This question keeps resounding in my head every time I come to this site. It appears a WW (and probably a WH) gets to cake eat. Enjoy the "New" romanticizing husband and the forbidden OM\OW lover.

While I know that Plan A is made to make the BS look more inviting, why give them this opportunity to cake eat.

I see that as a means to making the BS a doormat of sorts. Then doing this for 3-6 months while the BS is constantly getting hurt because the WS keeps going back for more and more.

I bring up BH because men are all about ego. We protect our ego and we nurture our ego. Plan A appears to say put your ego aside and let your WW enjoy the "New" you...while she is still enjoying the OM. To men that appears to be a slap in the face. Not many women will put up with a cheating husband for long. They file for divorce a whole lot quicker than men.

For me personally, I am not knocking plan A, it has it's benefits. But I would not do it. If I have been a good husband, and even though I had faults (9 times out of 10 the woman has faults too) if she decided to have an affair..I would be gone. I WOULD say him or me and she has all of 2 minutes to answer and I'm gone..for good.

I did not plan A. If WH had carried on with OW after I knew of his A, we'd be divorced. I didn't know of MB until 3+ months post D-day. My Plan A = Plan AssKicking.

I'm the BW in Plan A. In fact, my FWH is also Plan A-ing me. I feel like a total doormat, but I am doing it to help with R. A few weeks ago, we went to our MC session and the MC advised us to act in a way, that we would like to be treated. This behavior is similar to Plan A.

For the past 3 weeks, we have really enjoyed each other. However, I feel like I am suppressing my feelings. At our next MC meeting, which was last night, I couldn't help it but blow up and tell both of them, that I am still royally pissed off and feel like a doormat.

Last night, I went to bed very late and didn't want to sleep in the same bed as my H (but I eventually did). I needed time to cool off and the cooling off period didn't end til the next afternoon. I had time to think about all of this by myself and ponder what I want for our future. Do I want our marriage to work out or not?

I realize that I have to do my part in helping this R along, even though I don't like the fact that I have to feel like a wimp. It really sucks.

Oh...I forgot to add, his recent EA ended 2 weeks before I found out. So, we're Plan A'ing each other, even though the A is already over.

First of all, Plan A is supposed to be about meeting whatever ENs you can, avoiding LBs, AND letting the WS face the full consequences of the A. I read a lot of threads here where they fail on that last point - they're afraid to expose or fail to set boundaries or whatever. That's where you see the doormats.

Now my brief Plan A sucked big time (couldn't avoid AOs to save my life) but the way I believe it's supposed to work is you do whatever you can without getting upset/angry/crying etc, but you also set boundaries (no calling OP from home, no bringing OP around, no conducting the A in my presence etc.). You also expose, which brings out the mightiest wrath the WS has to offer - to which you respond calmly and stay cool about. Then as all around the WS people begin to scorn them and perhaps even their life begins to fall apart (at work for example), you are still the pillar of a good spouse, ready willing and able to provide a stable, loving home regardless of what happend. And the WS makes the choice. If it is to return to the M, Plan A continues along to help the WS through withdrawal. If not, Plan B is implemented to protect the BS and whatever remaining love they have for the WS.

I see many on this board staying in Plan A too long or worse, conducting only the "carrot" part of Plan A. By staying too long and literally permitting overt cake-eating, they are basically telling the WS that it's ok with you if they cheat. When these BS's finally go to Plan B, the WS just gets angry with them for taking away their cake to which they feel entitled, rather than being startled into a reality that has a clear line between their cheating actions and the consequences.

I think people "over-do' Plan A. By that I mean, it doesn't meaning "fawning and hovering". It means "meeting the EAs the WS will let you meet" and "don't LB".

Simple enough. That doesn't mean constantly hugging a withdrawn spouse for whom affection isn't a top need -- that is annoying behavior and an LB.

I did Plan A with my FWW. My dday was 1 day after the PA began. At first, I ranted and raved, demanded she end it, which only drove her closed to OM. I discovered this sight about a month after dday, and implemented Plan A. Yea, it was very hard. Yea, I felt humiliated. Yea, I had to repress alot of anger, resentment and hurt, which still gets triggered periodically.

But it worked. WW finally ended the A for good in July, when the infatuation apparently subsided and she came out of the fog. She has maintained NC, said she has no feelings anymore for OM, and can't stoop repeating how sorry she was for what she did, and can't repeat enough how much she appreciates me hanging in there during the worse. She bends over backwards to meet my emotional needs. She's come to recognize her flaws that led to the A. Overall, our marriage now is in the best shape in decades.

At first, I felt her cake-eating was a blow to my ego. But then, I figured why should it be? What she did was a reflection on her, not on me. I had nothing to be ashamed of, other than what I had contributed to the distance that had grown between us before the A. I had the choice of leaving her, or forgiving her and trying to rebuild. I decided to give Plan A 6 months, like Dr. Harley recommends. If it didn't work by then, I'd leave. I'd only lose 6 months, in return for the chance of salvaging a 23-year marriage and the love of my life. She ended the A and stuck with NC 5 months after the PA started, almost 4 months after starting Plan A; just in the nick of time. While it has been hard, I think the pain of recovery would not be as bad as that of divorce. I'm glad I stuck it out.

But to each his own. Every man has to decide what he can live with.

Good post.

I do see alot of Plan A abusers on this board. It holds attraction for conflict avoiders who are scared to take any action. However, Plan A was never intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders. Sadly, some use it for that very reason.

To my amazement, fear of women seems to prevalent here. I always heard it was the opposite. And I don't think these men are beaten by their wives but they are very controlled and fearful of her anger. That has always surprised me.

That is an excellent post, Galoot! And that is exactly how Plan A is intended to be used. Of course, with female betrayed spouses, Dr Harley only recommends 3-4 weeks.

this describes my situation pretty well.

I spoke with Steve Harley yesterday and he recommended that I continue Plan A. The part I have trouble with is trying to meet ENs and not LB while at the same time setting boundaries. Whenever I try to set the boundaries, I end up committing LBs. It is very frustrating.

I agree tabby. And then there is the fear to implement Plan B so nothing ever improves and the BS stays miserable.

There are two facets of Plan A - the stick and the carrot. Plan Aers become a doormat when they refuse to use the stick.

I agree with Mel - never realized how many men are afraid of their wives when the opposite should be true if the wife had the affair.

Could someone please elaborate on the stick part of Plan, that is what I have trouble with. And from what it sounds like, I am not alone here.

It would be nice to hear some real life examples from some people who have implemented a successful plan A and how they went about using the "stick" without LBing.

Plan A can work. Plan "be nice at all costs and avoid making her angry" seldom does. Plan A is NOT "Plan Wait-and-see," or "Plan avoid-any-kind-of-conflict."

We talk a lot around here of the carrot and stick parts of Plan A. The carrot is supposed to be meeting the WW's ENs as much as she allows and identifying Love Busters and eliminating them so that any good that comes from meeting ENs is not wasted.

The stick part is attacking the affair itself in as many ways as can be imagined. You can make plans that require the WW to be present. You can do all you can to monopolize her time so that the AP gets none of it. You can shut down joint savings, checking and credit card accounts so the affair has no money to fuel it. You can state clearly that you are unwilling to share her with OM without resorting to treats of any kind.

One thing that many overlook is simply keeping the WW off balance. Plan a business trip that will keep you gone on all week and through the weekend so the kids have to be cared for. Then come home early on Thursday night or Friday morning and ask her where she wants to go for dinner. Call an hour before the kids need to be picked up and say that you have to work late. Take an afternoon off, visit her at work and ask her in a public way to join you for lunch.

Want to really throw a monkey wrench into her planned night with OM on Friday night? Invite her parents to come visit the grandkids for the weekend and call her to tell her that the two of you are expected at the airport at 5:30 to pick them up.

And the hardest for so many is exposure. Most fear making her mad. Some fear what friends will think of them if it becomes known that they married a sl^t. Exposure brings the dirty little secret into the daylight and causes it to defend itself against those who think it is wrong. Exposure takes the fantasy world of “nothing but love” and injects the real world into it. Exposure lets others know what is going on so that you can’t be made out to be the bad guy an at the same time can become a source of support to keep you going when you are nearing the end of your energy and focus.

None of this will make her happy. It will all make her mad as hell. It will be interfering with the affair without having to make threats.

The point of Plan A is to show what marriage can and should look like, not to coddle a WW acting like a SL^T intent on destroying it.

The mistake too many make is thinking that Plan A is about avoiding conflict. Conflict is good, if it can be resolved. Avoiding it never helps. Conflict gives you a chance to show what you really are made of and show her what will be gone if she doesn't give up OM.


Plan A isn't inaction but a plan of action.

Is part of Plan A telling her to end the affair? Yep.

Is it telling her to end it or move out the night she is confronted and demanding instant decision from her?

Only if you are willing to let her walk away forever, which is what more will do than not.

Since most women are involved in a romantic affair or an exit affair before an affair of opportunity and raw lust, giving her the option of ending it or go now will usually result in her being gone before sunup.

And if the conversation turns to shouting and threats, it might just land you in jail with a RO against you to keep you away from her for 3 to 6 months during which time she is certain to turn to OM for comfort. Do NOT think this cannot happen. A huge number of women involved in an affair call the cops and have their husband arrested for abuse. And if they arrest you, the burden of proof isn’t on her any more. It will take you at least 6 months to get into court to try to prove anything.

Does Plan A make a BH look like a wimp?

It's a lot harder to do than kicking her butt to the curb...

It's a decision to fight the affair instead of her.

JMO

Mark

OK you guys have cleared this up for me.

It is amazing how many men are afraid of their wives like Melody said. I read here constantly how men are Plan A'ing and the wife is still in the throes of her affair.
That is why I said I would not do it. There is no way she would keep seeing the OM. The first time ,if I did plan A her, she got back in contact with the OM, it's skip Plan B and plan D and straight to Plan FU.

Looking at what others have posted I can see how it can work if implemented correctly.
I find myself with my blood boiling every time I read how some of these men's WW's are running them over like Mack Trucks while they stand in the middle of the road and let them.

My wife has tried to "bully" me in the past. I simply told her

If you want to stand in the place of a man, be prepared to be treated like one.
Haven't had that problem since.
I love and adore my wife, I bring her flowers for no reason except I love her. I tell her I love her almost every day and we've been married 22 years. But if she cheated I won't be a doormat, and I don't expect her to be one if I cheated.

Mark,

great post, exactly what i was looking for.

Are you a BH? Did you do plan A?


Thanks,
TC

I agree. I think Plan A makes sense for guys b/c women seem to have generally checked out of the M before A (ENs not being met) where men may just be getting some on the side (ENs being met and in it for the SF). Therefore, it would seem that a guy proving to the girl he can meet her ENs could win her back. I don't think Plan A makes anyone look like a wimp, but shows tremendous resolve and strength. Some people can do it (fewer can do it properly), and some cannot (more ultimatum). However, those in Plan A not doing it properly are the ones who are doormats.

I've never had to do Plan A, as it turned out my wife was only skating the edges of an EA and not actually having one, but I have to toss in my two cents here.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for any man who can do a proper Plan A. To do it right requires courage, integrity and a mastery of self. It requires the BH to control his emotions.

Kicking her to the curb is nothing to be proud of. All the BH has to do is give in to those instincts and emotions. The BH allows himself to be controlled by his emotions, controlled by rage.

Being a doormat is going to the opposite extreme. Being a doormat means the BH is controlled by fear.

But executing a proper Plan A, as described by Mark, requires herculean self-control. It requires immense courage - courage to face her wrath when you expose, courage to face your friends and family when word gets out, courage to take a risk to save the marriage. It requires the integrity to realize that despite everything, you love her and are willing to try to save your marriage.

And it requires the BH to show mercy toward his WW. To extend his hand toward someone who doesn't deserve it one bit, in order to show her the way home and help her salvage her own integrity, ethics and self-worth.

Anyone who can handle all that is a real man in my book.

WOW. That is a very good point of view Mark

Shaken

Recently on another thread a bunch of posters were of the opinion that a BH must give an ultimatum. The OM or me. My response to their position:

"For All The Real Men:
For those of you claiming to be the real men here, listen up!
If a WW bangs the OM any number of times before D day, say x times. Because you gave an ultimatum on D day that the WW must give up the OM right now and then.
My question is how is a real man a "real man"?
Is it because he can keep a WW that banged the OM only x times, but can not keep a WW that banged the OM x + 1 times?
Is banging the OM 1 time ok, but 2 times not ok?
Or is ten times ok but not twelve?
How about is it 21 times ok, because you were a real man and put your foot down and stopped it before WW did the OM twenty five times?
If a real man can not handle one time, or one more time, why are they keeping their WW's?
Shouldn't these real men be lawyer up and be in divorce court? "

If the "real men" position is that if the WW does the OM one more time then there through with the WW. It's divorce time.

Why is it acceptable to the "real men" that their WW slept with the OM at all any number of times?

They will recover their marriage if their WW slept with the OM twenty nine times but not thirty. Arbitrary cut off points do not make sense.

If a BH wants to recover his marriage, he should be willing to try everything. Everything does not mean be a door mat, stay home to watch the kids while WW goes out on dates with her OM, providing financial support so the WW can continue her affair, clingy, beg, smother.

And, what about when the BH is told here to not let on while he gathers evidence?
While this is going on, if the WW does the OM a few more times, does this mean he has to be a "real man" and dump his WW?

If a BH can't accept ten times, he shouldn't be able to accept nine times, or even one time.