have come here. If it were me, I would show him the video (keeping a copy in a safe place like your attorney's office). After watching it, I would pull out Divorce papers stating reason as adultery. If he does not beg, plead, and show true remorse, follow thru. If he does, then do what your brain (and a little of your heart) tells you.

I'm in a similar situation. My husband was haveing women over for casual sex while I was at work. I found a couple of on line profiles at married but dating web sites etc. He also gave me 2 std's in 6 months and a couple of infections that weren't necessarily std's but of very questionable origin. The way I handled it was to try to talk about it, of course, it was all my fault and the neighbors are crazy and the std's are my problem. It escalated to the point where I got an order of protection and he is not allowed anywhere near me, the house or my son (previous marriage) and I've filed for a divorce. There are some things that I just don't think can be fixed. I wish you the very best of luck, you've come to the right place, there are some great folks here.

I am not sure why this is an issue for you. You obviously were unconcerned about marrying a man of so little character that he would use paid hookers for sex. I know you say you feel like a fool...but why??? He obviously has no class and you knew this going in.

I would suggest a call to a lawyer for a quick divorce and then speaking to a therapist to see why you were willing to marry such a low life.

thank you all for your thoughts. i have not been sure if the issues we have can be addressed with MB. my husband has a lot of medical problems - depression, chronic pain, anxiety, can not manage stress so it has been very challenging over these past years. he takes many RX medications and narcotics daily and will use his illness as an excuse.

he has issues with ed - and blames it on his medications so we have not had much sf of late. we both recently had blood work done as we were planning some in-vitro stuff.

i am not sure how he forgot about the camera at the front door and driveway. i am just happy i looked at back footage. i know i will be the one who will be blamed. been there, done that already with much less important issues.

now, is this something i would want to go public with and tell family and friends as is done with an EA.

again, thank you for your thoughts. at the moment my thinking is not the clearest so all of your opinions are very appreciated. i have been a lurker for some time and know you guys are amazing. thank you..

***edit***

medc, i felt he had a lot of character over the years. he was very remorseful then, or so i thought. i bought who he was as did everyone who has met him over the years.
we both let go of the past and moved on.

he has always been extremely conservative. at the time of his divorce he was wanting to make sure his ex was taken care of both mentally and financially. at the time of his divorce his adult kids were actually happy the parents were finally splitting up because they both were so unhappy. he was extremely successful and in his career was somewhat high profile in his field. he was extremely respected by his peers. he is currently on disability due to his health issues which he relates back to the high stress nature of his work.

so yes, i am surprised to find that he is repeating this behavior. he sure did not need to. i do not see this other side of him. i mean, it is there, i have seen the evidence, and was in the past. it is just not the "him" i thought i knew.

i feel he confessed to his sin, was remorseful and very sorry. i absolved him of that sin as i felt it belonged to that relationship. i just did not see this coming. sorry.

You do realize there is no excuse, don't you? When rain is pouring in a hole in the ceiling, do you care about how the hole got there or do you care about fixing the hole? What matters is that you protect yourself regardless of his excuses.

And I know why your H is depressed. Because he is being BAD. He violates his conscience every time he engages in this filth. He has to take narcotics to shut up his screaming conscience and pretend like he is not a monster.

So be assured that is no "EXCUSE," it is a RESULT of being bad. He is not doing this because he is depressed, he is depressed because he is doing this.


{{{{{{{shudder}}}}}}}}} He is not having sex with you because he is getting it elsewhere. And likely it is kinky sex so he is not interested in pedestrian sex with you and can't get it up anymore.

If I were you, I would get out of this mess and thank the good Lord you did not get pregnant from this sick man.

MRS_N,

Have the same issue with a brother in-law of mine who I know is spending his wifes money on Wh***s, but he has the "sense" to go to bawdy houses. From what I understand their "services" are quite expensive. My sister in-law works for a living while he is doing this btw. I think of it every time I see them.

You might be able to track down the number of times etc by following the money. When I mention that to my sister in-law my brother in-law squirms.

NJ

yes melody, i agree that there is no excuse for the choices he made. i am not looking to find an excuse for him - he would find a way to turn this around and blame me as has been done in the past anyway.

your diagnosis regarding the chronic depression is most likely right on. we have visited umpteen doctors and therapists seeking the answer to his depression and anxiety. of course, since the current entire picture was never revealed it is not surprising an answer as never found.

after posting earlier today and being asked about why i married him in the first place i remembered that we sought pre marital counseling to ensure that we were both making a sound choice and were in a healthy state of mind.

i do plan on getting out. i will see an attorney next week. and yes i too am glad there are no offspring to make this more messier than i suspect it will become. he can become extremely angry if things do not go his way or he is not in control.

ss, i read your thread. i am sorry that you have been through such a nightmare. i wish you well as you work to heal your broken heart. take care...

If he has problems with ED, how do he and sexy little vixen spend their time? Maybe he just has ED with you.

Is there any addiction that he DOESN'T have? (I don't think you mentioned "gambling" which is why I asked)

But if you knew he was like this when you married him and you still married him, have you thought about just living with it? How have you changed that what used to be okay suddenly isn't okay?

And FWIW if I were in your position, I'd be gone faster than roadkill tacos at a Texas roadhouse.